A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My (common-law) wife and I have been together 14 years. Although I gave her an engaement ring 12 years ago, we never actually got married. We used to say we got along too well to be married, and had the attitude that if it wasn't broken, why fix it. Over 14 years we had less than half a dozen arguments, and enjoyed a very solid relationship, that even friends and family would notice and admire. Recently, we went through some difficult times. Stress at work, some family issues, and a few arguments, (which was very new to us, as our life together had been amazing 'til that point). I don't know if her stress and dramatic change in behaviour was caused by menopause, or if her feelings, due to the stress and arguments, had changed the way she was feeling about our relationship. She hinted that she now felt like she wanted to be a "free spirit", and may make travelling out of town alone a regular occurrance, (she attributed the travelling alone to a new career she was embarking on). I have to be honest, and admit a little insecurity set in, from this, and various other signs she gave me. One night, a few weeks ago, I suggested we actually get married. I reasoned that I knew I wanted to spend my life with her, and part of me wanted that reassurance from her that I was the one she still wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She agreed with my suggestion, and we agreed to go to city hall her first day off, which was in a few days time. The day before, she came up with a (fairly lame) excuse why it couldn't be the day we chose, and she bumped it to a couple of days later, a Friday, to which I agreed. The evening before, she told me of her plans to do something completely different on the Friday we were to get married, without even mentioning our original plan. I admit feeling hurt that the girl I've been with and in in love with seemed to be just sloughing off what I had thought was a most important and special day. (We are both in our late forties and both never married before). A day later, when I mentioned being hurt that she casually postponed getting married without a word or explanation, she said she was now feeling uneasy about getting married to me. After 14 years together, and calling ourselves husband and wife, she wanted to take a giant leap backwards, and just be engaged. She wanted to be my fiance, rather than wife. What is that supposed to mean? When I asked her, she just got upset and changed the subject. What would you think if your husband or wife of many years wanted to change his or her status from "married" to engaged? Would you wonder, as I am? Would you feel unsure of their commitment, as I am tending to feel? I don't like feeling like I don't know where I stand anymore. She said she doesn't want to discuss the subject, as it is "in the past". As Steve Martin would say "Well, Excuuuuuse meee". I feel like I deserve a better explanation, especially after considering her my wife for 14 years. (I can't help wondering if this is her first step in ending the relationship completely eventually). How does one go from married for 14 years to engaged? I appreciate any reader's thouhts and opinions on this. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Thank you so much idoneitagain and janniepeg for your thoughtful responses. They definitely help me to have insight as to what the possible causes and solutions are. I don't know if you'll get a chance to read it, but i will post an update. Thank you again, you are great.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (18 April 2011):
She is starting to feel like she wants to be a bit more of a "free spirit", which leads to a little bit of insecurity on your part, which leads to you suggesting that you get married.....
One of the challenges of life is balancing the need for closeness, comformity, attachment, etc on the one hand with independance, freedom, autonomy, individuality etc on the other. Relationships are the primary way we manage these forces emotionally, and the balance sways too and fro in relationships over time.
At the moment something is making your partner uncomfortable, and she is seeking a bit more freedom, independance. That sets off your closeness alarm bells and you take steps to ensure your closeness, through a marriage proposal, but the more you try to bring her closer, the more she starts to feel like running. These are all emotional responses. She may not even be aware why she feels she needs more freedom, or what that actually means, or what the uncomfortable feeling in her life actually is. Most importantly, she isn't able to talk to you about it.
If she isn't able to talk to you about her feelings, which she might not even understand, maybe you can start with yours. Tell her how you are feeling, that you don't know where you stand, that you feel insecure, that you feel like she is taking a course which could lead to the end of the relationship. Ask her what it means to her, that she wants to be your fiance rather than your wife. If she won't tell you, tell her what it means to you.
Relationships are not defined by the problems we have, they are defined by our ability to deal with the problems that come up when they do, and the manner in which we deal with them.
How is she handling this issue. How are you?
Communication is important, as are the actions that we take. Only having half a dozen arguments in 14 years probably means one or both of you find it easier not to express the things that bother you, that your style is rather not to rock the boat in the relationship than to voice those small things that make you both uncomfortable. Over time, those small discomforts can add up, and can make you want to seek out more distance rather than stay close and have to confront the things that make you uncomfortable. It seems that this is what your wife is doing. As I have said, it is an emotional response, often unconscious, and she probably doesn't know why, or have any understanding of the forces driving her. Talking is the way for you to both understand, or should I say, make a start.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 Some people are allergic to the word marriage. The word can conjure up anything from "stuck," "sexless," "sacred union," same person day in and day out, same body same routine same voice. I've known a woman who literally vomitted about the idea of a wedding. She may be a very private, free spirited person and can't stand making anything official. I can understand where she is coming from because a lot of people get married and feel less engaged with their spouse, taking each other for granted. It could be a wise idea to be "engaged" with each other forever, rather than being married but lonely inside.
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