A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is he on the rebound, I need a wake-up call if that's what I need...I am 31 yrs old and have been seeing this guy since mid-Jan. We met on New Years eve. I was out with friends and he was a friend of a friend, who was staring at me all night and (I was with someone else at the time, very casual not v.into him at all) and we went back to a mutual friend's for a party - his work colleague and my friend's sister's boyfriend.I didn't pay that much attention to him that night but I could tell he liked me.He added me as a friend on facebook, as well as the other friends I was out with.When I added the photos from the night out I tagged him in one and he sent me a message to thank me for doing so, we got talking and he said that "I'd made a real impression on him and he wondered if I wanted to go out for a drink". I, of course, accepted as he sounded nice and was attractive too.First night we went out, I was very attracted to him and him me. We dated once/twice a week for about 4 weeks. I felt really euphoric as I had not felt this attracted and in tune with anyone for ages but there were a few problems. we had slept together.He had split up from his ex of 8 years only 7 months ago. I was his first person he had dated, had sex with ec. He said that before he hadn't felt ready but he said he was now over her, but some things that happened did cause me concern. For example, he would drop her name into conversation a lot. I brushed it off and didn't make too much of an issue of it. Despite this, I was fairly confident that he was really into me as he was very consistent with contact and attention, and wanted to be affectionate and go places with me. You know, all the stuff that you do when u are into someone.He did explain to me that he was with his ex for 8 years, they had two children together (which were planned) but towards the end of their 8 yr relationship, (1 yr) he stopped giving her affection and said that he dreaded going home as he was so bored of his life and bored of the relationship. She told him in the January that she wasn't happy as he wasn't giving her any affection and was taking her for granted completely - letting her get up and make his pack-up at 6 in the morning without saying anything. She eventually (after a year of this) got fed up and went to her Mum's one weekend, then got her mum to phone and say you have to go. He said the peculiar thing was that he was more gutted the way her Mum spoke to him.Anyways, so he moved out. He said that the first week he left he went round there everynight. He has expressed his regret that his children will not have a proper family to grow up with, but said there is nothing he can do about it really. He sees his children regularly and is very devoted to them.He is good mates with her brother and sister and he told me that they'd both said they are on his side that she shouldn't have broken the family up.My personal opinion is that if she gave him a warning that she was bored then why didn't he take heed and do something to put the spark back?So anyways, back to us. Things were going good between us, his work mate (my friend's sister's boyfriend) said that everything he had said about me was really positive and that he talked about me a lot and really liked me.He used to (and has stopped it a bit more now I've spoken my displeasure about it) get a bit bitter about single mum's and the government making it easy for women to live on their own with children. something which I think was reflected about the fact she no longer needed him as the provider.He said he was bored of doing the same things in their relationship and that they just used to smoke cannabis at night time. He said it was the only thing he had to look forward to at night.So anyways, one night I got a bit drunk etc, and was emotional and went on and on at him incessentantly about whether or not he was over his ex. He told me he was, but I wasn't convinced. He was cold the next day. He went away and did ask how I was and assured me that it hadn't put him off me. I then invited him around on valentines eve to cook for him, which he said yes and came round.He upset me cause he turned up late (inever had done before) was a bit cold and didn't have anything to acknowledge the day and we had a disagreement about some stuff like he was brought up on a rough housing estate and he thought I was being insulting and looking my nose down on him but I was just joking. Then there was all the old insecurities because he hadn't done anything or been anywhere in his last relationship( well not much anyway) and he wanted to do all that stuff and I had been to so many different foreign destinations.He basically told me (after we'd had loads to drink and it was strained) that he couldn't commit to me 100% and that he still had his guard up. He said that he's not saying he wants a f***k buddy or Friends with benefits or anything like that but feels it's gone too fast. I told him to leave.I was very gutted.I made no contact with him. He did text me to say he was very sorry it had ended that way, but it was only when things moved very fast that he realised he wasn't ready, before that he didn't think it was going to move that fast.So, sorry this is long but want to give as much info as poss. He came back. He started talking to my mate's boyfriend at work, saying that he was 32 and was thinking that maybe a relationship is what he wants afterall.He sent me a message saying he had really missed seeing me and wanted to know if we could perhaps talk next time we "bump" into each other in town. I said yeh, but kept very cool, as I'd turned from upset to angry at the fact he'd dropped this on me even though he'd been the pursuer.So to cut a long long story short, he asked me out and we have been seeing each other for four weeks since. We seem very happy - he does and I do. He does mention the ex from time to time, mainly stuff to do with the kids but has said that he is 100% commited to me, doesn't want me to worry this time because it's not an issue anymore, he is over his ex and is happy in his new lifestyle (we go everywhere together, meals, days out etc) and loves his new life. He does seem smiley when we are together.He is also a lot more affectionate and the other night actually took my hand in his and kissed it whilst he was asleep and held it there all night.I am keeping my guard up but cos I was so very hurt last time he dropped the bombshell on me though. I can't specifically tell you what makes me fear he may not be over her, but it is a big worry of mine.We have progressed to spending a lot more time together and we have a good time together.He said to me the other week that he has got to the stage where he feels like he really cares for me and wants to take care of me.He sacrifices things to be with me, like he will still come to see me when he is very tired and has expressed the desire several times to meet my family.I do feel very good when he is around, like he does have feelings for me. The other nite after we had been out he was trying to get me to admit my feelings, open up about what I want.He kept asking questions like "do you want what I had before?" and I said "yes, but I am just seeing where this goes. we could be broken up next week, lets just take each day as it comes and enjoy each others time". He seemed hurt at this.I admitted to him that I did get bored and when I got bored I got depressed - pretty much the same as him, except I have been on and off single most of my 20s - through choice (loving my freedom and being with friends, occasionally falling in love) but do now long for a secure partnership and to eventually have a family.He looked very concerned when I admitted this and said "oh well then I'm no good for you then?" more as a question than a statement, and has said that he worries about me getting bored. I suggested to him that he is not looking for whwat I want now, and that he wants what I once had?? He said "Not necessarily" but has indicated that he is not ready to stay in all the time. He seems like a man who is not into casual flings. He has always been in a relationship. The other day though he did mention about getting his own place and not about moving in (i own my own place) and he is at home with his parents at the moment trying to save for a place of his own. but i spose we have only been together 2 months. But his ex has also got herself a serious relationship now and he does express his worry that his children will love the new man more than himself. I have reassured him that it will never happen - coming from a broken family myself, i know I never loved my step-father more than my own father.So what I am asking is, can anyone of you more wisely members see the wood for the trees in this situation,,, because I am so far in it, that I am doubting my own gut instinct...that maybe he does feel alot towards me. He has introduced me to his children and it went really well.He also makes plans for our future, stuff we can do together.He also praises me and is interested in my intellegence, whereas before he seemed a bit intimidated.....help.,, x
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at work, depressed, drunk, facebook, friend with benefits, his ex, moved out, spark, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Miamine,
Thank you very much for taking the time to read through all of my post and going to the trouble of replying.
I find your answer very helpful as it sorts through my muddle of different ideas in my head and reflects back to me the reality of what is in front of me.
I shall make sure that I do my best to put this away from my mind, but also consider the potentials for him not wanting what I may want in the future, and deal with it when it comes up.
Thanks once again.
x
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Sorry for all the insults, but you did ask me to give you a wake up call... unfortunately your too far away to slap and violence is forbidden nowadays..
Please listen to your heart, it's not deceiving you, he is exactly what he appears to be.. :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
Your a clever woman, this rang warning bells for me as well...
"My personal opinion is that if she gave him a warning that she was bored then why didn't he take heed and do something to put the spark back?"
hahahaha... I like you even more now...
"He used to (and has stopped it a bit more now I've spoken my displeasure about it) get a bit bitter about single mum's and the government making it easy for women to live on their own with children. something which I think was reflected about the fact she no longer needed him as the provider."
Doesn't answer your question, but again you show several warning signs about this guy that I'm sure your aware of..
"he was brought up on a rough housing estate and he thought I was being insulting and looking my nose down on him but I was just joking. Then there was all the old insecurities because he hadn't done anything or been anywhere in his last relationship"
Ok, answer to your question... you've noticed that you have different opinions and these can cause serious clashes. You have done well to discuss this and "get stupid man to realise he needs to think differently".. well done.
Now time for you, stupid woman to trust your gut instincts. It's all there, he dose care, he's not the type to play around, you met his kids, his future includes you, he changes his opinion because his stupid words make you unhappy, he's affectionate, he's always anxious to make you happy and frightened you'll get bored and leave him..
He's had 1year and 7months to decide he fell out of love with the last lady. He's bitter, he misses his kids, he feels its unfair the way he's been treated. Sometimes he mentions her a bit to often, that's pure habit and not a sign of love. He's well over the rebound stage. He's not jealous about his ex's new partner, he's just worried about his kids.
HE LIKES YOU... (stupid clever woman) and yes, he see's a future with you and only you. Can't see him doing well if you and him break up, he likes to be in a relationship with one woman he can respect and love... that means you from now on......
Danger signs.. different backgrounds, different experiences in life.. you already mentioned these...
Big danger.. you I assume want kids and marriage, he has had these, and probably dosen't feel the need and will feel guilty as if he is stealing something from the children he already has... But you have time, time to talk about it and work something out. He's not going anywhere, but you might, if your need for kids and marriage becomes desperate and he is still resistant because he's been hurt before... Somehow though, even though he dosen't say the words, I hearing "lurveeeeeeee you" in many things he says and dose...
This one's a keeper I think, you can trust him. He was just a bit confused and overwhelmed about having to trust and love again, and after what he's been through, can't say that I blame him. He's alright now, he'd rather be with you than anybody else.. :)
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