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female
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anonymous
writes: Growing up, I was always a real "tom-boy", which is normal, but ever since I was little, and even to this day, I wish I were a male. I always find myself becoming attracted to girls, but lately it's been getting more serious: I'm falling madly in love with them. This is a very deep secret that I tell no one, especially not the people I fall in love with. But I always have trouble ignoring it. So, I usually try to become friends with them. But it's hardest to become friends with someone you're deeply in love with, especially if you're keeping it a secret. I can not tell anyone about this, and I wish I were not like this. I just want to find out a way to become good friends with the girl I'm in love with, so she doesn't leave my life forever like the others. And maybe, after a while, being friends will be all I need or want... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2006): Firstly, you need to separate out who you're attracted to, and who you believe yourself to be. Every person has
a) the gender they were born with
b) the gender(s) they are attracted to
c) the gender(s) they see themselves as
It is an entirely too popular lie that these things match up perfectly in anyone. You'll need to do some deep self-reflection to consider whether the gender you wish to be stands on its own or is more like part of your attraction to girls. Consider carefully, even though it sounds like you are very confident that you wish to be a boy. Would you be happy if you could act on this attraction to girls as a lesbian?
No matter what you decide, however, you shouldn't have to forego your attraction for the rest of your life, nor live other than you would like. Wishing to stamp out your own desires is a long and horrible legacy that the queer world has endured, and it does not work in the long run. If at all possible, research local queer/trans youth groups. Even if it means driving an hour each way to get to the closest big town, I think you'll find that with the support of some more well-travelled genderqueers, you can better understand what all of this means to you.
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (20 January 2006):
 Feeling like this must be so hard on you, I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. In my opinion, surpressing the person you are is only going to get harder, you will at some point have to learn to love yourself if you really want to be happy. Becoming friends with someone is relatively easy, just express an interest in things they like, invite them to hang out with you, form a friendship with this person like you would any one else. I really don't think that you are going to be able to be satisfied by the relationship, somewhere in your heart you will probably always wish it was more. I really think the most important issue is the fact that you are not facing what you feel inside. If I were you I would seek the help of someone familiar with gender identitity disorders, and/or homosexuality. Obviously I am not a professional but I feel like you need to figure out who you are so that you can move forward with your life and begin having healthy relationships, that are satisfying to you. I know that you feel alone, but there are many people out there that have successfully dealt with these issues and learned to love themselves. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex, or even feeling like you may not be the gender you should be, and there are people that can help you figure out what your options are. Good luck.
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