A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It has been some time since i have sought advice. I just can't seem to get on with my parents. There is quite a history but for the last 2 years things had improved but things are increasingly frought of late.My dad isn't a touchy feely dad and when I was younger he showed no interest in the things that I was good at, in fact i can't remember him coming to football practice or games , in fact ever attending anything where you would see others parents supporting their kids. My Mum(stepmum) would be frantic and constantly stressed because my dad would pressure her and make her feel guilty whilst she showed interest or occasionally gave friends and I lifts in the car.This made me feel sorry for her. I remember whilst growing up being told by my Dad, "You are wierd, there must be something wrong with you to like sport!" When I asked my dad can't you come to watch he would say "I hate sport, it's so boring"When i left home at 17 my Mum and Dad would criticise the way i was looking after myself (and to be fair it wasn't great at that time!) My mums first words everytime we met were "God you look awful!" (Not hello!)My dad would refer to my real mother as " the witch",I have subsequently learnt i am the product of a last attempt (reconciliation) in their marriage,but she says it was rape.I now view the past with a more grown up attitude and don't think it was normal, i have suggested this and then am accused of being an "ungrafeful wretch"Recently(15 years on) I was shocked when at my wedding my dad shook my hand for the first time in my life. When I visit my Mum and Dad they never have a nice word to say about anyone, it's always critism of everyone ,family and supposed friends. I got annoyed recently when my Mum started talking to me about a matter i discussed to Dad in confidence(about me).When i mentioned it i was accused of being "a KGB agent" and too secretiveI wonder if Mum gossips about me to others and my personal goings on, a clue to whether she does was when this week she said to me "Your brother said not to tell anyone But........." I expressed disgust she had betrayed his confidence but this made my Dad defensive and then dismissive of my opinion. They get upset if i suggest they shouldn't discuss others private imformation and I don't know if I can trust them to keep imformation to themselves.Today I was involved in an accident(gladfully unhurt) , a hit and run! I told my Mum and Dad ,my dads comment was that If I had taken his advice on insurance I wouldn't have the problem I'm in now(because i could only afford 3rd party only) He made me retaliate and now we have fallen out because he says I was hurtful!When they are together they constantly bicker and behave like children ,its oneupmanship constantly! You said this, You did that! etc. Its getting too much!!!!!!!Why can't we see eye to eye?Are we as bad as each other?Am I being unfair on them?I am concidering severing ties , Should ICan this ever be settled?Advice please! Help
View related questions:
confidence, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments so far. It is always interesting and sometimes reassuring to hear other perspectives, i must confess i had already started to go down the "path of least resisitance" route (like GingsengMeow)To Mrs.Mom your suggestions are great but much easier in theory than in practice!(As you I'm sure you have learned yourself!) Thanks again
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): Good advice comes in many forms, sizes and interpretations. Just as the way relationships 'work' for different people.
I learned "the path of least resistance" and "choosing your own battles". One thing when dealing with people, I could either allow the rawness of myself be exposed and try to enforce an opinion enthusiastically, or stand back and observe the situation and decide how to go about it, knowing the history of my past battles.
In your case, we know there is very limited communication between you, your dad and step-mother. "Limited communication" means consideration of each other in a coherent manner. You know that speaking with them yields far worst results than positive ones. However, ultimately, you need not do anything. You need not sever ties, but you need not do anything further as well.
In other words, live the life you want to with the path of least resistance. If you already know they are difficult to communicate with, then stop yourself in allowing unnecessary battles to happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom  +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Oh boy. Well, your parents sound pretty negative. Neither of them can respect a confidence or has a clue how to support you in your endeavors (except for that nice handshake at your wedding, so your Dad isn't a complete loss!). They do sound like they are difficult to get along with.
I sympathize with your bitterness over your childhood. However, you are an adult now, and it's imperative that you move on. There are two reasons for this: first, because you will have a happier life if you do, and second, because it will allow you to stay in contact with your family without being crushed by their negativity. Aren't those great reasons?
I don't have a magic recipe for forgiveness. That's basically what you need to do, but it can't be just "Oh I must forgive them. Okay I forgive them." Your attitude toward them just change. I'll tell you how it happened for me.
I had kids.
LOL Yes, it's that simple and that hard. Every day, trying my best to raise those kids, I began to see that my parents had their work cut out for them, and I began to understand why my mom yelled and had temper tantrums and just wanted things her way now and again. I could see how overwhelmed my alcoholic father must have been by a houseful of noisy, selfish kids. And gradually, year by year, my judgment of them and my anger at them lifted.
I don't recommend you have kids just so you can forgive. Perhaps you already have them. Maybe it would help to remember some of the old times, but from their perspective, always remembering that they in turn were raised by less than perfect parents. If their parents had been wonderful, I bet they'd have more of a clue about how to treat you, after all!
Another way to gain that forgiveness is when you start feeling resentful toward them, ask yourself: Has my life really turned out that bad? ANd list all of the good things in your life. Then ask yourself, with all you have, can't you afford to be generous to a couple of old clueless poops? I bet you can.
Another bit of advice. No matter what they say, do NOT criticize them. Do NOT chide them for gossiping. Do NOT reminisce over what crappy parents they were! Believe me, I did the same, and I got just as bad a reaction as you did. No wonder! No one likes to be criticized!
Make it your job to make every meeting with your parents a pleasant one. SUre, they will be working against you, and part of your job will be to nod and smile when they say something or horrid, or pretend you didn't hear, or suddenly see your toddler grabbing a valuable vase across the room. I think eventually they will soften as the time they spend with you becomes pleasant and gentle.
I hope this helped you. I really do sympathize with your plight. It took me decades to get over my bitterness toward my family (oh and I'm not completely over it anyway LOL). But cutting off the people who you lived your first years with should be a very, very last resort. I'm sure you would regret it eventually.
...............................
|
