A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles, want your insights on something weird that seems to have repeated itself twice. Let me describe the two instances below:Instance 1- 10 years ago. I was an intern at a firm. It was a assignment with a 5-6 member team that included me and this older female team leader ( she was a couple of years older than me but yes older than all of us team members). There was another boy in the team who was my age (decent bloke). He was a nice friendly sort He didn't flirt but was friendly- helping me with doubts etc. The female team leader was a renowned bully in the firm. First few days the guy was friendly with me. This girl hated me already and also observed that me and the guy had friendly vibes at work. The female team lead started bullying me and after a while I began to see him taking the team lead side and bullying me. By the end of the assignment the bully had managed to pull a lot of people over to her side- I had just one loyal woman friend who supported me.Instance 2 - A few months ago. I was working as an middle management employee- As of now I am well educated and pretty knowledgeable. A senior married female co-worker (not my boss) is someone who mainly gets work done by people management alone (by creating rift between team, not deploying subordinates properly and taking credit for our work in front of the head of the enterprise- there is rumors that the CEO was coerced by an influential person to offer her the position of a head of department). Again enter another male employee, divorcee, senior to even her, your typical " alpha" male in terms of aggression and looks. I am in a committed relationship with another guy and again not interested in the local office attraction. Me and this male co-worker both are from the same city and have common cultural interests. Initially the guy tried to talk to me or gives me a smile or a nod from afar - this woman went out of her way to say something nasty and frosty. The other day at the washroom this lady told me out of the blue as to how much she loves playing matchmaker ( i don't encourage personal conversations with people I dont know - and found this to be a bit off). Sometime ago I observed this woman pick a piece of my output that was lying on the table, show it to the employee and loudly discuss how bad my output was with him. He nodded and made further criticisms. Both of them knew this was my piece of work and neither of them are my boss. Now discussing me and laughing snidely at some output/collateral lying on my desk seems to be a habit, especially when my boss isn't around. He no longer smiles or nods even if i casually acknowledge him. I am uncomfortable now and not sure as to how I am being perceived by either of them. These are two separate instances- yet I am concerned if I am emitting any unwanted signal that bullies seem to pick up. In both instances, I couldn't understand why these 2 women couldn't tolerate if a guy was even friendly with me. I also didn't understand why both the men's attitude changed from friendly to sneaky mean. I value platonic friendships with men and in both cases I found it a bit disconcerting that one day people were nice and the next day they cross over to the other side and started acting mean to me though I did literally nothing to provoke the men or the women in question. Am i reading something wrong here ? Am i attracting hostilities ? Is there a missing piece ? Or is this a very normal thing that I unncessarily introspecting ? aunts and uncles do share your insights.. would love some help ....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2020): Typo corrections:
"You are there to make money, you want to get paid...just be glad your higher bosses like your work well enough to keep you there!"
"You're allowing pettiness to throw you off-guard; and taking this foolishness all too seriously."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2020): Okay, now I am going to put on my executive regional-director's hat, and offer my professional observations of the matters regarding your co-workers. There is far too much chitter-chatter and high school inanity going-on here. You describe a lot of unprofessional-behavior among supervising-staff that is a bad-reflection on the institution you work for. The bad-ethics and profound unprofessionalism is an indication that upper-management is lousy at selecting those they choose to promote to supervising positions. It seems their prerequisite for promotion is pettiness, stupidity, and unprofessionalism. Does any work get done??? One would wonder how many really good professionals have fled this stifling and egregious environment? There is no apparent professional respect or proper decorum whatsoever!!! If that's the core value your company possesses, maybe you should seek another job with more focus on job-performance and the morale of their employees. Not just a hotbed for schoolgirl hostility and triviality!
You do not openly criticize or have a critical-discussion in-front of a fellow-colleague; with the intent to smear, affront, or intimidate. It creates a hostile work-environment; and I would fire such individuals in a bleeding heartbeat! If the work-environment is that negative, and your colleagues are that openly hostile...while being so vocally-disparaging; then you are justified to submit a complaint on the basis of personal-attacks, intimidation, and a hostile work-environment. However, I will caution you for many reasons; because I see more going-on here than what you're describing. You are just as guilty in this situation as the others, and I will explain why.
First-off, who cares whether anybody finds anybody attractive when you're on the clock and nothing matters but the bottom-line? People all have opinions, and they will say or openly express very unpleasant things about you. These people do not travel in your social-circle; and aren't considered among your closest of friends. Therefore, whatever they say should roll off your back. If they have no say or influence over your progress and promotion; their commentary is neither here nor there! If the work they've criticized has no flaws or errors, why would it even bother you? A clever comeback with a confident smirk would have shown you weren't the least bothered; and the implication of a big-fat "whatever" would have sucked all the air out of their little "mean-girl" collaboration. You had the chance, but you blew it! It's all water under the bridge now. Learn to think on your feet, and learn to throw a punch when you're up against the ropes. If you have to swim with sharks, you can't be a goldfish!
You worry about approval and what people think of you. Being recognized for your skills and qualifications is one thing; but needing validation from people unrelated to your work is another. You've exposed your weak-spots; and now they know exactly where to hit you. You also attribute everything to women jealous of guys being attracted to you. Maybe they just don't like you for you. They don't like your style, or what they think you stand for. Men being in the middle is incidental. If they can sway opinions so easily; maybe it's because the males involved are only pretending to choose a side just to remove themselves from being in the middle of catty/cringy female-nonsense. They don't want to be targeted, or next in-line for the ire of an obviously vocally toxic-person; who openly and boldly takes jabs at their colleagues in-front of witnesses. Males have a more difficult time dealing with female vs male issues at the work-place; because many men have violated ethics and policies regarding proper conduct and harassment in the workplace. More-so than their female-counterparts. If she doesn't like "you" in particular; then the obvious thing to do is to pretend to take her side, and she'll leave him alone. It's self-preservation, it has little or nothing to do with you. It's the easy and cowardly way out. You can't avoid cliques. Some people just have the knack to sway opinions and get people on their side. C'est la vie! Develop immunity, it's an infection that permeates our society! They are forced to deal with you on work-related matters, and anything personal is irrelevant. You are there to make money, you want to get paid...just be glad your higher bosses like your work well enough to keep your there!
Working with people means you are always exposed to our worst in human-nature. It means you learn to adapt to negative, as well as positive, situations. You must expect people to say and do bad things; then you're not so surprised when they do. You learn how to stand your ground and protect your rights; when things do get out-of-hand. You develop a "poker-face" to let people know they can't always get to you; and you learn how to absorb a punch as well as throw one. Choose your battles. The only time you need to fight is when your job is on the line, and when your rights have been violated! Otherwise, you're dealing with petty and stupid human-behavior; and part of being a good-leader is knowing how to deal with people. Knowing when to stand-up and when to humble yourself. Knowing how to duck and weave when the arrows are coming at you; and having the nerve to shoot a few arrows at the right targets. There are no missing pieces. You're allowing pettiness to throw you off-guard; and taking this foolishness all to seriously. You can't climb the ladder without resistance, interference, and obstruction by your opponents. They are your competition, sweetheart! People will not like you, it's a given. People may envy you. Not everyone wants to see you succeed. Hostility and meanness on the job is part of what comes with a job; and you won't find any job without it. Unless you work alone...and your clients are not human beings. Even animals and machines give you grief!!!
If there is behavior you find offensive, counterproductive, and a threat to the bottom-line; then you need to seek professional leadership-training in how to deal with difficult-people in a hostile work-environment. There are written publications, online-classes, and seminars everywhere. I've taken them. I've had to! I'm gay (not out at work, but they know); and biracial. I've been there, and done that! I had to rise above it, and I can show you the battle-scars. Let nobody decide your destiny, or control your progress, but you. Look to God for guidance, and to give you peace. He will also give you courage, if you ask for it. If you were taught or believe in faith and worship, use it! It's a good resource! Nobody knows mankind better!
If you run into petty people; let them be petty, and press forward like your professional-life depends on it! Everyone of them have been through what you've gone through. Now it's your turn to earn your mettle. Put on your armor, and deal with it, sister! It's a tough world out there! This is where you develop survival-skills.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2020): Get yourself a little spycam hidden in a clock or a psychedelic picture etc and try to record her poking around your desk and making unpleasant conversations about you to others.Once you have the evidence you will win your case.Also go to human resources or your boss and place a direct complaint of workplace bullying happening to you at your post.Be clear who is causing the problem and how.Don't blame yourself and assume you have a sign above your head saying :'ok to bully me!'You don't.It's just that some people are taught to be unassuming and tolerant.The problem with bullying is that it has the potential to screw up your life and make you very unhappy.So nip it in the bud with a confidential chat with H.R. Or higher management.And be clear that you will not tolerate it just to not 'rock the boat'!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2020): Hi
The only thing your missing is that there is a lot of snakes in this world and green-eyed monsters and boogie people who are out for themselves and there are some genuine people.
Just be you and take no guff from anyone, lose no sleep, or confidence, be bold be truthful and stay kind-hearted, laugh WITH the fools, earn your living and stay tuned into the real world.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 November 2020):
 Are you attracting bullies?
I don't think so. I think you just happen to have worked in the same company as a few. As SAD as it is, bullies get ahead in many cooperate companies because they can seem far more driven and hardworking. Why? Because they KNOW how to promote themselves to the "right" people.
What I would do is perhaps talk to YOUR boss. See what is up. Tell him you noticed this woman criticizing YOUR work loudly and you want to know if he has ANY issues. (you probably know already that he hasn't) but it will put HIM on notice as to her behavior.
As for why some people are mean, that is life. Sorry, there is no good reason, it just is a fact that some people are asshats. Some can't handle perceived "competition", some are weak minded and sheep who rather follow than lead.
I think the only "missing piece" here is that you CARE about people who aren't worthy of your time. If you know you do a good job, that you know your stuff, WHY care what some dumb chick in the office thinks? And if the guy is SO scared of her that he now has to avoid you, why care? He sounds like a weak minded pussy.
In short, grow a thicker skin when asshats are around.
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