A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is the kinda guy that is usually so nice and understanding and not the typical asshole, even when we're super bad and he knows im upset he tries to make everything better. Takes his blame and even some of mine.. and just complete perfect, so thoughtful and so generous, not judgmental and just so down to earth, and very helpful.But lately he's been really irritable, i made a joke (which i regret dearly) and he took it so offensively, and he knows that i'm the type of person to make those kind of jokes. And so in order to get back at me he used something that he knew i was really embarrassed about in bed , and knows that brought up it makes me cry. So he used it to get back at me for the joke i made.. and ever since then i've just been really down, and sad, he didn't even comfort me he told me i deserved it, so i wouldn't make jokes like that ever again. (he's never done anything like this before usually he just laughs it off.. i didn't know it bugged him) So after that fight we've just been really really rocky, and he just keeps hurting me and hurting me and i keep telling him you're hurting me please stop, he has no sympathy. I've asked him to apologize i've seen no apology. Like he doesn't care anymore? But yet he says he cares and that i'm the one hurting him? So i feel bad, and i've distanced my self a bit form him soo i can get thru my exams.Today I asked him if i could talk to him after my exams, so i don't get more hurt.. he said ok. After a while i sent him a paragraph saying how i want to tlak to him after my exams ( which are done in a week) so i can concentrate on my exams and pass them without breaking down because ive had to leave class a few times to avoid breaking down in class, and that during the week we dont talk if he can think about wanting to be with me and show me he wants to be with me or not, and if he does to be like he used to be. It was a pretty detailed long pararaph. He read it, and never replied. While we've been rocky we still talked back and forth normally.. he's come online on facebook like 5 times before he'd reply. note: he is online on mobile.my assumption is maybe he's messaging another girl? Then i went and looked on his instagram, and he was talking back and forth with this girl that he works with.. note that he tells me about all his workers he's close with, and tells me stories about them even if their girls. I never heard of her before ? SHe put an emoji on the picture, the laughing one, and then he commented back "jealous?" and she was like no, id rather not be working right now.. and hes like well dont come crying to me when you're homeless ;) and sehs like id rather be homeless. ;) and hes like well i wont share money with you.. jk ofcourse i will im nice ;) i should post the photo of you.. its so funny . And shes like my photo of you is funnier ;) I looked up signs of cheating and he met all the requitrement.. - irritable - ignoring - change of mood - change of personality etc i just need opinions on what other people think instead of biased ones from my friends :) maybe im being to over dramatic ? who knows.. thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015):
No, I don't think he is necessarily cheating.
I think a few things are going on here.
First, him not taking the joke well was out of character.
It sounds like it may have been a particularly cruel joke that you told. By any chance was it a joke about his body, body parts, his abilities in bed, or something along those lines? If so, that cuts to the core and that is why he reacted the way he did. Lashing back at you with a similar joke and saying "you deserved that" makes me think that you hurt him (as you say he is usually loving and kind and that was out of character). Men can be insecure too. I would make damn sure that i'm building his ego up rather than tearing it down- no one likes that and yes it will lead to him wanting to cheat or leave.
Next, you told him that you wanted to have a talk with him once your exams were done. What does that mean to a man? You want to break up! I'm sure it sounds to him like you are looking for a way out and you are unhappy. Especially if you say "let's talk-- but we can't yet because i'll get too upset." the message seems clear to him.
These things may well be contributing to a sense of insecurity in the relationship on his part. He doesn't know where you two stand right now. He may be partaking in some flirtatious banter online with a coworker to make himself feel better.
I doubt it is any more than that at this point.
Before your relationship goes down the drain over nothing, sit down with him and have a talk, rather than sending him foreboding messages.
Try to be understanding and patient. I would make it crystal clear that you want to be in this relationship and are not trying to break up, you just want to get closer.
I wouldn't bring up the coworker messages in the first talk. Focus on your issues, and then if he wants to try to work things out you can ask him about the messages at a later time.
Good luck,
A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (31 January 2015):
 I honestly couldn't tell you if he is cheating or not but I think you should consider not chasing him for information or stalking his profiles because it is just going to make you feel worse. IF he is cheating then there is not much you can do about it at this point but if he is NOT cheating then you might inadvertantly push him into cheating by making any accusations that aren't actually true at this moment in time. I would play the waiting game, be nice, polite, civil and don't rush to judgement and see what happens. If it is meant to be it will work out and if it is not, you are strong independently, too, and you've got this!
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A
female
reader, Auntie_C +, writes (30 January 2015):
 I'm sorry but just reading this crushed me as if I were in your shoes. He really sounds like he's cheating, or if not that... He's flirting at the least looking for other girls to rub his ego. Focus on you for now. Id give him the cold shoulder and give him time to think about everything he's missing. Guys are weird like that I've learned, they need time to miss us... Every text you send is a constant reminder and starts back at the beginning of the meter they have haha. So really relax worry about your exams and take it one day at a time. If he doesn't come around, be strong. Something I wish I could be. Prove to yourself you are amazing and deserve someone else who knows that too. God bless. Keep us updated. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): He sounds like an immature idiot - and sorry but nice, caring guys can also have this idiotic horrible streak that only comes out once you REALLY get to know them over time.If he's not having a physical affair already, then he's having an emotional affair for sure. Inwardly he feels huge guilt and frustration and he is totally taking this out on you by using the 'decoy' of the joke you made about him and doing things to undermine you. A decent guy would just say that you hurt him and then move on with you and forgive and forget. He's too immature to do that and so he's trying to keep blaming you and making you feel bad and use this as an excuse - he's testing out the waters with this other girl and he's probably told her that you're not really together anymore, and is waiting to see if she's interested. Meanwhile, he's trying to make this seem as true as possible by just not contacting you and by laying a false blame on you for something that someone else would've just gotten over way before now. He's an asshole, and he's keeping you in suspense just in case this other female doesn't show him she's interested/in case she won't start something up - then he'll come back to you and be lovey dovey again, until he finds some other girl he's interested in and it will all start all over again.Every time he hurts you and he says you deserve it and he shows no empathy, he is instinctively trying to weaken you, so that he can have more control over you. The reason he is doing this is because he himself feels out of control in regard to his desire for this other girl - including feeling guilty underneath everything. People who cheat routinely try to pick an argument with their partner because it's their way of trying to feel that what they're doing is justified.Get rid of him. He will try to keep you dangling, but just get rid.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 January 2015):
While it could be cheating, making this assumption is a bad call and no one should use this as an answer to problems. You have to look at the things that revolve around coming to a conclusion and ultimately deciding if the relationship is worth it or not.
Is the relationship going anywhere? Is there communication? Can you both resolve your differences? Is he supporting you and you supporting him? A lot of people wait until things are too late just for the safety of being in a relationship. Obviously at the moment, it does not seem like he is willing to pay any attention to you much less sort out any issues. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship because you are simply wasting your time on this guy.
You have not mentioned much about your relationship before these issues came into play so I do not want to go further than this. I hardly think a guy is worth losing school for so in these times you have to find your inner strength to pull yourself through it.
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