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*inslie
writes: Hi! I don't want to be annoying so I promise this is the last question I'll post about age gaps.I've noticed a common thread among responses on here when the younger person in the relationship is very young (late teens, like me). People say things like, "Just be careful, when you're 25 you won't be the same person you were at 17." Or "You have a lot of growing and changing ahead of you, don't get involved with someone older."Obviously this is true, with college coming up and finally entering the adult world. But is that a reason to not date someone older? I mean that seriously, I'm not trying to sound bratty. I figure, throughout life, you experience hundreds of different things. You won't be the same person at 40 that you were at 25. At 60, you'll be different than you were at 30. And I've always thought that as long as you and your partner can grow together, not apart, the relationship can remain healthy and stable despite the "changes" your personality and life experience.This is a stupid example because friendships are different than relationships I suppose, but I've been close friends with two girls since I was five years old. Obviously in the past 12 years I've changed a huge amount, but no matter what we went through or how different we've become, we remained just as close and love one another just as much. Is it impossible that the same can go for romantic relationships, when one person has already experienced all these changes?I think I may just be rambling so I'll shut up now. If you actually read all that, bravo. I hope that made sense. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): In response to your comments about dating an older man...well I'm in the same boat. Only, I'm 30 and he is 51. I broke things off with him several months ago b/c I met someone closer to my age (he's 33) and I was tired of all my friends hounding me about the age gap. Still dating the 33 year old now but really miss the closeness and all the other things that made the relationship with the older fellow so special. He always (still calls me) makes me feel like a princess and we actually connect unlike anyone I've ever known relationship wise. It is true that people change as we age but I do agree if you truly love someone that age will only refine your relationship. I'm wondering if I should just take my own advice and be with the "old man" that I really love.
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (14 September 2006):
 From the age of 5 you have probably grown 'with' those friends at the same time going through similar stages of life. That's not the same in relationships with age gaps. It doesn't matter whether the younger person is mature, they still haven't necessarily experienced a lot of the same things. There may be a situation where the compromise means the younger person is missing out on many things that the older person already did and so that can never be a shared experience.
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reader, snowbird  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 You do have a valid point, however a friendship is different to a romantic one in that it is a one-to-one, exclusive relationship with other dynamics.. you will always want the same thing from a friend, whereas in a romantic situation the boundaries change, children, sex, trust, and other issues come into it.
And age, although in itself not important, is a stage where if there is a gap, you will be wanting different things in life. Say if you committed to a guy 20 years older, he may not want to go clubbing every week, whilst you could still be hankering after holidays in Ibiza with the all-nighters; and all the other examples which we have all heard before.
You made a very significant point which encapsulates this - "As long as you and your partner can grow together, not apart, the relationship can remain healthy and stable despite the "changes" your personality and life experience."
Question asked, question answered!...(And NO, you do not seem 'brattish' in the least!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): yes, but it's a lot more complicated, it's fine to be friends with another person in addition to a particular close friend, but you can only be in a relationship with one person, so it's much harder to make it work for a long time. It's not a problem if a new friend has had other friends in the past, even if they weren't so nice or used them.
But when getting together with a new romantic partner, if they had others in the past then there are issues surrounding that, especially if they've made some mistakes.
For example and also incoorporating the age gap issue, I'm 27, seeing a girl who's 18. I love her to bits, but I get jealous, as she's already had a few sexual partners over a few years and has made some mistakes in that, sex with people she only knew a few days for example, and it's hard for me to swallow and ignore that. I was never like that, I had issues with confidence and I couldn't talk to girls for the most part and didn't have sex until I was 22.
Although we're compatible, and the age difference doesn't matter, this is and is probably the only stumbling block. It just depends on the individuals involved. We are very alike and very comfortable with eachother. There are lots of people my age who I could never feel comfortable with. So clearly there's a lot more involved with having a partner than with friends but age difference generally doesn't matter, you can make it work, especially if the individuals have lots in common and are willing to make an effort to get over stumbling blocks and concentrate on the present and future and how they can communicate.
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