A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It is a long story but i think its important to say what happened leading up to today.My girlfriend and i have been in a relationship for 4 years this past august. She came to me last week and said she needed space and and it came to a shock to me. We were in a rut and usually you work them out but she needed space.Prior to this, there has been a new kid at work i know she went to lunch with twice. I use to work at this same place. I told her i didn't feel comfortable about it. I also felt she was getting distant so on Monday i brought her lunch. Tuesday i sent her flowers to work and then she said she was going to the beach Thursday night with her friend to see the waves of the storm even though it wasn't up here yet. So i asked her if we could hang out Friday and she said yes. I gave her a card with all my feelings Thursday night. Friday comes and she said that she needs space.( I understand the space thing now but before leading up to this point i didn't)We had some emotional talking i was more upset then her. she left, i was depressed and went to bed early to later have her come back that night to go to sleep and snuggle up next to me. I thought this was good?So Saturday she was gone all day. When she came back i asked her what time she was going out and she asked why i knew she was going out. I gave her a look like i knew and she said 8.I called her that night after reading advice about space and told her that i am ok with her taking space to think things over even though i wasn't ok with it but i gave it to her. She came back Sunday and told me she needed more time and packed some clothes. She wouldn't change in front of me, which was a big sign for me. I wanted to call her, txt her so much but i restrained myself from doing so. And it hurt really bad but i was told that this is what she needs so i followed the advice of many people. -----------------She came back today, Thursday, to get clothes and thought i wouldn't be home. (We have been living together for the last 2 years. I own the house and pay most bills she pays some bills as well. We also have 2 dogs. I am 28yr and she is 24yr)So she came in and we sat down and i asked her if she missed me and she said yes and i asked if she was in love with me and she said thats not so simple. So i asked her when she was planning on coming to talk to me and she had said tomorrow.So i told her to "Seize the day"Eventually she spoke. She told me that when she went to the beach Saturday night she didn't just go with her friend, that they both brought someone. She invited that kid from work.She made out with that kid from work and they felt each other up and slept until the morning. She said that they didn't have sex or go beyond what she said. but they did spoon each other and slept on the beach until 7am.She says that she didn't realize what she was doing,(she also doesn't drink or do drugs) that when she woke up she couldn't believe what she had done. She was crying and sobbing so much, climbing on top of me as i sat there in shock, begging for forgiveness that she loves me that she f'd up that she doesnt want to hurt me that she hasnt slept.I dont know what to do. I told her i need time. I told her that if you love something and let it go and if it loves you back then it will come back to you, or something like that.I asked her for time and she left with more stuff. She said she would need to come back to get more things eventually. She wants to be with me and the space she took she realized that she wants to live her life with me and that she made the biggest mistake of her life. I still love her but i can't wrap my head around all of this.I can't understand after 4 years of true love that this would happen. Am I a sucker if i take her back? I think that her initial problems of the 2 dogs or my bad habits will get to her again. However she is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, and she has even suggested counseling.I am lost....
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to those that have responded, I appreciate the advice you have given me. I am still trying to figure out what to do and i think its going to take time to figure it out. I don't think they have had sex and that i am pretty sure about that. I just have a hard time understanding why someone would do this. I can understand better if she was in a abusive relationship, if she was drinking, if she did drugs, which is not the case....i guess it hurts that much more when she doesn't have a scapegoat. I am having a hard time deciding if i should let go. I know there are more fish in the sea and that time will heal my wounds but its hard when it has been love keeping you up until this point.
Thanks again for the advice
A
female
reader, xxbuggabu24xx +, writes (11 September 2010):
 First im very sorry that this happened to you, but if you have been together for 4 years and she loves you as much as she claims she wouldnt have gone behind your back and took that other guy to the beach. I wouldnt call you a sucker if you took her back but i would feel bad for you because if she did it once and you take her back you'll be showing her that its okay with you and you'll put up with it. So you need to decide what you want from her. If you want to be with her you should go into it with caution because if after 4 years she did this i dont think anything will be different. But i do wish you the best of luck with your choice!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Yes, you ARE a sucker if you take her back. If after 4 years, the love for you is so weak that she would actually go through with this, you're better off finding a more faithful woman, there are plenty of women out there that couldn't ever conceive of doing this to you, it would be repugnant to their moral conscience. I know that if I was in your place that is what I would do. You need to be able to trust the person you're with 100%, no exceptions, a breach of trust like this is completely unacceptable and unforgivable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): First, I'd prepare yourself for the probability that they did indeed have sex. Second, I think what you did was right. If she truly wanted to be with you, she wouldn't continue to take more stuff. She's trying this other "kid" out, but keeping you as reserve. I'm not going to tell you not to allow that, but you will need to decide if you can let her get into a relationship with someone else while you wait for the table scraps. I wouldn't. I'd leave it for now with you need time. Take this time to think about how you'd feel with her after all this and whether you could let th erelationship continue. Then, if you do, I would suggest counseling. That was a good sign on her part, but she decieved you and cheated, so beware of false pretenses with th ecounseling thing. The only thing she's seemed to gain in your 4 years together is a good sense of where your boundaries are and that you will tolerate a lot in the name of love. Don't tolerate deceit and lies. You're not a better man for putting up with crap...even if she seems in earnest now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): If they didnt have sex,as she claims,then give her a chance,her last chance.But first take time to think,keep her at a distance,space her out,go out,do your own thing.Get together,have a serious talk,give her a chance,but now the relationship must be on your terms,you must be in control,if she doesnt like the new rules,show her the door.Show her you not begging her to stay.Remember she hurt you,theres no excuse for what she did,no one forced her to do anything,she made the choice.Tell her to break all contact with this other guy & if you find out she has made any contact with whatsoever,its over between you two.Theres no excuse for cheating,if she had a problem with you or the relationship she couldve come & talk to you.Dont be rude to her when you go about doing this.
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