A
female
age
41-50,
*niquee
writes:I really do not know where to begin. Its simple though I met an incredibly sweet man on the internet. We hit it off really well , we were always online or the phone. I even helped him with a few bills. Even went as far as even buying him a cell phone and payed two of the bills even. But I didn't mind because I loved him. Finally we started to get really serious and to the point where he would ask me to "Marry" him. I of course accepted and finally we were engaged. I was never happier. Then the talk came of him wanting to have a child with me. I of course wanted a baby so after many talks I was reeled in and we planned our children. Even naming them. Sighs... my dreams were coming true. Again to know I can be happy with someone . Then time came for me to fly to where he is , I went and of course the obvious occurred. But I started to notice that towards the end he started to drift from me. I tried to talk to him about it but he said everything was ok. Finally its time for me to go and I'm back home and well guess what I am pregnant. Not only with one baby but two. I wwas excited but he was not as happy as he was before when we talked about making this a reality. Well he told me that he told his mother nad family and that they were all shocked. But still something was not right I just felt it. Well two weeks ago I received the most shocking text from him and it still hurts. He told me to leave him the hell alone and to seek professional help . I did nothing but love him and now I am pregnant with his babies. Come to find out that he never told his family because my mother called her to tell her and she was in shock. Then told my mother that he never even mentioned me to her and she would talk to her son but that he was a grown man who needed to handle it should it be true. Then said she didn't know if it was true because he never mentioned me and hung up. I keep praying to God because I am so confussed what did I do that was just so bad? Now I'm stuck with twins that HE WANTED now look?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): I am sorry - this might seem harsh - but you are better off moving on from this guy completely...for your sake and for the sake of those children. He is never going to be the type of 'father' you had dreamed of when you made the decision to make a baby with a guy you really didn't know!I know you thought you did...but you didn't really, you both were searching for something and found the same 'gap' in each other...so you could fantasise together on the phone - where it's easier and 'safer' than real life in many ways. You had never spent any 'real' time together, never had to experience any trauma or problem together - so had never seen if you were capable of coping with stressors together as a couple (pregnancy is a pretty big stressor...and without ANY coping strategies as a couple it is no wonder he has freaked out), you hadn't integrated your families at all, you probably hadn't discussed where you would live let alone whether his values were the same/similar to yours...did you ever have a conversation about family and your ideals on how to raise children?
This guy was never 'real' - he was an actor in a fantasy you built up in your mind - and he was vulnerable too so he went along with you in all this...for a while. It's nice to dream and easy enough to have sex without protection. But now he's not wanting to 'play' anymore.
In my opinion you are better off getting real now - focus on bringing the babies into the world safely and focus on yourself...maybe get some professional support during what will be a difficult time emotionally for you (pregnancy/birth/newborn stage etc). Your sister obviously cares about you - and wants to see you happy, so she is trying to help you get the 'happy family' you so desperately are seeking...but you can't fit a square peg in a round hole - he is very unlikely to suddenly come around - and how could you really feel 'safe' with him again after he has done this to you? Maybe ask your sister to just support you as much as she can - rather than waste time chasing a guy who isn't commited to you or those babies.
I hope one day you feel in a better place yourself and can find a relationship that is based on more than this one was...maybe that guy will be the 'father' you wish for for your babies?
I am sorry if this seems hard - I just think you need to be truthful with yourself about some of the 'holes' that were in this plan from the start....this scenario isn't usual, so it's no wonder it's not going as 'smoothly' as you'd hoped.
Good luck with the babies and I hope they at least help to fill that void.
A
female
reader, Mniquee +, writes (30 November 2008):
Mniquee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the suggestions. Believe me I love my unborn babies. Funny thing happened though. my sister who has a big heart as I do is the only one who is still trying to reach out to him. He has accepted the request as far as he will not say anything to her but does read about my progress. I am one who likes closure and I just hope one day he sees the error in his ways and realize that what has happened will never allow us to be together but atleast be there for his children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): Well, this is a really sad story - I am sorry things have turned out so differently to what you had hoped. I don't really think there is much you can do other than try to accept that you are going to be a single mum - which isn't what you'd imagined I know.
I know you probably don't want to hear it - but what you have described seems pretty clear - the guy isn't going to come and play happy families with you. He will be legally responsible for the twins - so you should consider getting some legal advice re. child support.
I know a couple of people who have done similar things, wanted the 'happy family' so bad they didn't make the most sensible decisions....they now have beautiful children and wouldn't change that for a moment - but they have had some hard times too.
Try to focus on the future - and the gorgeous babies that will bring so much joy to your life - forget the guy - he is obviously not the man for you!
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A
male
reader, Bobert H.  +, writes (30 November 2008):
My best advice is to continue on with your excitement on having twins! Although not religious myself, children are a blessing and are a demonstration of God's and nature's finest work, and should never be viewed as something to be "stuck with", ever! :)
I realize that this cannot simply be done while ignoring what has happened. I'm not sure if you will ever know what happened or why it did, but I do know that any man who would take those actions would be unsuited to father your children, and you would not want to contact him again.
From what I have read, I believe that the problem lies within him, and you have done nothing wrong, apart from one thing. Personally, in the future, I would avoid making any kind of commitment of that magnitude without first meeting in person. The internet and telephones have an amazing ability to mask a person's true self, that cannot be fully understood without the conscious and subconscious ability to read people's faces and body language.
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