A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in a very poor marriage (probably on the verge of breakup). All that is holding it together is our tremendous love for our children and a strong commitment to the institution of marriage.I was wondering how things got started on this downward spiral and I must admit that it was probably my fault. After we had our first child (we have 2 now) about 10 years ago (yes we have been hanging on a long time) I really lost interest in sex with her. First , I lost interest just because the whole child bearing event affected me in some weird way and I looked at my wife as more mother than sex partner(I am speculating from memory as to how I felt because it's been 10 years). Yes this is unfair but feelings are feelings and that is what happened to me. Second, my wife gained a lot of weight (and already was a tad heavy) and couldn't lose it. Not her fault, having a child can have quite an effect in the body, and I still loved her tremendously, but I was not at all sexually excited about her at this heavy weight (yes I know this sounds terrible and I have felt guilty about it for years but these were, and still are, my feelings about her being overweight).So long story short we both got very wrapped up in raising our kids and I kept busy, withdrew my attention from her, and ultimately hurt her very deeply. She has carried this anger and pain of this issue all these years but couldn't calmly talk aout it so we never could make any progress or reconcile a bit to heal the relationship. Sometimes I think that she hated being a bit overweight all her life and I just became the focal point of all that rage by pulling my affection away when she gained a lot of weight again - not sure...Now we are still trying to get along amicably but it seems like a losing battle.Obviously we've been through a lot more conflict over the years that needs some healing but I am still torn over my inability to feel sexually excited about my wife who is still quite overweight (no I have never been unfaithful over all these years of physical isolation - even though I still have strong sexual desires - yes it's been difficult, and more lonely than being alone in many ways). I think this sexual withdrawl I initiated started it all but I still feel the same way. Is this completely unfair? I know I loved my wife tremendously back then but I just couldn't get turned on after she gained all that weight after having kids. Later she became so angry and bitter that I wouldn't have wanted sex with her even if she was Miss Universe. Finally, years later, things have settled a bit but I still can't pretend that I am turned on - although I really would like to heal this realtionship and get back to the blissful happiness we had in our early years. Am I crazy, insensitive, or what? Does anyone else relate to this? (I don't want Barbie or an anorexic magazine model but I just can't get excited when a woman is 40+ lbs overweight. I realize this is some kind of cultural programming I am under but I can't fake it).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Anon, you are being way to hard on the guy. His love was not conditional... he loved her both before and after the weight. But physical attraction is a factor in sexual relationships and he shouldn't be blamed for having feelings. His post here is evidence that he acknowledges that those feelings may be hurtful. He came here for advice, not to be berated by you. It never ceases to amaze me that if a man doesn't meet a woman's expectations she is completely justified in trashing him. But women should be able to look any way, say anything, or do anything they want and if a man dares say "I deserve better" he's a pig.
How can you say his love wasn't conditional. He may have "loved" her regardless of her weight, which you seem to feel he deserves a medal for, but he still knew how he was making her feel, and did it anyway. As far as a woman being able to look anyway, say anything, or do anything they want... it sounds to me that she is the one who should say "I deserve better." I can understand that he may not be as attractive to her as he used to be. Then he should have done something about it, rather than let her suffer alone. He could have supported her in a weight loss program, join a gym, anything would have been better than letting her know he didn't want her anymore. He acts as if he is a martyr because he still would like sex and he hasn't cheated on her. Hurray for him! He should have been a man and done something about the problem other than take it out on his wife. I feel sorry for her and their children. What happens when one of his children disappoint him. Will he withdraw from them too?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Anon, you are being way to hard on the guy. His love was not conditional... he loved her both before and after the weight. But physical attraction is a factor in sexual relationships and he shouldn't be blamed for having feelings. His post here is evidence that he acknowledges that those feelings may be hurtful. He came here for advice, not to be berated by you. It never ceases to amaze me that if a man doesn't meet a woman's expectations she is completely justified in trashing him. But women should be able to look any way, say anything, or do anything they want and if a man dares say "I deserve better" he's a pig.
Realize that I'm not talking about men who base their entire relationship on the physical and I'm certainly not talking about men who use this subject to make their partner feel inadequate. I'm talking about an honest part of human sexuality that deserves to be talked about with a little compassion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): This question could have been written by my husband. So, I think I can provide some insight from the other point of veiw. You ask if you are crazy or insensitive. Let me start by saying that insensitive is an understatement. You said you loved your wife even after she gained weight (wow, that's generous of you!), but you didn't find her attractive sexually. So, you withdrew from her. In other words you let her know she wasn't good enough for you anymore. You let a woman whose self esteem was probably at a very low level, feel even worse about herself. You let her know that your love was conditional. Did you ever talk to her about how she felt? Did you ever ask her to go for a walk with you to get some exercise? Did you ever offer to help her, or did you let her just suffer alone? You've already answered that. What if one of your children gains weight? Do you shut them out also and let them feel the way you let your wife feel?
After I gained weight from having my children, my husband did the same thing as you. My oldest is 16 years old. At first I felt guilty for the way he must feel about me. The guilt caused me to continue to overeat and not exersice. I felt horrible about myself. Then came the anger. I thought I'm not going to lose this weight for him. Then came the acceptance. I decided this is how my life was going to be. Not anymore though! I realized my husband is just a selfish man. No where in our wedding vows was there anything about being allowed to distance yourself from your wife because she gained weight! I believed that marriage was through good times and bad. About a year ago I met someone. Another man. He is attractive and successful, and guess what, he finds me attractive as well! He has reminded me that I am a wonderful person. I am smart, funny, and people enjoy being around me. Oh, and I am fat! That is just one part of me. Since meeting this man, I realized I don't have to be thankful to my husband when he has sex with me 4 times a year. I deserve better. And before you get on your high horse and point out that you have never been unfaithful to your wife, I have not been unfaithful to my husband either. I have however joined a gym, joined weight watchers, and feel so much better about myself. I have lost 46 pounds and have another 20 to go to get to my goal weight. And guess what. My wonderful husband has started paying more attention to me. It's too late though. I will be leaving him soon, which he doesn't know. I am not leaving him for this other man. I am leaving him because of him! Because of the way he treated me for so many years. Sometimes I wondered if he knew how he made me feel, but after reading your question I'm sure he knew, just like you knew, how horrible I felt about myself. As far as the other man I've met, I don't know what will happen with him once I leave my husband. All I know is I will never again allow another person to make me feel the way I did. I will always be grateful to this man for letting me see myself the way he did!
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