A
female
age
30-35,
*lla08
writes:Hey guys, so i need some help and don't know where else to go, people tell me to do all different things but i just don't know what to do!Ive been broken up from ex boyfriend almost a year ago next month. Realising it's been a year blew me away. I havent heard from him since the break up, and i just cant get him out of my head. Im constantly thinking about him and dreaming about him and i no longer want to! Apart of me thinks its because i didnt get closure from the break up, because it was a real messy one. We were together for about 10 months, and it seemed like forever, we constantly were fighting and eventually suffocated one another, it came to the point where we couldnt live without each other, but couldnt live with each other.. Everytime i walked away from him he would always come back, constantly calling, being at my house, he didnt want to let me go.. Until the night before my birthday,i was a total wreck because my friends bailed on me for my birthday, so he picked me up (out of hesitation)and he told me his fallen out of love with me, after he slept with me and had his satisfacttion, he dropped me off at home (in silence) and that was the last i ever heard from him. He emailed me about a month later because he had seen photos of me out partying and it wasnt a very nice email, but of course it was because he was mad i was out and having fun instead of being caught up with him..So now, ive moved overseas for work, i moved here about 3 months after we broke up and i cant stop thinking about him.. I dont know what to do, but its not thoughts about getting back with him, i dont want that, im happy being free and independent, but i think i just need closure, or something.. i dont know...? What we had (when it was good) was really great, but the bad eventually outweighed the good, but nonetheless, his always just there, in my thoughts, everyday... Should i email him just to see how he is? Apart of me feels he would be thinking of me too, because his tried to add all my friends on facebook, and my going away party before moving overseas, he wanted to come and say bye to me, so my friend told me.. But i refused because i didnt want anything to bring me down before moving overseas.So what do you think guys? What should i do, contact him, or wait for him to contact me? Or find a solution to get him out of my head and dreams everyday without actually contacting him!!!? Your advice will be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, Ella08 +, writes (28 May 2011):
Ella08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose this may be true.. It may be personal things i need to overcome and may have nothing to do with him at all.. I do believe in everything happens for a reason, and if were meant to cross paths one day, we will, im just trying to make sense of what im going through right now, and if there is any "reason" behind it..The funny thing is, i didnt feel like this since we broke up, its only sprung on me 4 or so months ago.. After we broke up, of course i was upset, but because he hurt me so bad, the way he just switched off so instantly. I actually loathed the site of him, it made it that much easier to move on and let go, which i did, and moving overseas couldnt have come at a better time, it was a perfect chance for me to get away from all that drama, and start a new life, Which nonetheless i have and also because i knew he couldnt pursue me. . But its not like i was looking and reminiscing over pictures of us, or listening to our songs, or anything.. He just came into my thoughts randomly, and my dreams, and now i can get him out, i dont rub salt into the wound by looking back about our relationship, i do nothing to bring any memories back, there just.. i dont know, there? And i dont know why, thats why i thought it may be because i need closure, and by saying that i meant, to make ammends, to seal the deal, and finally have this wound covered up. Ive had 2 serious boyfriends before him, and both i went through this same experience which both ended badly, but up until i saw them and spoke to them after we broke up, and with my first boyfriend it had been 2 yrs apart, and i felt great after, i no longer had this ache in my chest and these thoughts bouncing around my head about them.. So, nevertheless, maybe your right, maybe it is just me.. and it has nothing to do with him.. I havent actually dated since him, in actual fact, i dont want to date, i dont want to see or spend more time with any man more than i should.. And for some reason, i think its quiet scary, i think im so far beyond hurt from my past 2 relationships, i avoid dating as much as i can. And if i do meet people, im unknowingly "cold". I dont want to put all my energy, time, and emotion into someone when all this could happen all over again. Who would want that? So maybe all these things and fears have something to do with it? I dont know? I just thought, it was him, that speaking to him, would make it all go away.. But in actual fact, thanks to your advice, im thinking, would it actually make it worse. The relationship was so unhealthy, and took so long to end because we couldnt walk away from one another, which when it finally did end, it was like a tragic war had just ended, so would i just be making things worse for myself bringing all that burnt out flame back into my life..
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 May 2011):
 Closure, whatever you mean by that word, is something you find within yourself. So you can't blame that, or the way you broke up. I don't like that word even, "closure", because what does it mean? Peace of mind? Being friends with an ex? Being on good terms? What exactly does it mean, and why is it important? If you want to get over someone this is a process you go through on your own, and is not dependent on another person, or other circumstances.
You don't need closure of any kind. You need to get over him. There's several ways to do this, the most efficient is to move on and date other men. You also need to stop obsessing over him. Don't think about him. If you stop yourself from thinking of him, and distract your thoughts with something else, you'll be much happier.
He sounds like your first relationship? They can stick to your mind for years. Time makes the memories dull, but if you keep reminding yourself of everything it'll take even longer to go away.
Don't contact him. In fact, delete him from everything you had. No pictures, no phone number, no contact information. The reason you dream about him, btw, is because you spend so much time thinking of him.
A last word of wisdom for you: it's not about him at all. You are grieving over lost dreams, hopes, love, an imagined future, thoughts of what could have been, insecurities over if you will ever find someone better, if you are worth better, wondering what went wrong, what you did wrong. It's not about him at all. You're holding on to all the feelings because they turned you upside down, and you don't know yet if you learned anything from the experience or not, or what to do with this experience. So you wonder if you need to contact him again, as if that would do a magick trick and everything will make sense. It wont. He is irrelevant.
What is relevant is that you are heartbroken, and you aren't fully healed. Take the ex out of the equation and focus on how you can feel better, and how you can heal, and what you want to do with your life from here on. Do you want love and a happy future? Romance? How will you attempt to get it? What are your plans for the future when it comes to love? Want to get married? Want someone to go on exotic trips with? Want someone who loves you? Or just someone to share a good meal and a movie with? Figure out what you want, and how you can use your experience in love to get what you truly want.
This is about you, not your ex.
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