A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. When I was fourteen, I had a boyfriend who was sexually abusive. He used to coerce me into doing sexual things with him, and force himself on me a lot, and manipulate me. it never went as far as having sex though. very nearly once or twice. but since then, i've sort of repressed the memory of it. but every time i go to have sex, especially with some one i care about and love, i experience this horrible pain, physical and emotional. I cant seem to get past it. its like i cant breathe, and i have to push him off. its becoming worse as time goes on. its almost like my body is expecting pain. its nearly 8 years since i went out with the guy in question and i'm still dealing with it. I've been advised to go and see a therapist but i feel bad, i feel sort of guilty because he's really changed now and has apologized for what he put me through. i just don't know how to approach this. I have never enjoyed sex. ever. and I want to. I want to have a normal sex life. any advice is much appreciated! thank you
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female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Hi,
Firstly well done for coming on here and talking about your feelings, it's a positive first step.
I find it incredibly sad that your unable to enjoy sex due to this past experience, sex with someone you truly care about is amazing and you deserve to be able to experience this.
You say you find it painful/scary when your with people you love - have you shared with them the past? If you haven't I think that would help, the pain comes from being way to tense, sharing your past may help the new people in your life understand. If they understand then they reasure you that they won't hurt you a good man will work with you on this. I would suggest you agree not to have sex the first few times, but lie on the bed together and slowly learn about each others bodies, before you tell him your boundaries, so what he can't do - this might even be not touching under your pants to begin with - important thing is for you to relax and if you know that he is not going to go beyond your boundaries your learn to trust him more, your feel more comfortable and safe.
Strongly advise you see a sex therapist, you can't spend the rest of your days experiencing pain full sex, you deserve a happy exciting sex life and this will help you achieve it!
And finally, it doesn't matter if he is sorry YOU have nothing to feel guilty about, just seeing him must be traumatic for you, he does not deserve to have this level of control over you anymore, see a therapist and learn to love your life in and out of the sheets!!
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