A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles,Apologies for the ridiculously long essay, but I am feeling very sad and sorry for myself tonight, and am using this process as therapy!Some background: I have been with my bf for a little over a year now. It started off like a real romantic passionate love affair, something I hadn't ever had really before, and we are still really in love (although naturally a little less intense). I am 30, he is 45 and he has teenage children from a previous relationship. He left that family home a few months before we got together, and he still feels incredibly guilty about the kids not having their dad at home. But he lives 10 minutes around the corner from them, and has them over 1 or 2 times during the week, and about 30 hours every weekend. I get on well with the kids, and come over and join them once in a while, but usually leave them to have their time together just the 3 of them.My problem is that I did that silly thing of living my life in a bubble really with my ex of 10 years - spent all our time together, and friends drifted away. And now we aren't together anymore (my choice), I find myself very lonely and empty a lot of the time as I can't be with my boyfriend as much as I'd like. Although I do love spending time alone, I sometimes get depressed about it - I always stay over on Fridays you see, but then have to leave at Sat lunch and have the rest of the weekend looming ahead of me alone. I really know I have to fill up my life and take responsibility, but I just never do, and end up hanging around at home with my cats! Tbh, I want us to be living together (there was a hint that we would when we first got together, but it never happened). I don't want my life to revolve around him , I know how off-putting that is, but it's such a conflict as his life is so full and mine so empty.To add to it, he is a World of Warcraft addict, and often when I am over there, he is staring at his computer for much of the night, feels guily, lavishes me with attention - continue cycle. To be fair, he does make an effort not to go on sometimes, and comes off the games as soon as he can when I am there, and I know what an effort that is for him as an addict of the game.This morning brought it all to a head really. Sat morning is precious to me as it's my only chance for a lie in with him. He set the alarm to get up v early to do his 'dailies' (World of Warcraft fans will understand!), promised he would come back in an hour or so when I woke up (I am lazy). But by 9 he hadn't. I have to leave by 12ish, so I just got up so I could at least be in the same room as him. But I wanted us to be making love or something. I certainly have a higher sex drive than him (another little conflict), but it's for him only and not just any man, I just love him so much, it's still the honeymoon stage for me in terms of how I feel about him you see.The other incompatibility is that he hates flying and NEVER wants to go away, would rather just stay at home, but I love to travel and used to go away a lot with my ex. It depresses me that I'll never again be looking forward to a holiday or adventure with my partner, I'll always have to arrange it and he'll probably be dreading it.So we spoke about it all this morning, and he really apologised for not coming back to bed, and agreed we need to spend more time together at the weekends. I hinted that I want to have a proper companion again, and move in together, or at least know that was on the cards. But said I realised that it would be difficult for us to move in together because of the time he needs to have with the kids (and I have 2 cats and a lot of stuff). He said "this is the age old conflict between men and women isn't it, when a man is happy with a relationship, he wants it to stay like that, when a woman is happy, she wants it to move on to the next stage'. The message I take from that is he is not ready to move in, but is it hopeless for me?So after that essay, my questions are:Was I wrong to push him; have i scared him off? Am I expecting too much from him too soon?Are we fundamentally incompatible, should I somehow leave him and put my energy into a man who has similar interests and desires from life?I just don't think I can leave him. He is an amazing, charismatic, handsome, funny, clever and caring man. I've never met anyone like him before, and can't face settling for the usual men I come across (don't mean to sound mean!). But maybe my life will be fuller that way.Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. jwx
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