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age
51-59,
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writes: Am I reacting unreasonably in struggling to trust my partner?I became engaged to a man I had been dating for 6 months just over a year ago. In all honesty he is the type of man I have avoided all my life. In my eyes he is a womaniser and opportunist. However, I fell for him, and he is, in many respects now my best friend, we love being together and have many of the same interests, and I have never felt more loved, cared for and needed. He spends all his time and energy on pleasing my adult children and myself as well as all (literally) his money. He constantly tells me how much he loves and needs me, and I 100% believe it.The down side. Three months after a romantic proposal on top of Eiffel Tower, Valentines Day, he had to go away for a few days on a work trip. All appeared well, until weeks later, when he was acting very suspiciously with his mobile phone. I ignored it until he put his phone face down on the bedside cabinet, although I could see it flashing with text messages. When I queried why he wasn't answering any of them he said they were just from his boss. Everything he then did made it look as though he was lying. I picked up his phone...and asked him very civilly to explain to me what was going on..giving him the opportunity of keeping his dignity (and me mine) by explaining rather than me snooping. He asked me to give him his phone back and explained that it was an outside dodgy deal he was making with a friend that would damage his current employers business and it was best I didn't know as we are friends with his boss. He could clearly see my shock and disbelief, and took my hands, asked me to look deep into his eyes, and swore on my life, his life, our childrens lives and our love and future marriage that he was telling the truth. Against my better judgement I handed his phone back to him. He would not discuss anymore, because it was very stressful for him and he feigned sleep.I could not sleep, I was very worried, rightly or wrongly I telephoned this friend, who had no idea what I was talking about. My partner does not know that I called his friend. I was so distressed I went for a walk for 3 hours and sat awake pondering all night, trying to work out what may be the truth and concluding that he must have told the truth as he swore on all that was precious to him..and that he must have given the name of a different friend for protection.The following day he stayed in bed until lunchtime, came sheepishly downstairs and told me that he had met a waitress while away on that work trip but nothing had happened except lots of banter in the restaurant,and subsequent texts and phone calls. I asked to look at the texts to confirm his story, he hurriedly deleted them. He then showed me a text message he was sending her to say he was sorry to have mislead her, that he had a fiancé who he loved, and that I had found out.I was devastated. Not only because of his cheating (although to what degree ...I only have his word for!) and because of the "look into my eyes ..I swear I'm telling you the truth babe" which he evidently wasnt.This was a year ago. We have tried to come through it. He was full of regret. When he met me he was going through a divorce, his wife had left him for another man. My partner was furious and his antagonism knew no bounds, it was extreme, despite the fact that he had continually cheated on his wife for 26 years and saw work trips as his play away time. He lied continually, and jokes about his ability to deceive, and "tell birds what they want to hear and they just believe it."He is also obsessed about watching programmes all about cheating...Two and a half men, films on adultery almost every night. His mobile phone is full of pictures of topless women. He likes cheerleader types and "tarts"...especially teenage girls. He reads The Sun newspaper and continually states that 'Dear Diedre says its alright to look but not touch." He eyes up other woman all the time, helps pretty women, and disregards anyone he "wouldn't shag", although he says all this is a "joke" and denies being sexist.He has few friends, likes mixing with teenagers and very young adults, he drinks 10+ units a day, smokes heavily, and has had a heart attack 7 years ago. He is a 55 year old sales man, with 2 adult children who will have nothing to with him because of his previous outrageous behaviour. I am a 45 year old nurse consultant with daughters aged 20 and 18, who he treats as his own.Just to redress the balance...he goes way beyond the point of being loving, caring generous to my family.To redress the trust issue which he says mortifies him, he says he has no secrets, I can if I chose look through his phone anytime (I have never done this).And now, he has announced that he is going on a work trip to the place where he met the waitress. He had promised months ago that he would take me if he needed to go again, but now says I cant go as he has to go with his boss (true - his boss is going) and although he has known about it for months, I only found out about it yesterday and he leaves on Friday. I am very upset that he has kept it from me and of course disappointed that I cannot go. He said he couldn't bring himself to tell me, so has withheld this truth from me for months.So not a lie, just withholding information.Possibly not a full on affair a year ago...but just texting, chatting (but with a view to what?). I am seriously considering cancelling our wedding, however I don't think he will cope with this well, he clings to me as I am the only constant in his life, and he adores me. Perhaps I'll tell him that we should post pone it to see if trust issues can be sorted out.But am I being unreasonable..and overeacting?
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affair, best friend, divorce, engaged, money, smokes, text, wedding, womaniser Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding, all of which helped. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent woman but have lost confidence in my judgement.
I should not be getting married if I have doubts, my wedding is booked for next May, so am putting all plans on hold.
I think the difficulty for me has been that I have no proof of the extent of his cheating and he is mortified with remorse, he says it was only flirty texting and I believe him. He can be like two different people; no-one doubts his love and commitment to me and my girls but no-one would trust him futther than they could through him either! The thought of us breaking him up sends him into deep depression and panic. He is naturally flirty. My fiance declares his love me for me openly,and gets frustrated that his texting a year ago still has such a detrimental effect on us a year on. I may be being naive, but he has a lot to lose my cheating. He is a true hedonist, living for the day and not healthily. I am much more frugal, keep healthy, look after my finances, considered attractive but most importantly I am well liked because I am a good person, and thats what I will continue to be. I know I am good for him and he knows it too.
I don't know if it can last. If he starts putting himself in situations of temptation...I think my lack of trust will be more than I can bear.
Thank you for offering your opinions, my doubts dont feel so unreasonable after all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): Oh dear, reading your post I think you really have to call a halt with this man. I see nothing but heartache ahead. Of course, he wants to be with you, you are the loving constant presence in his life. But you will be constantly worrying what he is up to. Why are you with him? - you describe a man with many negative traits and few good ones. Postpone the wedding, don't tie yourself to someone who is so unreliable. Ultimately, you want to be happy, that's the bottom line after all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 we define cheating as anything you can't won't or don't tell your partner.
you know he's cheating. his message to the young lady from his trip "sorry to have mislead you" indicates to me that there was way more than sexy chat... he made promises he could never keep and you busted him.
him being generous with 100% of his money is NOT a good sign and not a reason to stay with him.
I am a lousy mother... I have done horrid things in the name of parenting and my grown children still speak to me.
the fact that his children want nothing to do with him is very telling
I would rather see you alone than with a man you do not trust.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 No you are not over reacting at all. There are red flag warnings all over this. He spent his marriage cheating and lying, to a point where his own children don't even want anything to do with him and worse he done it to you as well. I really doubt that this man is going to change, it is who he is and you have a choice either to live with it or not. It sounds to me like you want to believe the best in him, for your own happiness as much as his but the thing is are you really happy? Do you really think you can trust him deep down? I don't think you can I think you will always have doubts and even though he treats you and your children really well are you sure this is enough? Are you willing to marry a man who is willing to cheat on you and then lie? He also swore and everything that was dear to him, yet he was lying, that should tell you what you need to know. Good luck with what you decide to do.
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