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mcbirdie
writes:I was in London the past two days, attending a training session in Dementia in Research. We went through the usual background--what types of dementia are out there, what the various brain scans look like, even did the usual 'funny' anecdotes about various demented patients (what can I say? You work in a field, you make the jokes--doesn't matter if you're a clown or a psychologist).For the most part, it is very much whistling past the graveyard. It is far easier to laugh at the idea of some kooky guy who can't help the action of putting on glasses--so if you hand him several pairs of glasses, he'll put them on one by one until he is wearing six pairs at one time--than to think about what that must be like and to consider the chances that it will happen to us or someone we know. Things were light enough all the way through discussing the ethics of research in this field, judging capacity for giving informed consent, even through the projected 'life span' of dementia. But you could hear a pin drop once the discussion moved on to the effects of dementia on the family, and in particular, on the patient's carer.The thing with dementia is this: everyone fears it. We are all clever, intelligent folk. We like our debates and our reading and our smarts. What could be worse to us than to contemplate losing the core of what we think makes us who we are? But for all our fear...dementia isn't, in the grand scheme of things, the worst thing that can happen to you. I know, I know...I'm not saying it's not horrible. But really, other than those first few months when the patient is most cognizant, the real suffering is on those who are around and can clearly see the deterioration.So this got me thinking about love. Most of us are on here, in some way or another, are looking for love. And other than the looking for sex partners and the like, there is the hope that we will eventually meet the longer term partner. But what are we considering when we try to figure out which fun little email exchange to take further? How good they are at conversation and the possiblity that we will be compatible in bed? Do we remember to think about long-term issues? This is what I was thinking--barring freak accidents or illnesses, I'm at least 30 years away from needing to fear being a random case of early-onset dementia. I'm probably fifty plus years away from needing to worry about more common dementia (interesting numbers for you stats fans--people in the ages of 80-84, 16% with dementia; 85+ goes up to 30%; at 95+...you're looking at 50%. And we are all looking at longer life spans), so all things considered...I don't often worry about what will happen to me in my old age.Sure, as we get older, we tend to think about "could I grow old with this person", but all things considered, we look more at...do they laugh at my jokes? Is he good in bed? Will he understand that my mother sucks, but not mock her openly? Than we are to worry about... will he be willing to stick by me if I start to lose my mind?One of the case studies we talked about in training was of a man who works in a corporate job in London who is suffering from frontal lobe damage which was causing him to lose his ability to communicate verbally. He was constantly anxious, because his wife was wholly unsupportive and unsympathetic, because he was still able to work, she didn't see what his big deal was. How do you know now that the person you are falling in love with is one who would remember to give you your meds every night and change your clothes when you wet the bed, rather than the person who will leave you as soon as you become a bit more of a bother? Or I suppose... do you even consider such things when weighing up a potential partners merits? Is it one of those things that you just...hope for the best with?I think we need to formulate some sort of new test...one which gives an indication of your stick-to-it-ivness in the face of your beloved partner losing their mind and personality. Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): Interesting thoughts mcbirdie, I sometimes find myself wondering about the same thing. No doubt you've heard about the recent announcement from The Alzheimer's Society who suggest there is a link between diet and dementia? It makes me think.
I would like to believe a life-long partner would stay in my life if I had dementia, I'd consider myself very lucky. I myself feel very confident I would stay with a partner with dementia, I don't think I could walk away from them but I realise they are very difficult times.
I'm starting to see the health decline in my parents and I know a similar fate awaits me, but in their degradation it makes me appreciate what a gift it is to have a healthy life and that we should recognise and enjoy that.
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