A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am engaged to my guy for a year and a half now. In the beginning everything was great, I was completely ready to marry my guy. However, the past 6-8 months is making me re-think this whole marriage thing.We're hardly ever intimate, we hardly ever go out alone, he bemoans the fact that I'm around so he can't "watch sports in peace." He's always making comments about other girl's breasts and how attractive they are and making digs about some mundane mistake I've made. Overall, I get the feeling that he doesn't enjoy my company anymore. In fact, I feel like a piece of furniture. In the past, I have asked him point-blank if he thinks I'm attractive or if he enjoys my company. He says yes, but I'm having trouble believing him since his actions contradict what he says.You may think why I haven't talked to him more seriously about this. Last year, I was feeling really depressed and when I tried talking to him, he looked zoned out (he was watching football) so I got upset and started crying. He jumped up, stormed away; later I found out that he went to go see a movie. (I went to my mom's to talk/rant to her.)It really hurt me and I realized that there was no point in talking to him about anything that is bothering me. Since then, I've been trying to put on a happy face and not really talk to him about my problems. I feel... a little heartbroken, I guess. I'm trying to envision my future with him, maybe I'm being too negative, but it doesn't look good for my self-esteem. My question is when do you call it quits when it comes to a relationship? I think that relationships shouldn't break because of one hiccup, but to what extent? Should I try to work this out with him since I said that would marry him? Am I being too sensitive?Other tidbits: we've been together for three years, engaged for one; he is 18 years my senior; we have a trip to Cozumel, Mexico in November planned and paid for.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 October 2011):
 I auggest that you "listen" more to his actions than to his words.....
Good luck....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, they have helped me a lot.I was seriously thinking of waiting until after the trip to break up with him, mostly because the tickets are supposedly non refundable... but I don't know... Now that I've made peace with the thought of breaking up, the thought of going through another 6 weeks of feeling like crap doesn't sound appealing. Additionally, he had invited his daughter from a previous marriage without asking me to Cozumel, so I'm already a little disappointed. Not that I don't love his girl, I do, but I paid my own way so I kinda thought... I don't know... that I should get what I wanted/should not have to compromise? I called him out on it, and he apologized, so I can give him that. I'm very non confrontational, so yeah, talking to him scares me (which is just bad in any relationship, shy or not), so I'll try doing the letter, but I think I'm just so mentally out of this relationship that it won't do a lick of good.Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, mama soph  +, writes (6 October 2011):
No is the answer to your 1st question and yes is the answer to the 2nd! Only you will know when to call it quits with your relationship but talking with people out of the picture should help you make this decision. How can you be too sensitive about your own feelings and emotions, why should you put on a fake smile and pretend all is well when it obviously is not.As your partner he should know that your smile is hiding something otherwise he does not know you well. You say you already feel a little heartbroken and are worried for your self esteem, I am not surprised, and if this is how you feel now, imagine how crushed and depressed you will be ten years down the line when you have kept all your thoughts and feelings in. Your partner should be the very person you can talk to about any problems, worries or concerns, even if he is the topic of the talk. How else can you work anything out with him? I fear he has no concern for your feelings at all, why else would he make comments on other women? We all like to look at the opposite sex whether we are in a relationship or not but we don't have to make it public what it is we are thinking, these things we can keep to ourselves so as not to hurt the person we are with, but by saying aloud how attractive he finds others I feel is only to hurt you, does he really think you want to know? Actions speak louder than words, I could tell you I love you, that your beautiful, I have never seen or met you but thats how easy it is. To show it is very different, a hug, a kiss, a nice meal (in or out) or a movie, together, not on his own as an escape from your tears. I was with a man for 8 years who also had issues when it came to emotions, he was never there for me emotionally,if I cried all I got was "what you crying for?" it never once entered his head to just hold me and listen to my troubles. I realised this would never change when he lost his father and on the first year anniversary I offered my thoughts and feelings to him, only for him to say "its just another day". I knew then that he would never be there for me, as he never had before and that it was time to leave. It broke his heart and took a very long time for him to realise it was over but it was for the best, for us both. If you really feel this man is the one you wish to spend the rest of your life with then you need to talk with him, maybe you could first try by writing down how you feel in a letter to him, that way its not so easy for him to walk away or argue back, let him read it alone and then see if he wishes to discuss it, it will also be his chance to let you know of any upsets you may cause him, but I don't mean unable to watch sports in peace, how would he ever manage that if you were to start a family? I hope in some way I have helped, you need to think of you as a priority as he obviously doesn't at the moment and that will be his big loss if you decide to call it quits. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and hope you find happiness in whichever path you choose.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 He is at least 44 so I find it hard to believe he wouldn't find you attractive. I would say it's him not you, such as him having a medical problem that he can't talk about. He is at an age where he knows who's attractive who's not. I guess he wants to marry because he feels at peace that when he's older he won't be alone. Go do your trip in November, pay attention of how he treats you and expect little in regards to romance. Enjoy Mexico at your own pace. If you come back and don't want to pursue the relationship you don't owe him anything. He got a companion and his time there will be his, in his memory.
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