A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can someone please tell me if I am over reacting and making this about myself? My husband's adult children are always in hard times because they don't have jobs or quit their jobs and one of them just keeps having babies that she can't afford. We are usually in a good financial situation but because of circumstances out of our control we have to watch it. So times are a little stressful. My husbands texts me and says "my daughter needs financial assistance can we help her?" I responded with" I don't know? What were you thinking?" I get no response for a long time so I ask him what is going on? He comes back with a "I don't want to hear anything from you but a yes anything else is wasting my time and making me upset!" I asked him to call me in the future about these kinds of things because there was obviously some misunderstanding and I didn't understand why he was getting so upset? He then tells me to be understanding and not make this about me when I said I didn't deserve to be talked to like that. I know he is under a lot of stress but I don't think that is an excuse to be nasty. Am I making this about myself?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 Your husband has been honest (more or less) so perhaps you should be too.
The next time asks if you're in a position to help one of his kids again, simply say 'No.'
No anger, no questions, no huffing or sighing, no follow up. Just 'No.'
It appears you can't trust your husband to safeguard what you have worked hard for, so I suggest you protect your own money and anything else of any value to you. Have a separate account, if you don't already, something he doesn't know about and can't access, and maybe a safe deposit box.
I suspect even if you don't argue with it, he'll be sneaking money out to his kids anyway.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2016):
 If he only wants yes why even PRETEND to ask.
He is out of line.
I have my own money (an inheritance) but my husband is the more fiscally responsible party so when I ask him "HOW MUCH can I give my kids this year?" he has to give me an answer.
THEN we negotiate.
Your husband only asked as window dressing. YOUR response was EXCELLENT. Being financially responsible for yourself means you have to determine WHAT YOU CAN SPARE not just give because you want to.
Parents bailing adult children out constantly does them a disservice. My mother always bailed me out without telling my dad. OR she got him to do it. After she died I had to take my lumps as my dad ended up with a woman who demanded a lifestyle he could afford if he didn't give me large sums of money. So I GREW UP and GOT responsible. BLESS YOU DADDY.
Your husband is trying to make you feel bad and TRYING to make this about you when it's not.
He is wrong.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I don't see how you're making it about yourself at all. He asked you a sime question of "can we help?" And you replied with asking what was going on. I mean, what's the point of asking if you are only accepting one answer. He should have just texted you and told you what was going on and how much he planned to give her if that were the case.
No, I don't think you seem to be making this all about you. When it comes to these situations, you are correct - he should either call you or speak to you in person. And be willing to listen. Not just ask questions he doesn't want to hear the answer to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 August 2016):
 I think your husband is being a brat.
I would suggest that HE budget in "emergency funds" for HIS children out of HIS income AFTER the shared bills/budgeted fun etc. is set aside.
I get that IF you two didn't get together and married till AFTER his kids were grown and out of the house, they are "his" kids.
Is he secretly trying to make you say no? so YOU are the bad guy?
OR does he wants you to blindly say yes and enable his kids?
I'd sit him down and talk it over. And then suggest he BUDGET some of HIS income for this, if you don't feel it's something you want to support with money or feel you CAN support with money.
You two need to be on the same page, and NOT be broke because his kids aren't being responsible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): Why ask you if he doesn't want your honest answer? It's both of your money his kids are grown up, it's a decision you make together
My mum had a bad accident she had to quit her job she asked my uncle for help and he spoke to his wife first it's a no brainer!!!
I can understand he's stressed but that's not your fault maybe if his adult kids stopped asking for money when your on hard times he'd be less stressed
I'm 27 work full time don't get paid a lot but I wouldn't ask my parents for money i want to be independent and to be honest I feel embarrassed that I can't take care of myself
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 August 2016):
 Your husband is not treating you like an equal; he's treating you like a bank manager ("can we help her?"), then holding you hostage ("I don't want to hear anything from you but a yes....") - how dare he.It's very reasonable for you to want to know why and how much before agreeing and he shouldn't emotionally manipulate you like that. He's like my parents; they create more stress for themselves by picking up my 17 year old brother's slack around the house - your husband creates more by allowing his children to leech on your finances.That said, why do you call them "his children" and not "my stepchildren"? They aren't just his problem, as is clear with them getting access to your joint money. I couldn't be with a man who couldn't parent his adult children enough to say no. If he doesn't, they will never be financially independent.Your stepdaughter keeps having children she can't afford, but you can. If she really couldn't afford it (because you both stopped bailing her out), she wouldn't have more children, or children's services would no doubt get involved.Will you really stick around while he fails to give your adult stepchildren the tough love they desperately need?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 August 2016):
 No I think your husband owes you an apology here. He should not have spoke to you like that. It is half your money therefore you both need to sit down and talk about how much is needed and if you are both okay with giving his daughter money. My guess is that your husband is stressed and he also wants to help out his daughter, but sometimes children need a bit off tough love. I really don't think you are in the wrong here. If his daughter is struggling then maybe you could help buy purchasing food or clothing for her children. I think your husband is being a bit selfish here and you both need to talk about it. It is your money as well.
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