A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I feel a lot of people may think when reading this that i should be over it by now and i think i should but it is very hard .Around 8 years ago i got talking to someone at college and began to like him , alot of things went on between us , but the things that went on are not relevant to the advice im wanting . The vast majority of things were silly and childish but i think that has contributed to me feeling how i do when i see him . We have in some ways made amends but certainly not in the way i would like and around a month ago i thought this time we really had made amends but it didnt turn out to be that way. again this bit is not relevant to the advice im wanting which i hope you understand as you read further on .We stopped talking but since then he his in my life in the fact i have to see him at the bus stop as he lives near me . some times i may see him like 3 times in a week and then not see him for a month or so . its a cycle of hurt and sadness when i see him , ill see him feel like crying and then eventually these go away until i see him again and the emotions then repeat im trying to break this cycle of how i feel , from going from sadness to i guess just acceptance .i dont like him as much as i used to and i woudnt say i have feelings for him as such its more of a case i havent liked anyone since him and we have spoken to each other off and on for the past 8 years and the fact i have to see him makes things harder .some people may think well its been 8 years ago , move on girl , get over it and i certainly dont blame people for that . again i have moved on in the sense i think my feelings for him have changed into just wanting to be civil with one and other as oppposed to attraction.having to see him is hard as i all i want to do is smile or say hello but that will never happen . im nothing to him but i always wished he was someone to me. everytime i walk past where he lives i hate the fact i could potentially see him and i hate this as it reminds me of when we were freinds and bad things that went on and just wanting to talk and when someone doesnt want to talk back it hurts but you just got to accept this .i think the thoughts and feelings for him havent fully gone away as a few years he got a job opposite me and then became freinds with my friend and has lived near me for the past 3 years so that has not helped in how he is sometimes on my mind and how he never seems to be fully out of my life .im not wanting advice on how to stop liking him or moving on im just wanting advice on coping mechanisms when i have to see him at the bus stop and see him in general .i often think just walk to another bus stop but then im escaping and then id just end up seeing him on the bus or even getting a stress ball but i doubt this would help . seeing him at the bus stop is horrible as it hurts so much when someone doesnt care about you or just is not interested in chatting and especially as sometimes i may be near him for 10 minutes or so .we definitely wont be chatting again as last time i tried he was just ignoring me , not fully sure why , and i got hurt at this and kicked his bag ,i know very silly . he has blocked me on fb which is good anyways . all i wanted to do was say to him and ask are we ok now , but he was just completely ignoring me .since this it is obvious he does not want me to make conversation with him .im over him again in the aspect that ive just accepted because of the past that we are never going to civil or friendly i just want to stop feeling so sad when i see him and have tried all sorts i just dont know what to do . thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2022): I don't think you are being stubborn and entitled, just holding onto the possibility of being loved, by someone who has shown their self to be unobtainable. Something has happened, years ago, and maybe more than once, to imprint into your psyche the strong idea that you are just at the point of really being loved, completely, by this person. It's that which you keep clinging to inwardly, even though logic is telling you not to.
I wonder if you've ever experienced unconditional love from a parent, or whether you did once feel loved and it was suddenly taken away from you, and part of you still craves that love back. If that is the case - and I think it could be - then it makes sense that a more mundane, ordinary, day to day love wouldn't feel right or satisfying for you because you want a very dramatic 'finally!' kind of love, so that when you do finally get it, it feels so overwhelming that you feel like a child again - safe, complete, carried by love. It's the build up - the way this guy keeps presenting the possibility of that love being given to you and then, for whatever reason, withdrawing that possibility, that is adding to your craving, adding to what feels like a very powerful love, but is actually rooted in a child-like need for something bigger, stronger, greater - to feel completely carried and enfolded in love.
This guy won't ever give you that. It's the drama, the sense of power, the 'almost', the proximity to that possibility of finally getting an overwhelming love that keeps you hooked. A more ordinary love, one that builds slowly, steadily, may even seem quite boring at the start, but is more trustworthy is what you need - but it won't feel that way to you unless you get your head around this and try and persist with finding other ways to feel loved and also to give your love. Don't focus on one person, find different ways of loving different people, and animals, and life itself. Try that for now, and a more genuine love will follow.
Ignore people who say women are stubborn. It's a very common thing that men do, especially religious men.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2022): It's difficult for you because you would prefer a clean break from him but due to his close proximity that has never happened.
Maybe you could just wear your headphones and listen to music at the bus stop!
Add a mask against covid and some sunglasses and a hat and he can't even make eye contact, let alone influence your mood.
I think you need to tell yourself that this guy is bad for you!
Whatever causes it, his overall effect is to make you feel bad about yourself and to lose a bit of your cool and do stupid things like kicking his bag.
You need to cut the puppet strings off you.
Maybe you could visualise yourself as a puppet doll that he is toying with and imagine him pulling the strings attached to your arms and legs.
Then you need to imagine a giant pair of spiritual scissors wealded by some ancient and venerable relative such as your greatgrandad.
As you visualise this, you imagine your relative cutting the strings one by one so that your arms are free and your legs are free and your mind is protected and free from this person's influence.
Just keep on listening to your music while you imagine this.
You don't have to wear the glasses and hat and mask...In fact you can wear what you like..It was mentioned only to show you how to put a barrier between him and your self.
No one should have to still feel uncomfortable 8 years later so I feel some sympathy for you.
I think part of the problem is that you are trying to do the decent thing and remain polite and courteous.
This is backfiring on you and you are coming across as arrogant and even aggressive.
It's difficult to state exactly why he is having such a bad effect on you, but you must redress the imbalance and stop trying to be civil, or polite or nice.
If you are forced to acknowledge him just nod but that isn't necessary.
Just keep trying the mind exercise above until you are totally free from his bad effect on you.
Many people get a lot of help with ways to trim their thoughts or control unwanted feelings but I suspect that you don't have a wise adult to teach you mind enhacement.
Silence is golden where this guy is concerned.
If he demands an apology for kicking his bag just say : I apologise if have offended or hurt you or your bag in any way.
This guy may enjoy your loss of control which is why I encourage you not to speak to him at all.
You have your future ahead of you.
You only want to mix with people who being out the best in you.
This guy may look nice in your opinion but the effect he has on you is not nice.
You deserve to be amongst people who make you feel good and who enhance your life.
Life will then become much easier for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 January 2022):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE
You are obsessing over a guy who isn't worth your time of day. You are obsessing because you don't like the notion of being rejected.
While I don't get the first part, I get that rejection hurts but it's not an excuse to self-sabotage and ruin your life.
Do you think all this anger and hurt is affecting anyone but you? No.
This is you CHOOSING to drink poison hoping someone else dies.
Think about that.
OK, you REALLLLLLLLY liked him back in the day, but you are now 8 (EIGHT) older and should be somewhat wiser too.
Sometimes you will not be every guy's cup of tea, sometimes a guy won't be YOUR cup of tea. Accepting that and accepting when something ends or a regular rejection should follow.
Seeing him every now and then will rip up your emotions but as a GROWN woman, you have to realize that it's part of life. Once you TRULY accept that HE is part of your past, not your future maybe you can start to move on.
For now though, you are easting your time and energy on something that will never be more than a fantasy.
Is that how you want your life to be?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022): Typo correction:
"You are bitter and [angry], not just sad; because he doesn't feel for you, what you feel towards him."
"He doesn't have the power over [your] feelings, you are convincing yourself that he has."
P.S.
Your youth is to your benefit. All you need is practice in getting-over not having your way. This is a life-lesson you can use to teach yourself how to spring-back after you've been knocked down. How to develop the resilience/determination to recover after a breakup or loss of someone you care for. To learn that you can't always have what you want; and pouting and self-torture doesn't get you your way. He's long past hurting you; your pain is now self-inflicted.
The power to move on is in your hands; when you've decided that this is it, and you're sick of it. Feeding on drama and bitterness will age you faster than anything!
You're so lucky to be young, and have so much life ahead of you; but you're stuck on this. You can learn to look at someone and not see them, or hear them. It's takes "determination" to move forward, and everybody has a supply of it. You have to decide when to use it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022): My dear, there's a bit of stubbornness and entitlement at-play here. "How dare he not want me like I want him!"..."If I can't have what I want, I'll resign myself to be bitter and angry forever!"..."I refuse to have any other relationship, because he's the one that I want!"
These are not your actual quotes; they're the presumptions that crosses someone's mind, who can't deal with rejection from somebody they want to have. They take rejection so personally, that it becomes a ball and chain for years to follow. It's self-inflicted punishment; because you can't forgive him for not wanting to be with you. You can't control his feelings or actions, and it drives you insane!
You may need to see a therapist for a little while; just to get a few things out of your system. You are bitter and anger, not just sad; because he doesn't feel for you, what you feel towards him. Infatuations turn into obsessions when people absolutely insist that they must have someone who doesn't want them back. It's unhealthy, and will consume you; depending on how much you insist on dwelling on it, and how much you dramatize or overreact to situations when you don't get your way.
It sometimes feels like somebody is telling us we're not good enough, or we are too deficient in something; or maybe unworthy of having them. They've reduced our existence and desire to be with them to nothing; because they don't want to be with us, or be our friend. That's where our pride and ego is bruised. We become resentful. The nerve! Not just you, almost all of us have been there and done that. We eventually have to grow-up and move on. Or, just hold onto it; until it implodes, or grinds us down into powder. Rendering us unloving, self-loathing, dejected, and withdrawn. Drama queens.
My dear, everyone who reads your post (myself included) can relate to how you feel. Not everyone completely gets-over someone they care about, and have lost; but you have more power over your feelings than you want to admit to. You want to place the power in his hands; and blame him for how you feel. You have become a martyr, feeling completely betrayed; because you can't accept his rejection. Have you considered moving? Carpooling with a co-worker? Purchasing your own vehicle to drive to work?
Obsessing and grieving over a lost-love, or friend, isn't unusual; but it is unhealthy when the grief won't go-away. That means you may need some professional-help, or you can go-it cold-turkey.
Make up your mind, that enough is enough; and repeatedly remind yourself that it's over, and you're done with it.
You have all the power, but refuse to use it; because you resent him for not feeling what you feel he should about you. Well, you will find this is going to happen a few times over the course of your lifetime, and you're quite young.
He doesn't have the power over feelings, you are convincing yourself that he has. You are going to hold-on to him one-way or another; even if it means pretending he's holding you hostage psychologically. Your stubborn subconscious-mind has to reconcile with the reality. That reality being, he doesn't want to be friends; and he doesn't desire you romantically. He doesn't want you in his life, and it didn't workout as you wanted it to.
Prepare yourself for the realities of life; because loss or rejection is going to happen again and again over your lifetime. It's not exclusively happening to you. That's why we have God, Jesus, ministers, doctors, therapists, friends, parents, siblings, and a host of sources of help to get over what's tough to get over.
Maybe a little counseling will help. It's well overdue. Forgive him for not feeling what you want him to feel. He can't help that. There is probably someone out there who has tried to connect with you; but you've rejected them, because you're still stuck in your infatuation and resentment.
You are in-denial, claiming you've changed how you feel. No, you haven't changed at all; because you want to continue blaming him for hurting you. He's not intentionally doing it, and can't without your continued permission. He's leaving you alone, to live your life; just as he's minding his own business, and living his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022): A few sessions of hynotherapy with a private and understanding experienced practitioner will put this to rest.
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