A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we spend as much time as possible together, we get along, have fun, cook together, chat and always kiss and cuddle, it's great.However, a few months ago I found him on various sexual websites, dating and blog based sites, involving some heavy flirting. Disgusted and sick to my stomach I confronted him. He couldn't explain why he did it, other than for a bit of attention, and anyway the outcome was that he has now deleted his profiles.Now, however, I came across a picture on the net of him with his arm around a girl posing for a picture. The picture was dated 2 months into us seeing each other. I know for a fact that at that point we made it pretty clear to each other that we were both serious about each other and we had been exclusive right from the start, we even had a chat about it within the first few weeks, and definitely before that picture was taken.In the picture they are not kissing or anything, just one of his arm around her shoulder, with her head on his shoulder/chest, smiling for the camera.Should I be worried? Or am I reading into it too much?When I came across his blogs, which go back a few years, one was when he was in another relationship and even then he was flirting online but his statuses never suggested he physically cheated, one if them even said he could never cheat even if he wanted to.I don't know if it boils down to him craving attention. He rings me all the time, which I don't mind, I actually think it's sweet, and always wants to see me, again I think that's nice too. He messages me lots too. I get the feeling his parents didnt bother with him too much as he was growing up, and he doesn't really take as much care of himself as he should, in my opinion. He works lots of hours, but is on low pay and has big bills to pay each month. He just gets on with it though, but does want to change his career and is working towards that.I do get worried when I think he's flirting with another woman, and he knows this, but I don't want to be a nag, so I don't feel I should bring up I saw this picture as I don't want him to feel I'm watching his every move, or he might get sick of it. Without seeing this picture, does it sound something for me to worry about? It was a night out in a bar, and there are a few other pics of him, with his friend and then another one of him on the dance floor in a crowd. So it's not like he was with this one girl all night.Should I let it go or bring it up, yet again??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): It's not just the picture. You have several red flags, including the sex/dating sites that all lead to only one conclusion: he's still messing around, he's not serious about you. A guy who loves you and is serious about you as in love, marriage, commitment is not going to do this stuff. He enjoys being with you. He likes the perks. He enjoys your company, for now. Just for now. I was in a relationship like yours and it drove me nuts. I thought we were serious. When you are boyfriend and girlfriend with someone I automatically assume we are committed and its serious. So I too was shocked and terribly confused when my "boyfriend" had a wandering eye and engaging in behavior that is for single men. It's heart wrenching. I didn't know there were "levels" to a relationship. A relationship is a relationship, right? You love that person and they love you and you are monogamous. If not, why do we have the label? To be a boyfriend carries certain responsibilities. Be faithful. Protect your girl. Be honest. Love her. Make her happy. Don't confuse her. So why was this guy calling himself my boyfriend if he couldn't act like one? Same with yours. It's the same story. I can tell you in all honesty: I DON'T KNOW. I'm not going to tell you you are an idiot for "putting up with this" because I don't think you are. I think you have nothing but to feel completely confused right now. There is nothing left to think in situations like these. But realistically, you should start preparing yourself for a future without him. Simply for the fact that you deserve better and he doesn't deserve you. You owe it to yourself to not allow this guy any more of your time. That way you can make room for a guy who is honest and deserves you. But no rush. This will all dawn on you when the time is right, as it did with me. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 December 2014):
 I have to agree with Ciar.
Making profiles online to get attention show his lack of respect for women as it is. THAT includes you.
I want to bet he doesn't put on his PROFILES that he is "just" looking for attention.
He is playing games with YOU and other women, THAT is not a keeper.
One thing is a little flirting here and there - THAT can be kind of harmless, but making profiles on sexual and dating sites? Nope.
YOU have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not. Personally, it would be for me. Because:
1. it show lack of respect for women (in general) and for his relationships.
2. a guy who makes profiles is STILL LOOKING for someone/something. Which means... he is stringing you along.
3. he ALREADY knew from PAST experience that it's NOT OK to make dating profiles to fish for attentions. He just put his ATTENTION WHORE need above the relationships.
4. It's kind of immature for a guy his age.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 December 2014):
 He couldn't cheat if he wanted to? He's BEEN cheating.
OP, he did it behind his previous girlfriend's back because he knew it was wrong. And even if, for some strange reason you could believe he didn't, don't you think he would have learned otherwise when she confronted him?
Now he's done it to you. Those accounts are as easy to create as they are to close. Either he really has closed them, but will create new ones when he thinks the coast is clear, or he's already created new ones and covered his tracks a little better.
He may not have become physical with any of these women, but he's making himself visible them. And by leading himself to temptation he's making it harder NOT to cheat.
Claiming he has not plans to become physical with them is just an admission that he's been stringing them along. Women aren't people to him. They're a means of escaping a mundane life in which he perceives he counts for very little. If that's what he thinks of those women, how can he think any better of you?
Never mind confronting him and nagging him. That's just a waste of time and it's pathetic. He can't be trusted. It's as simple as that and no amount of discussion or teary eyed apologies will change it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): Him being on sexual sites while in a relationship with you is a huge red flag. He deleted the ones you found, but who is to say he doesn't have others, or will do it in the future? A successful relationship is built on trust. If he is already breaking that trust so early in the relationship, how in the world is it supposed to grow and be successful in the future?
This is the kind of guy I would personally never date or hand around. It's like you always have to worry if they are thinking of doing something behind your back. Not someone I would trust. The photo you found may not be a huge deal otherwise, but given his history I'd be a little worried. I would talk to him about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): What more do you need to discover? This sounds sleazy and snaeaky. Can you accept this behaviour and can you really trust him?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (6 December 2014):
He couldn't cheat even if he wanted to?
What kind of garbage is that?
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