A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, here's the story. I have been dating this guy for a year and 3 months now. He my 3rd serious relationship and the first guy I am seeing exclusively since me and my ex broke up 3 years ago. For a time period of a couple years I was single. I liked a lot of guys, but only saw 2 guys out of the duration of my single life, that only lasted for a couple weeks if that. I had a lot of crushes, including being in love with my best guy friend at the time. For the guys I liked, they either showed interest in me but didn't do anything, or had girlfriends but liked me, or lead me on, then claiming that they didn't like me. A couple months before I met my current bf I dated this guy who I thought was perfect for me. I didn't love him, but we had a lot of similar interests and our thought process was the same and I thought it could develop into something more. We were going to have a first date at the end of the week, but during the week we already acted like a couple. Holding hands, kissing, spending time alone in his dorm. But we had a wonderful first date then the next day he ended it because he was afraid to fall in love with me then have to leave for the summer, since we lived in 2 different states. That ended so quickly before it even started I was so confused. Then 2 months later I met my current bf. And we just clicked. We talked that first day for 2 hours and for the next week and a half we just spent time talking and getting to know one another before anything. I was so excited because I would finally have a boyfriend and I felt this could turn into something really special, which was one of the things that attracted me to him. He has a pure and good heart and is the most caring and loving person I know. But lately I have been having doubts. I feel like there are times when I know he is the one for me, then that feeling goes away and is replaced by doubt. I ask questions like do I really love him? Is this real? Will I make the same mistakes like I did before? Will I regret not dating around? There are times when for a split second, I feel like I'm losing myself and becoming one with him and having deep meaningful love, then my mind starts whirling and I start doubting. I have a feeling that if I let myself go, this could be it for me. This could be my soulmate. I just don't know if I'm holding myself back or if I'm afraid. I want to let go, but I think I'm so afraid to, even though I have wanted to find love again more than anything. Please help!!Side note: I have been in love 3 times in my life. My first serious relationship was when i was in high school and we dated for 3 years(I was with 1 guy for the duration of my highschool career, since freshman year). then after I broke it off, I got into a relationship with my current ex for 1 year. And during all this, I started developing feelings for my best friend(we never dated). I have broke it off with both exs, but all three of these men at one point I thought was my soulmate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel like I am so scared of getting close, but I have no idea why. I want to get close sooo bad. I have been waiting so long to be with someone who loved me for me, including my faults and now that I do, I am scared for reasons unknown to me. As much as I want it, I'm afraid of this being it for me. I have wanted someone to love and now that I have it, me being scared really confuses me because I thought I wanted this. And I do and I'm willing to make it work. I have been trying to do a lot of growing up, as is he, so we can make this relationship work. I don't know why I'm getting so worked up over it. It's not like I have never been in love before. Anyone have any ideas??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): I don't believe in a soul mate. There are many soul mates out there for all of us. If you are having doubts about the man you are with because you have also loved others, then stop driving yourself crazy.
Often relationships end due to bad timing, which is very common when you are young and not out on your own with a career, especially men will not marry until they feel they are settled in the financial area of their lives and feel they have dated enough to settle down with one woman for the rest of their lives.
Perhaps you are just having some cold feet. Love is not falling into a blissful state of oneness with another soul. There are "moments" of that intimacy, but it can not be a constant state of being or we would never get anything done. Think of intimacy in relationships as "Kodak moments" and be grateful when they appear, but do not expect them to make your love "real".
The truth is that true and lasting love is not about feelings, it is all about commitment. It is a conscious decision to BE a person worthy of love, to put your partner's needs above your own most of the time and to do the active work of loving. Love is a verb, not a noun.
The concept of having one true soul mate is an immature idea that one can be loved "perfectly" by another, and it just isn't so. It leads to holding yourself back from life and love waiting on something that is not attainable.
Love is as love does.
It sounds to me like you have a very special relationship, and instead of analyzing it to death, perhaps you can concentrate on being a person worthy of love and make a decision as to whether or not you want to do that for life with this person. If you are not ready or he is not ready, that does not mean that love did not exist between you, it is not going to be the long lasting true committed love of which I speak of.
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