A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just want to know if what I am feeling is normal and justified or if I'm over-reacting.Here's the story. I have been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for 10 years and we are engaged but have never got married. We met at Uni and as far as I know have both been faithful despite a short break up for about a 6 month period. We haven't had a physical relationship for over 12 months now, not really cuddling at all and not kissing other than to say bye when we go to work etc and there is no sex, but that has been pretty sporadic throughout our time together. Recently she has started to complain about always thinking of others before herself and she’s going to be more selfish. She's 32 and works part time in retail with mostly male staff who are all in their early 20's. She's slim and attractive and looks younger than she is. Recently she decided to go to a big music festival without me. Because it's not really my kind of music she made a point of not wanting to go with me, but instead decided she wanted to go with two lads from work and their friends. About 4 weeks before this she went back on the pill too, having not taken the pill for about 2-3 years. This whole scenario left me feeling utterly un-wanted and caused quite a bit of tension. Ultimately I felt like there was nothing I could do though, so I just had to trust her and let her go. I don't have issues with trust as far as I'm aware but it did really annoy me and left me feeling insecure and suspicious. Last night she decided she was going to go for a drink which she doesn't do regularly (neither of us do) and asked if I could drop her off at the pub. On the way I found out that she was again going out with 3 of the lads from work and all their friends, some of which were at the festival with her. I was fuming but don't know what to do? I feel guilty about not being secure enough to let her enjoy the friendship of other work colleagues and don’t think I would feel this way if they were female friends? Am I over reacting? It's got to a stage were I am considering separating because our relationship has no physical aspect despite me still being very much attracted to her and in love with her. We get on great as friends but I don't think she wants the same physical side as I do. I feel used in all honesty because I pay the vast majority of the bills, I drive her to work and pick her up as she can't drive and just feel that she's the one being selfish despite her saying she's sick of thinking about others first. Please help.
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (4 July 2009):
 wait a second...
youve been with her for 10 years but not been intimate for a year?
You don't have a girlfriend, you have a person that has moved on from you but you are the last to find out. WAKE UP!
I dont know if you realize it, but you are being played for a sucker.
She went back on the pill?(SHE ISN'T HAVING SEX WITH YOU SO ITS WITH SOMEONE ELSE)
Going to a music festival without you and with these guys?
Declarations of hew WANTING to be more selfish?
She is telegraphing to you that its over...How more obvious can it be?
Buddy, you dont have a girlfriend, you have a manipulative female on your hands you have feelings for, whom apparently feels confident enough to dupe you and throw this in your face.
I think you need to man up, dust yourself off, and kick her ass to the curb. You dont want to be known as a sucker, and that is exactly what you are being played for. You are being used, plain and simple.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Go out with her and her new "mates". If you stll are not 100% sure then in my opinion you need to tell her exactly waht youve said on here, make sure you do this;
ask if you can have a quiet word, on a day she dosent seem stressed and when you havent argued.
when you have sat down, with no interferance, say " im going to just say how i feel about something, and i dont want you to interrupt..." then, spill your guts out explain why you feel insecure,(you have every right to be the way you described what shes doing). and see what happens, you might not like what she tells you or you might just be over reacting.
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A
female
reader, Valyda  +, writes (3 July 2009):
Please communicate!!! You guys have been together 10 years! it takes effort to make a relationship work. Sit down with her and tell her how you feel about her hanging out alone with single younger men. I mean if she cares about you she should at least cut back. Why can't she invite you out too? sometime relationships go through tough periods and this might be it but you guy should really talk about it and be honest about your feelings. It is OK to feel the way you do. Maybe she hasn't done anything yet to jeopardize the relationship yet. Imagine you say nothing and and she goes out there and cheats on you. YOu guys just need to work hard and put the romance back in the relationship. Sex is a vital part of any relationship, 6 months is too long. Even if you have to schedule having sex do it! it will come back, try new things.
It is easy to think about giving up when things are not working the way you want, but you are with this girl for 10 years for a reason. Don't just complain do something about things that bother you. Work on them TOGETHER.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Sounds very much to me like you're being took very much for granted. I'm not surprised you feel hurt and unwanted, I think anyone would in the same situation.
You should dump her as soon as possible - it's obvious she's not into you. You deserve better than this teaser. Honestly, why are all women the same?
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