A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ex boyfriend agreed to give it a try. Is there any hope?We are in our ealy 30s, both divorced once, dated seriously for 14 months. We broke up on Labor day. He said he loves and cares about me very much, but he's not in love with me. After breaking up, I started seeing a therapist and discovered that I have many unsolved issues from my last marriage. I was constantly struggling inside because I was so confused if what I did with my boyfriend was healthy or not. Plus our relationship progressed too fast that we moved in together only after 2 months of serious dating. We had to deal with the new living situation in a new city (new to both of us), financial situation, new schedule, etc, it took the fun out of dating and getting to know each other more. Of course we butt-headed quite a bit, along with my unsolved issues that I was trying to process in my head, which then took a toll on our relationship. It's such a shame. Because i believe that there's so much potential in us. We both want the same things in our lives, share the same core values about a lot of things, and so on. So I talked to him last night, face to face, calmly. And I told him about my therapy and the books that my therapist suggested to read. I told him how I feel about our relationship and what I think that went wrong. I asked if he would read the book with me and consider to give us one last chance after we are equipped the right tools to solve the conflicts, and me going through therapy. I promised him that this time will definitely be worth it and that he will see a better me, and that I will proof to him that he chose the right person. He agreed to read the book and give us another try. We will have to take a step back, and start from just dating (no living together, sharing finances and stuff). After the talk, I texted him to tell him that I thanked him for listening to me. He texted back and said "I can't guarantee anything, but I am willing to try." I am still very sad that we are not as close as we used to be. I love him so much and I believe he's the one for me. I know it's going to take some time to gain his trust back (trust that I still possess those good qualities that he fell in love with me for). Should I be hopeful? What should I or shouldn't I do from this point? I really don't want to screw up again.
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broke up, divorce, fell in love, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Sorry, just saw your followup, it didn't show that you had posted a new answer in my "followups" page.
I would say that you are over thinking things right now. You are worrying about things that may or may not happen. You are trying to live in the future. You can't live there, that is just your mind creating anxiety for you.
Start observing your mind obsess on these questions. Have you ever heard the term "monkey mind"? I think you are aren't being present in the moment, in the now.
Today, right now, right this moment, the past is behind you, you can't change what has happened. Tomorrow is not here, worrying about what may happen is a waste of time, because it hasn't happened yet.
Read the first Eckhart Tolle book, I found it easiest to do that as an audiobook as I went on about my chores and errands. Great for a long drive too, if you have one.
Learn some meditation techniques; that's a very grounding and focusing practice.
PM me in a few days when you have started the book and after practicing being in the moment.
Best wishes!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I will continue with my therapy. I thank him for wanting to try with me. But i am not sure if he will be open-minded towards the restart. I wanted to ask if he will be but i think that will put too much pressure on him. At this point, lingering on wheather he will have his feelings back for me is very painful. I am thinking if i should try to let go the past and work on to becoming a better me will actually help my to rebuild the relationship with him. Any advice please?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 September 2012):
Well, on the good side, he agreed to try, right? So that's a start in the right direction.
I think it's actually a good thing that he is being honest about his feelings and his intentions. He's not making promises he can't keep but he's going to try to work on it with you.
I have a suggestion for you: try to take this one step at a time. Don't overthink it, don't assume things, don't get out ahead of yourself.
You are starting from scratch. No one knows what the future holds. Take things one day at a time.
I have some very worthwhile books on my profile, I have a feeling you may find them useful as well as you start anew.
Today, you are starting fresh. You have only this moment; the past is gone and cannot be altered, the future is not here, and you cannot live in the future either. You live in the now. Experience this moment, be present in this moment and move through your day, staying present.
If you start to feel depressed, you are living in the past. If you start to feel anxious, you are living in the future. Now is where the joy of living resides. Here, now in this moment. Experience it.
Don't think too much, that's my honest and heart-felt advice. Be present, be aware and your life will unfold in new and wonderful ways. Even doing the most mundane things will be special...okay? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): I for one believe in seconds depending upon the circumstances. The two of you moved way too fast. Start out very slowly. He did give you an honest answer. But he also said he is willing to try. So don't out all your eggs in one basket. By that I mean, don't stop you're social life with friends and associates. Always give yourself some alone time. Don't devote every waking minute to him. Make sure it you have some issues that come up, speak about them rationally. Always make sure that the two of you are on the same page. Don't assume anything. I hope this helps. Good luck.
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