A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last year my brother committed suicide and my boyfriend of one year was so unsupportive and indifferent that we broke up. He wouldn't take any time off work and was just distant and uncommunicative. He said we all deal differently and I was too emotional. This year I met a guy I thought was different. He seemed kind genuine and thoughtful. Last week my best friend of 20 years was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. I cried my eyes out as she has young children. My boyfriend of a month who works in the emergency services has distanced himself. He text saying I seem a tad crazy at the moment. Not crazy just so sad inside. I'm functioning and supporting her and she is so grateful. Am I expecting too much from him just to be there when I feel down or for a hug? He's distancing himself and I feel hurt and confused. I'm having bereavement counselling and my therapist says I'm doing great considering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I think you expect too much from boyfriends. They are not a part of your immediate family; neither of those men are your husband. They shouldn't be calloused and indifferent, they should show compassion. Offer you warmth and comfort, to some reasonable degree. I think you were demanding too much. In all fairness.
They don't share the attachment you have for the people you've mentioned; and you are expecting them to sense the amount of grief you have, and know what to do about it.
You are also expecting the loving support found between a married couple. Which takes time to develop.
No, men are not where women go to dump or unload all their sorrows, grief, and problems.
We are not beasts of burden. We are your mates, and we do share your sorrows and support you. We do comfort you; but there are women who go completely to pieces. We do protect you where you may not have the physical strength to fight alone; when you are overwhelmed. There are over-dependent helpless women who send men to early graves; because they draw every ounce of energy and life-source out of them.
Always reassuring, protecting them, catering to their weaknesses and insecurities. Pampering them. While they take it all in, and give very little back.
We don't have to take on all of your battles and challenges. While you sit lovingly looking on with your hands clasped over your heart. Completely out of harm's way; while we die for you without any effort on your part to lighten the load.
Only a husband, father, or brother has the moral obligation to give you around-the-clock comfort; when you've completely lost it. Most boyfriends can only take so much and he's out of there. He's got enough to deal with on his on. You could up and leave him any day of the week.
Most men do not like to sit through highly emotional situations; because we are required to be the one who absorbs it all and not blink. Courageously, with very little reaction to it. Always the hero and protector.
Women are still expected to have some emotional control. Not completely flake out when there is a crisis. You have to standby each other in mutual support. Not one always propping up the other. Sorry, but that old-fashioned notion of women being helpless is gone. Neither my mother nor my grandmother were like that. They fought-back tears, and stood strong by my dad and grandfather. So I don't expect any less from women.
A guy has to know he's got you to watch his back. A father needs to know that if he is suddenly stricken; or taken away from his family, you'll still hold it together.
A boyfriend needs to know, that if I should marry her; will I always be sopping up her tears, and babysitting her every-time an emotional crisis hits?
We run out of answers and we can't always comfort your every oncoming life-crisis. Solve all your problems, and fight all your battles. You have to develop your own strength, and be able to offer some of it to others when needed.
A man becomes battle-weary. He needs to have someone to supplement his strength. Backup. If he has to be away or duty calls him away; he needs to know that there is someone strong enough left behind to hold up the fort until he returns. That's why I admire the wives and mothers of soldiers at war. Single-moms. That takes strength.
You can rely and depend on us men; but keep your expectations realistic and within reason. Delicate and fragile is nice; but when it comes to survival, we all have to be strong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I am the OP. For part of my job I work in a Hospice. I am not a needy person by nature and totally understand how a sudden death or diagnosis can be overwhelming. I have totally tried to keep my emotions under wraps with both guys. I lean in my sister mostly. I am just shocked at how normally kind caring people can become indifferent and awkward. Illness and death are a part of life...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 I don't think you expect too much from your boyfriends, but you have to realize that not all people are going to be who you need. Plenty of people are wrong for you. In times of crisis is when it really shines through. If they aren't supportive to you in the way you need support, then to me it just means they aren't a good match for you. You need support in form of contact, hugs, maybe a shoulder to cry on. They offer support in .. silence? But some people would love that, really. Someone who equally withdraws in times of crisis.
You're someone who reaches out and wants someone physically there, for the tears and snot and periods of light hysteria. This guy just doesn't seem to be it.
I don't think a month is too short, presumably you have dated for a longer period of time, and have been officially a couple for a month already. The way people show support isn't something that blossoms only when they've known someone for x amount of time. It's instinctual, almost. The way people show support is in how they were raised, how they are.. it's part of their nature.
If he doesn't show you support in the way you need it now, I don't think he ever will. Adults seldom re-learn these social mannerisms. If this is how they have reacted in crisis for two or three decades, they will most likely keep reacting in this manner for the rest of their lives.
I am sorry for your loss and it is sad to hear about your friend. But for now, if I were you, I would stop trying to lean on the boyfriend, and rather listen to the therapist. You're doing great, keep that up. You are capable of standing on your own two feet, you don't need a man to get you through.
And, there is a time and place for everything. Once you've calmed down and figured out how you are going to handle the situation with your friend, that is the time you can sit down and think about what you want/need from a boyfriend. But one thing at a time here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): After only a month? Yes you are expecting too much. OP as much as there is supporting your partner in times of crisis there's also a matter of protecting your partner from those things too so as not to drag them down and
make the relationship all about counselling you.
We're your lover not your father, not your counsellor. We should be an escape, not someone you burden with all your problems. If you're not ready to protect people from that, then maybe you're not ready to date, OP. I mean there are limits to what people can take in that regard, and I understand times like these you just need comfort and someone to help you make sense of things but that's what your counsellor is for. Not a guy you're only seeing for a month. It's too heavy and you're sucking the joy out of being with you.
Maybe this sounds harsh, OP, but I don't think you'll find many people who will not distance themselves from an emotional wreck and one going through such tough times, it's draining, it's soul crushing and people like that are needy and selfish, not intentionally of course but people going through so much grief are naturally self-centred, it's the same for all of us.
My wife's mother is battling cancer, although it was caught early and she's not terminal. It cut my wife to pieces as you can imagine, but life goes on too for us, maybe she's different because we're with each other long enough to know each others limits. She didn't overload me or become needy, she balanced her needs by sharing her grief and getting comfort from her friends and family too.
Now I hope I never have to deal with what you're going through with your brother, I can only sympathise as I've had friends go that way too. But all I can say for sure OP is I wouldn't hold it against a person who feels they can no longer be with me while I deal with such a thing, it's the last thing in the world I want to feel, I'd be the last person in the world I'd want to be in that kind of situation, so I wouldn't except people to want to be with me romantically in that way when I have nothing to give them and just need far too much from them.
I'd be in no state to maintain a relationship if one of my sisters went that way, none. My wife knows me inside and out so I think she could deal with it, but she has her limits too and I'd have to protect her from the worst of it, I couldn't expect her sympathy and support to be infinite, OP, she too has her needs. Like the guy you're with only a month, he needs to be protected from this, OP. it's only been a month, he didn't sign up for such a heavy, dark and sad situation, no one dates for those reasons.
OP turn to the people you can rely on to comfort you, spread it around so you don't burden one person with it all, and try not to expect this guy to hang around if you have nothing but sadness and neediness to offer. Make him your escape, make him the fun that takes your mind off things even if it's just for a few hours or a night. It's nothing personal, OP, it's not a rejection of you, he has to protect himself emotionally from what's going on because it seems like you're not doing that well enough.
OP try to think of this objectively, would you really not find it tough to be with someone for such a short time that demands such intense emotional support? Because you're pretty much always down, and need a hell of a lot of hugs, OP, understandably so, but you need to bring more joy to this relationship than sadness or he'll just have to walk. He's your boyfriend, not your counsellor.
OP I wish you the best, losing a loved one to suicide is the worst, I think I'd be a broken man if it was one of my family members. I hope you can move on to a place of happiness and contentment soon. Just try not to expect too much from men in that regard, we have needs too, and we also need happiness and contentment, it's so very tough to be with a person who is sucking that out of you.
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