A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 26 and my husband is 31 and we have four children aged 5 years and under. My husband is a very good provider and tells me he loves me all the time. He is considerate and does things like buying me my favorite ice-cream or chocolate for no reason and he can be good with our children and will change nappies etc. The only problem is his anger. He goes off about insignificant things all the time and calls me a b and a c alot when we argue. When I give my opinion he always tells me I better think about what I'm going to say or to watch what I'm saying. He used to throw things around or punch the wall when he was mad but he's started throwing things at me- he is usually so mad that he misses but I still get scared. The other day he flew into a rage because he bit his tongue- he was holding his dinner plate and jumped up suddenly. I flinched because I'm used to him throwing things at me now. He asked me why I flinched and said it looked like I was scared of him. I said it was because he always throws things at me when he's mad and he thought that my answer was funny and laughed at me. After a fight he always apologies to me but he is also quite angry and aggressive when he's drunk but he doesn't apologize for that cause he doesn't remember what he does. So he feels he hasn't done anything wrong and that I make him mad by not listening to him and he always says sorry so it's ok. I don't like being with someone who I dont feel comfortable to be able to be myself around and express my opinions but at the same time I don't think he is a bad as some men and maybe I could try to avoid arguing with him. I get over things quickly and then think maybe I'm crazy for thinking I should leave him. Am I being silly and expecting too much when he already is good in many other ways?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): You're very welcome. I'll tell you something else. Your husband is not a happy man and he is not in control of his own life. Instead of adapting to the world around him and putting in the effort to make positive changes he has chosen the lazy way. Trying to make his family adapt to him and his unreasonable demands.Your children have taken to mistreating you because they see you as someone who cannot or will not protect them. This means they must protect themselves and the only way they can do that is to ingratiate themselves with the person they're afraid of. They may also be angry with you for this and since they cannot articulate it, they act it out.Like any other predator, what your husband needs is privacy and a willing victim. You may not have liked the threats or the violence but by isolating yourself and concealing his crimes you became that willing victim. And what he is doing IS a crime. Assault and battery, assault with a weapon, threats, endangering the welfare of a minor, drunk and disorderly conduct and vandalism are all criminal actions whether they happen in your home or outside it. If Children's Aid knew what was happening your children could be placed in foster care.I want you to think about that for a moment before reading on.As anyone else here would tell you, you're best bet is to leave him. However I recognize that it sometimes takes time for women to build up the confidence to do that, especially is the violence is not severe enough to cause serious injury. You'll have to use your own judgment.In the meantime there are things you can do right now to ensure the safety of you and your children.1. Set up a support network. Tell your family and anyone close enough who can help you what's been going on. Arrange a safe call for whenever your husband enters one of his moods. You can use a code word or they can call you every 15 minutes or half hour (or whatever you think appropriate). If they don't speak to you each and every time, regardless of the reason, they are to assume you're in danger and call police at once. If your husband answers and tells them you're out or in the shower for example, they simply say 'Fine. The police are on their way.' and leave it at that. They are not to escalate the situation by arguing or trying to reason with him. 2. Stop covering up for him. Your husband obviously cares very much what others think of him. Use that to your advantage. Put your furniture back the way it was before his rampage. Make sure all dents and holes are clearly visible. How is he supposed to see the effects of what he's doing with you running around after him cleaning it up? If guests notice and ask about it be matter of fact and honest. Do not feel obligated to fill in that awkward silence. And do not be dramatic or they'll think you're just looking for attention. Next time he hurls his dinner plate across the room, leave it there for him to clean up (even if it takes days). Only remove what might be hazardous to you or your children (broken glass etc). 3. Keep evidence of abuse, threats and property damage in a safe place he can't access. Keep a detailed log of incidents as well anyone you speak to about it (police, crisis centres etc). Take photos of the damage if yu haven't already done so. You can password protect documents using Micrsoft Word then email them to yourself.4. Speak to a lawyer and find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are. Many offer a free half hour consultation. Make the most of it by having questions ready.5. AFTER you have done 1 and 3 tell your husband (do NOT tell him about 2 and 4). He bullies you because until now there have been no negative consequences for him. Time to burst his bubble. He already understands why you don't like being mistreated which is why he's doing it. He only needs to know that it will not be tolerated any longer.The reason he is nice to you, when he is, is not because he's sorry or because he loves you. It's because things are going his way. You know how quickly that can change. And he is trying to give you just enough hope to keep you from leaving him.Get over the guilt and when you do feel badly don't let him see it. You need him to see that you mean business and that he will pay dearly the next time he steps out of line. One last thing, the woman at the crisis centre told you his behaviour was common among abusers, not to minimize the severity of your sitation, but to assure you that you are not alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou also to the person who provided answer no.2- I definatley feel my concerns are much more validated now. After my husband has gotten mad at me and thrown things at me in front of the children I know instantly that what he's doing is wrong but then when things are good I doubt those feelings and feel bad about having felt them. I have also been hesitant about using the word abusive in my head as i know there are thousands of women in much worse situations than mine and dont want to look like i'm a whinger. My only fear about leaving my husband is that if this is how he treats me while he is in love with me that I worry about how he would treat me if I left him and he started to hate me and will always have to be in each others lives because of the children. I also don't really have anyone I can tell about what is going on as we live in a small town and I have very few friends. A couple of weeks ago I told the woman I considered my closest friend only that my husband yells and swears at me for no reason and talks to me like I'm less than a dog but because her husband is friends with my husband and we often spend time as couples together and my husband acts completely charming when other people are around I think she thought I was making it up and has distanced herself from me. I do feel talking about this to someone will help as writing the question even made me feel a bit better so I have today enquirer about getting some relationship counseling myself with the aim of eventually convincing my husband to come unless anyone who has been in a similar situation and has found this didn't work?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou very much for your answer- it has certainly helped me feel as though I'm not just being silly. My husband as been this angry since before our first child was born but I am a bit of a push- over and didn't complain about it. It's only now that I am seeing the effect it's having on my older 2 children- that are 4 and 5- who have started yelling at me and hitting me when they don't get their way, that I thought I should get some advice about what to do. I have always made excuses for him- covering up the windows, doors, furniture etc that he has smashed or broken by coming up with some kind of story to tell my family and friends about why they're broken because I am embarrassed to admit to anyone I actually know that I let him treat me the way he does. One night when he was drunk and I asked him to leave a party early because our daughter was sick he was so mad that I asked him to leave that he punched the windscreen in the car repeatedly while we were driving home so much that it shattered completely and then when we got home he was yelling at me while I changed our daughters nappy and then picked up her doll pram and threw it at me while she was on the floor right in front of me, which luckily missed hitting her but I was so shaken that once he was asleep I called a called a domestic violence number and the woman u spoke to said it was common for men to behave this way when they are drunk- so I felt as though I was over-reacting, but the advice you gave was much better, so thankyou again. I am going to attempt to call to him about his behavior when he's not drinking and try to not let him walk all over me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): No you are not being silly and wanting to be yourself and feel safe in your own home is not expecting too much. It's not a luxury. It's a need and a right.
I hate to use the word 'abusive' because it's bandied about so often but that's exactly what your husband's behaviour is. He doesn't have to hit you all the time or at all. He doesn't have to break bones or toss you down a flight of stairs. He just has to leave you feeling scared that it MIGHT happen. Mission accomplished.
Being a good provider, being good with his children and changing nappies does not make your husband a great man (I'll come back to this later). He doesn't get extra points for doing what the rest of us do and he certainly doesn't get a wider latitude to behave badly.
Far from expecting too much I think you are expecting too little. Your husband is not a considerate man nor a good provider. He isn't considerate of anyone else when he's calling you obscene names, throwing things at you or threatening you. He isn't considerate of his children who do see what's happening and are frightened by it. Providing for one's family includes creating a safe home for them to thrive in. Most men manage to pay the bills without getting drunk or terrorizing their families. I think your perspective of him would change if you were away from him.
Being bullied is not something you ought to 'get over quickly' (even if I believed that you do which I don't). It's something you address quickly. And decisively.
Get out of the marriage and get him out of the house. Tell family and close friends exactly what's been going on. Do not isolate yourself. Speak to a lawyer to find out exactly what your rights and responsbilities are.
If you choose not to leave, or don't think you're ready yet you can do this in the meantime: set up a safe call with family or friends. Whenever he enters one of those moods you call them up and have them call you back every 15 minutes or half hour (or whatever you think appropriate depending on how nervous you are). If they don't talk to you each and every time they call they are to assume you're in danger and call police. If for example he answers and says you're in the shower, their answer is simply 'Fine. The police are on their way.' They are not to engage him in conversation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): If he has gone from losing control of his temper and throwing things. To losing control and throwing things AT you...can you see where this is going?What he is doing is totally wrong and a terrible example for your children too! It doesnt matter how many nappies he changes or how much ice cream he brings you. When you are cringing at the dinner table because he has moved fast and you are conditioned to think you will have a missile thrown at you, then things are bad! He is a bully and you need to nip this behaviour in the bud before he actually hits you. He is already verbally abusive to you...not in front of the children, i hope! And he is now on the road to physical abuse. When he is sober and sensible, talk to him about his behaviour. Let him know you won't tolerate it anymore. And despite what he thinks it is not a joke! Tell him to seek help for his anger issues or you will leave him. Ban him from using abusive language toward you in front of your children, caution him if he throws anything else you will report him to the police.Let someone close know what is going on too, so they can keep a watchful eye on him. Sometimes bullies pull their socks up when they know others are aware of their behaviour. If you keep his mood swings a secret and 'protect' him it will only make him feel he is safe to continue bullying.If he values you at all, he will seek help for his issues before he does something you both regret. Don't let it go on anymore. You have a duty to your children to raise them in a safe, loving environment with or without him!
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