A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend since May. The relationship has moved rather fast and he's moved in with me already. We've had our first few big fights and a few times I've asked him to move back out but he didn't due to no where to go and within a few days we manage to work things out. Lately it seems we don't get along for more then a few days at a time and i feel myself becoming bitter. I'm trying not to be. We both want to make it work, I've even started praying. We're both people who long to find s someone to spend our lives with and make it work through thick in thin. The issue, after much reflection, and from my point of view is that we both have different ideas of how the relationship should be going. He feels that a relationship is basically two people co existing, having sex and paying bills togther. But I'm bothered by things like not going to bed together, his overly open use of porn, him hanging out at bars and drinking a lot. He is off work for three weeks, which is over Monday, and despite being home a lot, we don't manage quality time very often. He keeps himself busy, taking walks, watching movies, just whatever, and in all my past relationships living with someone we regularly acknowledged each other and spent our free time doing things we had in common. I don't feel i have much in common with him. The only thing i see is someone who would be around for years. I've talked to him about this and he says i expect too much and that all his guy friends spend their day in their garage drinking to get away from their spouses, and that all women are bitchy. He also says that we're five months in, there isn't supposed to be a spark anymore. Am i expecting too much? A few times he stayed at his moms house all night, and i feel a partner should come home at night. I posted a question yesterday about him talking to a naked chick. He's yet to change his mailing address and says I'm over reacting and isn't going back over there because he don't want me to get mad at him.
View related questions:
moved in, porn, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): I think you should insist that he moves out. He moved in too soon, and already he's exhibiting some very bad habits. Watching porn openly and around your new girlfriend will definitely cause friction; and you have every right to be upset about it. It's crass and disrespectful. Disgusting!
You're still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship; you shouldn't be having many arguments. If you are, that's a sign of incompatibility. Just because you call a truce doesn't mean you're getting along. Only a few days later, and you're back at it again!
If you want it to work, he has to live somewhere else, and you both try to work the bugs out. Living together was a bad idea when you hardly know a person. I knew the story was going to be a bad one, just when you said it was moving pretty fast. Fast means one of you is desperate, or both.
He may have needed a place to live and charmed you into taking him in; you're in your 30's and ready to settle-down but may be tired of searching for a decent match. Then he comes along.
In any case, he has to move out. No if, ands, or buts! If he has no place to go, he will have to plead with a family member who will take him in out of charity. If he can't find a place to live; may be it's because he's such a douche nobody wants to deal with him but you!
He has to go. If you don't have the courage to ask him to leave, go find your biggest and toughest male family-members to help him to decide he has to go. Ask them to stop-by as often as they like for dinner until he feels uncomfortable enough to want to leave. It might get on your own nerves, but invite family over as much as possible. He'll tire of it and want to move! If he has allergies, get a cat!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2018): Totally agree with honey pie can't Add any more to the fantastic advise other than heat him out the sooner the better
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2018): Honeypie hit the nail on the head with all they said. Five months in and if you are compatible you can sure bet your bottom dollar there should be a spark and a keenness to make it work and to compromise.
He sounds like he is being an ass because he thinks it is cool to act like a bastard and maybe like a lot of women you think you will be the one to change him.
It ain't happening, you didn't seem to even like him in your past post, there doesn't seem to be any great love between you.
You are young enough to still move on, don't just settle just to be with someone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2018):
 I think you two moved in together WAY too fast. You didn't really know him and he didn't know you.
The GOOD thing about living together is that you get to see who the other person is, and whether you are actually compatible long term.
You BOTH have preconceived notions of HOW living together should look and feel and they are NOT in agreement.
He has this rather sexist view of what a marriage/relationship is. Something women wants and men wants to escape from because all women are bitchy. Seriously?
You have the view that because you live together you should now be glued to the hip and do everything together. (over simplified explanation).
Which means you are at odd. Because neither of you want to see the other person's viewpoint. So you argue instead.
ARGUING is not conflict resolution. Him going to stay at his mom's when he feel he needs a break from you... is NOT conflict resolution either.
You ask, are you expecting too much?
Yes. From this guy, you are. In general, not really. While I don't think that people who are in a relationship and living together HAS to spend their time together doing "stuff" all the time, I think it's VERY important to have separate hobbies, interest and even friend circles that OVER TIME can overlap, I think him doing things with friends is NORMAL and you doing things with friend is normal too.
But if I may be blunt.. if this guy is telling you "He also says that we're five months in, there isn't supposed to be a spark anymore." then he is basically telling YOU... that he no longer feel like he has to put in an effort with you. Sorry, He is full of shit on every level.
I've been married for over 20 years and 1. my husband doesn't "hide" from me in the garage because I'm bitchy, he doesn't go hang out at people's home where the inhabitants are running around naked, and WHILE we DO have things we do together (and separately) it's NOT to get away from each other. We have also learned EARLY on to compromise. Which I don't see either of you really wanting to do. You, however, suck up his attitude because you WANT to make it work.
honey, you are trying WAY too hard to fit a square peg into a round hole.
He can move back home with his mom. If I were you I'd end it. You two have VERY different worldviews.
And.. he sounds like an ass.
...............................
|
