A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.This may become a bit longer post, I am sorry for this. Help is needed because I'm 26, and I must start to figure out what I'm gonna do with my personal life If I am to do anything at all.Excuse my bad english.Five years ago I had a client of mine - A beutiful blonde, so fit and charming that I instantly fell for her. We started going out but there was a problem. The girl is married and has a kid. She lives with her husband. But we both were so much in love that I really didn't care about this, and she told me that she does not engage in any sex activities with him since we started going out. On our sixth month together she told me that she loves me and that made the happiest man in the world. I was like flying. We had plans for her to leave her husband and move to her own apartment (she owns one five minutes away from where I live). Eventually I was about to live in my own, so the idea was for us to live together after that.She was madly affectionate, she would kiss me all the time, we were always laughting and smiling when we spend time together, we would hug and act like crazy and she was always giving me the "sexy time" looks.She was watching the moon on her terrace and texting me.I was doing the same all the time, it was great. As time went by, we were together for almost two years and suddenly she got scared of how the kid will react to her divorce and backed off - She made it clear she is not getting out of the house.around 2 years ago she had a rough period at her job, with things going not good at all that depressed her. Since then I have always been with her, trying to support her and waiting for her to get better. I kept on being affectionate as always, loving as always, but in return she was getting more and more passive. I've talked to her about it but she always says there's nothing wrong and it's just she is tired , and/or having problems at work. She would rarely take the initative to kiss me, she almost never hugs me. Sad for me but I can't remember the last time when she told me that she loves me. If I want to hear that from her, I should say it, and she would reply "I love you too". I decided to become even more affectionate in order to provoke her. Didn't work. Then I though I will just back off a little bit to give her space, and let her choose when affection is shown or not, as I though I don't wanna press on her. Most of the time, if not all the time, nothing would happen. As we meet only for a 30-40 minutes for a drink after work I expect her to be happy to see me, to want to kiss me etc. But it just never happens anymore. I even experimented. I stayed there a few times, next to her , without touching or kissing her, just talking like we usually do. She would just stay there and would not attempt to make any contact with me. It was her birthday last week. And it seems that depressed her abit. I wanted to be with her on that day but she was in such a bad mood that she went at her mom and then went back home.I already knew what the answer would be If I asked, so we didn't meet.The following week her bad mood continued and I though I must support her and be there for her. As she has been working with fragrances (parfumes) in the past, I know she really loves them and has her own style. I went to a shop and took the chance to either make her really happy by buying the right fragrance, or really dissapoint her if I miss:) Now I'm not too much about parfumes, but I chose something she totally adored. With the most beautiful rose I have ever bought I gave her the gift and that made her really happy. I can't remember the last time something I did made her smile like that. So I was really glad. But her bad mood continued. 2 days later, on friday 22nd, it was 5 years since we started going out, so the day before I was determined to surprise her with a nice dinner, wine, make her feel desired and loved. Unfortunately for me, thrusday afternoon she texted me we are not going to meet the next day, because the kid wants to go to a bithday party and she will have to take the kid there.I got really upset, as I though that it could be atleast a single day in the year when, in the event that it is not something really important with the kid, she could just find a way to be with me. Strangly, I am one of those men who care for dates and I am really santimental. Anyway, I dropped the reservations and the stuff I was arranging for us, and decided that in the depressed moment she is in, because of her birthday, I am not supposed to upset her more by arguing on her decision. So I said it was OK. I should mention another thing here, which bothers me. For the whole 5 years she had not been able to spend a single weekend with me, nor have she ever spent more than a saturday with me. When I've talked to her about it and how rediculuos it sounds, she says that she has to pay more attention to the kid and that is the reason.Anyway, reaching the end of the story: On saturday she came by at my place. The last time that we spent a whole day together was a month ago, and I was really expecting her to be happy we'll be together.When she came, her first words were "I'm so sleepy" and she layed on the couch. She gave me a "friendship" kiss, a fast one, no passion or desire etc.I was really upset why would she be so sleepy and not willing to kiss or hug me.I dressed up and went to get her a coffee, as I had none at my place. When I came back she was dressed with a sexy dress that I bought her and parfumed with the fragrance I bought her.I recon I did not react very upbeat on this, as she was expecting me to say something like "You are so hot" when I said "ohhh, that dress!" and started kissing her legs. It turned me on. I am now not really sure was my reaction that bad, but last just say that whatever it was, it happen to be not what she expected.We had some sexy time, and she just fell asleep after that. I tried to get next to her, in order to hug her while she is sleeping, but she was at the end of the couch and I couldn't fit there next to her, so I asked her to go to the bedroom. No answer. She fell asleep and I got really upset and bored. I was playing with her feet, touching her. At some point of this lack of affection I got really frustrated and opened the laptop. She then got angry, saying that the whole day I have been either playing on my laptop or looking at my smartphone etc. I said "Babe, I want to hug you but you don't seem to want it. I twice asked you to go to the bedroom and besides, you've been sleeping the whole day??" She argued that I could atleast lay next to her, hug her and tell er that I love her. When I really tried to lay next to her, but as I already said, I couldn't fit. And she didn't wanna hear my explanation,she said that I'd better shut my mouth sometimes as she don't wanna listen.She basically dressed up, opened the door, left and smacked the door behind her.I guess I was way too frustrated, so some tears came to my eyes. I sipped a beer and starred at the wall.Later that day she called me to ask me if I am sure that I have nothing to say. I then, with the most good intention explained what provoked the situation and why I don't think that she had to jump like that on me, and leave like that when I obviously want to talk. She said that she then has nothing more to say to me and hang up.This happened 4 days ago. I haven't heard of her since, and I am now trying to get over my frustration to clear things out for me.Should I countinue with all this? I realise she wants me to just say im sorry and etc., but for how long can we go like that? When I know how affectionate she was once upon a time, how I would never have the reason to act in a way that would dissapoint her like that, and how moody and bored she seems when I am around now... This wears me alot. It makes me uncertain about so many things, and most of all, it seems that this is not going to change, and she, on the other hand doesn't seem to want to work this out, even though she knows how important for me is to see that what I do matters.Another things is the fact, that in a normal relationship, where people live together and get sick of each other at some point, this may sound normal. But we, on the other hand, spend so much less time together than normal couples, that I just fail to understand why can't we be like we used to be. This adds up to the fact, that 5 years later we don't talk about us anymore. Nor about our future, if there is any. Right or wrong, whatever I had in my sleeve, hidden ace for the moments when things are not okay, is all gone now and I really feel I don't have any freaking idea how to change things and wat else could I do.I must end this story with that I have never ever though it was possible to love a woman in such a way, where all your understanding of what is normal and acceptable alters totally in order to be with that person, and to fit in their situation.Do you think I should fight on for this, or should I end the relationship?Once again, thanks, and your help would be greatly appreciated!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): I read your post and I am sad for you. You lost 5 years of ur life...she had/has everything..husband..child...family..what do u have now?? nothing.
Please move on. Stop/avoid any contact with that woman. U were her entertainment...of course after 5 years the fun is over.
U deserve much more than this. U dont deserve be the second plate...U dont deserve to be the plan B...
5 years is enough time for her to take a decision..she didnt make any changes...what u r waiting for? another 5 years??
In this moment be selfish and think more about YOURSELF.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): Thank you, girls.
I think the same way but I wanted to hear that from a woman.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 I think you should end the relationship. IF after 5 years of this she is not leaving her husband you are just sloppy seconds… is this how you want to spend your life, getting her in bits and pieces when she has the time?
I met a man. I was married. I had to make a choice. Within 6 months of meeting him and starting our relationship, my marriage ended. She’s dragging this out over and over. She has no intention of leaving her marriage.
Is this how you want to live your whole life?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Her not getting out of the house means no relationship for you. She is waiting for you to break up with her. She is dependent on her husband and that's why she did not divorce him. If she leaves him she can't be sure that it will work out with you. It can't be what it used to be because living a double life is exhausting for her. The secrets, lies and guilt are eating her up. She understands that an affair needs committment and effort just like a marriage for it to continue. It is an affair but still you have a 5 year history together. I don't think you will find it easy to just walk away and block her phone calls. At least you should say it's hard to see her suffer like this and that she needs a resolution to either divorce or to devote herself in the marriage. You mentioned she owns an apartment which means she has some money. I can't tell how independent she is but after 5 years she is still with her husband it means she has some love for him, and not just staying with him because he is a father. It is not fair to use children as an excuse not to divorce. People do it everyday in the world and they move on to live happier and more fulfilling lives.
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