A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 29 year old woman, and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years now. My problem is, he can't tell me when he sees us getting married or having children. Each time I have asked him, he says things like 'I don't know', 'not any time soon' or 'I've not given it much thought'. He tells me he definitely thinks he will marry me and have kids with me one day, but we're over 5 years in and I'm starting to wonder if he'll ever be able to tell me when 'one day' will be.I ideally would like to have children in the next 4 or 5 years, and I've told him that, but I'm worried that I'll wait around for another few years and he still won't know. My mum tells me he should be sure by now and if he's stalling with no real timeframe in mind then he's never going to be sure. He is 2 years younger than me and seems to think we have all the time in the world. I don't want to keep bringing it up and put him under pressure (I've broached the topic 4 times in total since we've been together so I don't go on about it a lot), but I'm becoming more and more worried that he's just not serious about me. You know how you hear of these people who stall for years then they go on to marry the next person within 6 months of being with them?What do you think? I just want to know we are on the same page and want the same things. Should he know by now or should I be more patient? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): 'Men deserve equal rights as women to control their own lives and that includes getting married when they want'
Absolutely true, but it's also common decency to let your partner know when that might be. This guy won't even discuss it after 5 years, knowing full well that her time is running out. He might be getting everything he wants at this time in his life, but she's not and if he loved her at all he wouldn't let that time slowly run out for her with no set plans. He's not obligated to marry her at all, but he is obligated to inform her if that's not an option so she's free to find someone else who does want those things.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): Women do have a limited time for babies. But women's desire for a husband does not entitle them to one. Men deserve equal rights as women to control their own lives and that includes getting married when they want. Women would never choose to give up that right today. But many women have the attitude that a man is only allowed that until it starts to interfere with his GF's plans. Then suddenly it becomes the 1800s again and men are morally obligated to marry a woman if she is living with him. If marriage and divorce was such a great deal for men, then why does it keep getting harder to get men to do it? We get screwed by the legal system so badly in a divorce that lately even women are starting to take up the cause, lobbying for the fairer changes men have wanted for decades. What changed is that women are getting wealthier, and are finally starting to find themselves on the losing end of laws that have always been hurting men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): I agree with peppe.Ask what the hold up is. Finances? Studies need to he completed? Is he starting a business? Ask what the hold up is so that you understand where you stand. If it's still a vague 'I don't know' 'someday' Then maybe it's really not on his radar. Do you live together? How is the relationship? Does he rush home to you after work and do you still have that spark? Are you both 'settled' and mature - no going out getting absolutely drunk several times a week? Where are his friends in life? Are you still need they all single? Does he have pressure not to get whipped? Are they married and he just personally doesn't want to marry you? Either way, you need to decide how long you're giving him to think about marriage. Say 2 months for example. If he doesn't know why he doesn't want to do it or when he will be ready then don't waste your time. The older you get the smaller the dating pool. There are lots of divorcees ofcourse but that usually means less income for the two of you as a couple and step children drama to contend with. Don't stick around getting resentful, it will be bitter for you both. You know what you want. Tell him what you want and when you want it. Ask him what he wants and when he wants it. If he doesn't know give him a few weeks to reflect. He already knows all there is to know about you so he doesn't need months to figure out what he wants. He has all the information he needs about himself about you and about the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 December 2014):
 Then YOU need to take the initiative and say to him:
"Hunchy-bunchy, I thought that there was a chance that we might ever become a permanent item... and get married... and have a family.... but you've made it obvious that THAT is not anything like how YOU envision YOUR future.... so let's conclude that you and I aren't going in the same direction.... and let's go our separate ways... OK????"
THAT should have the effect of either:
1. Startling him in to understanding that YOU are going to dump his sorry a$$ (in which case you're still stuck - and possibly married to - a guy who doesn't really want to be married), OR,
2. He gets starled... but has no idea how to handle things, after you've revealed such an independent streak... BUT you have the opportunity to slam the door on this "non-relationship"... and DO SO....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): The person who says they resent people's attitudes about young men like this obviously is not realising that women have LIMITED time in which to have babies. Therefore staying with a woman and saying maybe one day is indeed stringing her along
An 'marriage is a bigger risk for men ' hahha that's the funniest thing I've heard
Women STILL do the lion share of child are and housework even whilst holding down paid jobs as well
Women have to contend with porn and men who don't believe in saving sexual energy for their marriage
Studies consistently show that wen who divorce end up financially worse than men
A bigger risk for men ... I do to think so
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2014):
 I would sit him down and talk about your time line. When do YOU see yourself being married and having kids. Then EXPRESS to him why it bothers you that he doesn't seem to want that with you.
One thing though. My brother and sister-in-law dated from the time she was 17, had kids 10 years later and didn't get married til the kids asked them why they weren't married - that was 20 YEARS after they got together. It works for them.
My best two friend (male/female) dated for 5 years. Broke up, spend a year apart and married 2 years later. they have been married 22 years now. They broke up because HE wanted marriage, SHE didn't. I guess in their time apart they BOTH decided that they wanted to BE with each other.
I think having a time line is OK, doesn't always mean that EVERYONE around you are on the same time line. So talk, find out what holds him back and what he thinks. HE doesn't have to think of the biology aspect here, BUT you do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): I agree it's not a good sign for his willingness to ever marry & have kids any time soon. He may want to marry you a bit later or he may not. It could go either way.
But I resent people's negative attitudes for men in your BF's shoes. When young women aren't ready to marry their willing partner after a few years people don't make the same kind of bad comments about her character. She is not called irresponsible, or stringing her partner along, failing to "do right by him" etc. And these days marriage is a far worse risk for men than women.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (9 December 2014):
 It sounds like he has no interest in marriage or having children. If he doesn't know by now, he probably never will.
I thinks it's time to move on and find someone who has the same life goals as you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): I think it's time for a serious talk. You have every right to know- you should have a ring at least by now, 5 years is a long time. Tell him you need to know now and then if he won't give you and answer take a break and let him know what he is missing. Imo he should know by now and is answers sound like evasion tactics to me. Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): Your mum is right. My brother was going out with a woman for 11 years, only for her to decide she didnt want marriage. My brother did, so they eventually broke up. Now he is 35 and alone. Dont make that mistake
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): Hi Hun, speaking as a woman who had four children by your age I will tell you what I would tell my own daughter
If you have feelings for him, ok , no need go completely walk away ! But honey he is being inconsiderate at best and downright thieving your time at worst
Tell him very nicely that you understand his choices however, he must understand that as a woman , biological reasons mean you can't just sit around waiting for ' someday' therefor you will start dating others to see if there is potentially a better match for you ir a man who is ready to settle and wants a family and commitment
Of course , he is free to do the same . If he walks he walks , it's no great loss but at least you can move on and have the life you want and deserve
Best wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): [EDIT]: " He's just stringing you alone"
Correction: "He's just stringing you along."
Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): The guy's pretty comfortable with the way things are. He has everything now he'd get if you were married; only he can breakup and walkout without the expense and drama of a divorce. You're the one with a time-table and goal for marriage. He's just stringing you alone; maybe because you're a great girlfriend, but not exactly what he's looking for in a wife. He's younger, so settling down may be far in the distant future in his mind.
You've been too patient for five years. Your mother's advice is right on point. Listen to her.
A man who doesn't know when he plans to settle down, doesn't plan on doing it anytime soon. You're the one who initiates the conversation, and he just brushes you off.
My guess, he'll get married someday. But it may not be to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): Thats the difference between guys and girls: 27 is still too young for them to marry, but 29 for you its a little clock ticking.
I think your mom is right. By now he needs to be sure that it's you he wants.
He doesn't even want to discuss it which is a bad sign. Are you ready to see if there is another fish in a sea? If yes, go for it. There is a danger of him leaving and marry someone else, much younger than you
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