A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My family intrudes too much in my life. They want to control me, they play the victim, give me silent treatments, guilt trip me, then buy me food and clothes, so that they can say I'm being ungrateful.I still can't afford to move out, I'm a college student.It's not that I don't want to argue, I just KNOW it won't change a thing. My family is stressing me out to a point where I can't stop feeling like crying all the time. If someone fights with me, I literally listen and can't get myself to answer them, even if their arguments are totally ridiculous. I don't know, I guess I just wasn't raised to stand up for myself.Obviously, I talk to my boyfriend to vent. However, sometimes he makes things worse. He tries to help me, but sometimes gets angry at me for not wanting to argue with my family. When I tell him about the fights, he doesn't understand why I don't answer them. He tries to give me advice, but eventually gets mad because I just don't do anything about my situation (which I can understand). When I talk to friends, they tell me they just can't understand why i put up with that.I'd like to be able to stand up for myself, but I am too scared!How can I change my ways and be braver? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I'm not sure of your exact age. You indicate 18-21. If you're living at home; unfortunately, you are under the same roof as the people that antagonize you. That including the fact that you are timid by nature, and have not matured to the point that you feel comfortable standing up for yourself.You are now reaching that stage where you are beginning to feel stifled. You don't know how to be assertive, and your dependency as a student makes it difficult for you to feel you have a right to resist their intrusions. You need to find yourself some good friends for moral support. Not a shoulder to cry on, dear.If you require financial assistance from your parents, you essentially give them parental rights under their roof. If your family is just dysfunctional and mean to you, then you'll need to find yourself a safe-haven. You may need to obtain student loan assistance to help pay some of your educational costs, to minimize your financial dependency. If you qualify.May I suggest that you check around your university for self-help groups. There are young women's organizations that may help you to find financial independence, or even a mentor. Until you find financial independence, everyone else will rub your nose in the fact that they help you; and expect to maintain power over you.Being a college student, you will have to realize that you must prepare yourself to live in this world alone. That will require you to be able to stand up for yourself. There must be one strong female-figure close to you that will help you to develop your self-esteem; and by example, show you how to handle family bullying. Not really knowing the details of your family dynamic, I can only speculate that you are feeling that you somehow have to allow people who help you to abuse and manipulate you. That isn't the true.Your priority at this point is to find some limited financial independence by getting yourself a job. Once you have a means to support yourself, that is one step from finding your own place to live. You may need roommates; but there is no way to escape drama. That's a part of life. You'll just have to learn to overcome a few obstacles and not give up so easily. There is no one out there who can fight your personal battles. That's what we learn as we mature.Your education will give you confidence; however, you must teach yourself how to defend yourself emotionally. Stop cowering under the least bit of intimidation. Don't allow people to disrespect you. Get a job and try to save your money to get out of there. Your family may never change, so you'll have to change yourself. You have to prepare to survive life. You have to let your parents know how you feel, even if you think they aren't listening.You also have to tell them you can't take the abuse anymore. Hold back the tears and stop giving them the power to break your spirit. That's how they pound you into submission. Always reminding you how much you still need them.Until you can remove yourself from the den of horrors, you'll have to deal with their bullying. At some point you will have enough of all the crap, and you will even surprise yourself. Just believe in yourself. You can push back. I'm not suggesting that you be disrespectful to your parents. Not at all.Tell yourself over and over: "I've had enough and I'm not letting them push me around anymore." Fight back the tears and carry an air of self-confidence. If you belong to a church or have a spiritual side, seek help through your ministry. If not, just read all the books you can on building self-confidence and assertiveness. Empower yourself! They aren't letting go, and see you growing up. They know how to push your buttons. Stop falling apart so darn easily. If you rely on them, you give them power. When you learn to rely on yourself, you'll empower yourself. You are no longer their little girl, you are a young woman now.Stop being a kitten and become a lioness. Maybe you already intimidate them, because you are seeking higher education. At some point they know you will not need them anymore.Consider that. For now, they hold the purse-strings.If you have to, find yourself a supportive and loving family member willing to take you in. Work and save your money, and avoid confrontations with your family. Show them how tough you are. Don't worry, you will mature and develop strength over time. You are under the pressures of school and afraid to rock the boat. Someday you'll look back on this. You'll realize you can conquer these obstacles, and you'll be all the stronger. For now, you're still their kid daughter living at home.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Just live in the quiet secure knowledge that 'this too shall pass, like the song says."What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... You are still very young. In a year or two(or more,whatever) you will be free to mess things up if you want or, look back and laugh your head off. I would suspect an intelligent young woman such as yourself is keeping a private journal somewhere. When the time is right you will be able to retaliate if that's how you feel or just plain old get even. But in the meantime keep your head down and remove yourself from conflict as much as possible. Seek inner peace. it is your true security and salvation to know you will not be in this situation forever. Like I've always heard,"Smile, it confuses your friends and scares the hell outa your foes."
...............................
|
