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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, we are twenty years old. I have been hinting for a while that I would like more commitment, for example living together or getting engaged. My boyfriend does not want to do these as he says there are still other things he wants to do, like travelling. I've told him that being engaged or living together doesn't stop you doing those things, it just means we are moving foward together, but he doesn't want to. I know we are young but we have been together for 5 years and are very serious. He has said many times that he wants to marry me but I'm scared that in another few years he'll be saying the same thing, that there's things he wants to do. I love him so much and I'd be heartbroken if we broke up. We have a very mature relationship, we did not sleep together for a couple of years as we were young when we got together. I really want to move foward but he says he's not ready yet. He still lives with his parents due to convinience for work. However, I really want to live together. I don't want to get married now, I'm not asking to, I just want more commitment. I wanted to know if i'm being unreasonable or if I shouldn't put up with having to wait so long. Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2006): Hi there, I know you love your boyfriend and after 5 years of dating it is understandable that you want more of a committment.
However, I have to say I agree with your boyfriend. He is still living with his parents probably for more than convenience, he probably cannot afford to financially support you in the style that he would like and is not ready for that responsibility.
Living together before marriage is not a good idea for a number of reasons. The psychological community has done several studies on this and have found that 82-90% of all living together arrangements (other than engaged couples who live together 1-2 months before wedding) that marry will end in divorce within a few years....which is significantly higher than non-living together arrangements. They sight that there is a self-selection process going on here where most often the maturity level and age of the couples play a role in living together arrangements. Also, there is something about living together that causes more marriage problems down the road.
So you see, living together is not "more of a committment" it is a stop gap arrangement that is a poor replacement for the committment you are after that is marriage.
I think 20 is very young to be married, especially in our modern society when there are so many options today for young people, and the cost of living is so high for most young adults it may be wise to wait until you have more experience under your belt and have a career path lined out for yourself. Money problems are probably the number one reason most marriages fail.
Sorry, if you don't like my answer, but I wanted to give you the honest truth of how I see your situtation.
If you don't want to wait on your boyfriend that is your decision, perhaps you may want to date someone else if you are not ready for marriage....timing is everything as they say.
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