A
female
age
30-35,
*ea cucumber
writes:I have a question concerning two of my best friends. one is a girl and one is a guy. I want to know if i am being nasty and jealous or is my female friend overstepping her bounds. I have been friends with both of these people quite some time however the three of us have never hung out all together until about 3 weeks ago. Since we all went out together my male friend "Joe" as friended "Sue" on facebook and they have chatted often. This does not bother me, it is how sue acted since they started talking. She acts like she knows him better than me and the only reason she knows anything about him is because of things i have said. I feel as if she is trying to out do any friendship i have had with him for 3 years. She as also mentioned she now has feelings for him. This i feel is so she can just out do me because she knows i had feelings for joe when we first met but became better friends. Sue can tend to be very jealous and think she has become so since i started dating this new guy and it is going well. I just dont feel like her feelings she says she has for him are genuine because she has made comments in passing how i make joe seem muc more attractive than he really is prior to our outing. I feel like being friends with joe has become this competition and she is being nasty. Am i being too sensitive or is she trying to become more than friends with him just to upset me? thanks for any help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): I don't think her intention is to annoy you. I think she has a crush on Joe and instead of being cool about it, she is trying to mark her territory, perhaps a bit prematurely. And what for? I don't think she is thinking, "what can I do to annoy my friend." It's subconscious but she sees you as a threat.
And that comment about how you made Joe seem more attractive than he is...she's full of it. She's just trying to downplay her attraction to him.
This girl is very insecure. As far as men are concerned, she is probably going to be this way with all guys. She doesn't have the confidence to be able to be friendly with both of you without turning it into a competition. She thinks the only way she can get guys is by subduing and eliminating you or anybody she views as competition.
I used to have a friend like this. It's so annoying. Whenever we were around guys she was interested in she'd "jokingly" make condescending remarks toward me. To make me look bad or stupid. She'd always try to move in on guys I was talking to. If she was going out with the boys she would "forget" to invite me out. Obviously she wasn't all bad as I was friends with her for a while but over time I grew tired of her and her attitude with boys caused the riff that ended our friendship.
You're starting to see her true colors.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 January 2015):
I think you are feeling threatened in your friendships. You used to have each of these friends to yourself. Now it appears they may be becoming close and might even hook up, and then you would be really shut out or become a third wheel.
These feelings are totally understandable. It is time to take a step back and evaluate the situation objectively. How much do you value the friendships? Are you willing to lose them both over competition between you and this other girl for the guy friend's attention?
You can't control her behavior, you can only control your own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): Hi,
I have had the same problem with a female friend of mine. I was friends with a guy who I was quite close too - but I didn't want to get too serious & then this other girl comes & takes him away from me - so that now we hardly speak.
Regarding your situation - I don't think you are being nasty. You need to have a sixth sense in situations like this, and if you sense that something is wrong or she is trying to out do you - it is probably cause she is!
You could probably have a word with her, but if she's not totally honest with you - you're best probably avoiding her in future.
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