A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend used to be my fiancé. Now I'm not sure if he's even my boyfriend anymore, but I guess that's where my question comes in. I called off the wedding about 6 weeks before we were to be married. It was a very unsatisfying engagement, sadly. I think he proposed to save our dying relationship and I said 'yes' because I wanted it so badly. Anyway, we have a hard time spending time together. He has too many jobs (that he doesn't need) and it makes him extremely stressed out with little time for anything. When we are together he spends a huge amount of time on his cell phone checking sports scores and reading sports related articles in addition to checking in at work and responding to texts from friends. A few times when I expressed my struggle with connecting with him his response was "I gave you a g**d*mm** ring, what more do you want!?" Well, my response WOULD have been "Everything. A LOT more". But I cannot say things like this to him as it would be inflammatory. So I just tried to make do with less. If I told him I missed him, he would go crazy yelling about how he was doing the best he could and he KNEW that I was going to leave him, etc. So I stayed, I think, so as not to "prove him right" and leave. Mostly, it wasn't what he said but HOW he said it. If I told him that, he would get furious. It would always start a huge argument. I am very careful with my words. I am not a nit-picker. I feel like I only brought up things that really bothered me and I wanted to discuss them or maybe bring something to his attention that maybe he didn't realize. But he saw everything that I said as an attack on him. At which point he would immediately become rude and sarcastic and call me "perfect". He asked me once if I thought I was perfect. When I answered him that of course I'm not perfect. I'm far from perfect, I'm human, I make mistakes, I have things that I work on everyday, he seemed truly shocked that I didn't answer "yes". Anyway, we have been working on our relationship. I hoped that we could turn things around and still get married someday. We saw a counselor but he got very defensive and offended if the counselor focused on him. He was very upset that the counselor said he sounded like a "fixer" (wanting to fix and make things right for other people). On the other hand, he was fine when the counselor focused on me. Like he felt lots better that possibly our relationship problems were my "fault". We have been really struggling just to get along. The ice is very thin. Recently I sent him a picture of us from a happier time and his response was "Right. Another night that I ruined for you. Thanks." And I haven't heard from him since. I wanted to comment on his need to use sarcasm when I sent him a really nice picture of the two of us. We were both happy and smiling. But I just didn't answer. It's painful. It's been 4 days. It seems like a lot longer. We just can't seem to get along. I feel as though asking him to have dinner with me in a restaurant (on one of the very rare occasions that we have alone together) and not to check the hockey score is not too much to ask. Seriously. We have such precious little time together. I want us to focus on each other and I feel like he's just waiting for me to get the last word of my sentence out so he can take another peek at the scores. So even when he's listening, he's not really listening. I brought this up gently and he went CRAZY hollering about how he's a grown man and he's not going to be with someone who tells him what to do and he shouldn't have to feel guilty about checking the scores, etc. etc. Should I just walk away at this point? Am I being too demanding that he pay attention to me during a rare dinner out? Is it normal to get a sarcastic comment in response to sending him a nice picture of us? Is "I gave you a ring, what more do you want"? normal? He tells me I want too much. I don't want to be a jerk or too needy. But I don't' feel like I am. I feel like I'm a nice person and these are common courtesies. We were to be MARRIED. Don't I at least deserve common courtesies? Or am I being a "princess"?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): He sounds like an immature little boy having a temper tantrum and indeed he is all of those things.
He is also verbally abusing you by yelling at you.
You need to get away from this boy. He is not a man by any means to treat a woman in this way.
It's best to walk away as fast as you can.
There will be someone out there that will treat you with the respect that you deserve.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 September 2014):
Yup, walk away. It's time. Some relationships are beyond fixing, and this is one.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 September 2014):
 Sounds more like him trying to be a king rather than you trying to be a princess. However, leaving royalty out of the arrangement, he also sounds highly uncomitted leaving you in a position of trying to figure out whetjer or not this clown actually loves you or not, and let us not forget your indecision about the wedding. This sounds like a relationship made in hell.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2014):
 I think the fact that you have been walking on eggshells for SO long trying to NOT rock the boat, might be why you did what you did. And I think it was the RIGHT thing to do (ending the engagement).
It would have been a mistake to marry him with all these issues unresolved. Your BF wasn't really interested in working it out, he wanted to play the blame game, which is why the counseling sessions was wasted on him. Like YOU even noticed he was upset when the focus was on HIM and HIS part in the problems but absolutely aboard when it was your "fault". To me that SCREAMS narcissist. Someone who CAN NOT own their own fault and mistakes. It's ALWAYS someone else fault. And what better WAY to TELL you I don't think I EVER do anything wrong then by using sarcasm? Sarcasm has it uses but when it comes down to trying to solves issues? Not the time or the place.
Do you DESERVE common courtesy? Deserve? Not really. Not if he isn't WILLING to do so. Would it make sense if he (and you) USED some common courtesy? Of course. But don't forget, he doesn't WANT to fix things, because that would be the same as admitting that HE too is part of the "problem" and part of the "solution". He is acting like a 5 year old being told it's bed time and he doesn't WANT to go to bed even if he is yawning his head off.
Now, walking on eggshells DOESN'T solve any problems either. So it's not like HE is ALL to "blame" and you are not. However, you can not FIX a relationship if BOTH parties aren't really willing.
His, I gave you a ring, what MORE do you want? says a lot. That would have been his go-to passive-aggressive stance EVERY time you don't agree, and seriously... how can anyone argue that? It makes no sense. It makes it seem like he GAVE you a ring to SHUT you up. "You got a ring, now shut up and be happy!" basically and WHO wants that?
I would pack up all his stuff and ask him to collect it, then I would cut the contact and move on. If I were you I might even consider talking more to that counselor about how to communicate better within a relationship.
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