A
male
age
51-59,
*quaremeal
writes:I’m not very good at this.. (thus your collective wisdom will be appreciated)To make matters worse I’m not sure if I’m going to do good job of explaining this but… here goes…It’s a typical rubbish male story.I am seeing someone now but…Six years ago I was dating an "older woman" (I was thirty six she was thirty nine). She was a children’s nurse and amazing with kids. Were as I’m very much a man’s man! I loved her alot but I wasn’t sure. Most of the time I was absolutely certain however!She was very keen to get married and have children which I wasn’t adverse too but I felt it was too soon. She started to pressure me just a little - I was torn and perhaps (still!) had a bit of growing up to do. Coming from a horribly broken childhood – like so many other people – I’m absolutely dedicated to trying to get that part of life right – and the doubt haunted me.Over time I felt a terrible guilt. If I didn’t commit to her then… well the clock was ticking. Maybe she wouldn’t be able have children. She would be the perfect mother and well it would be my foibles fault if not and I was denying her the chance. So.. I made what, at that point, what I thought was the right was the right decision. Believe or not I split up with her for (laughably) altruistic reasons.But the truth is..I missed her. I don’t know why or how. But I did. I met someone else who I am still with but… Over time I realised that the future that she had so eloquently espoused was the one I wanted and…I wanted to be with her..Yet I knew she had married.. Then when I heard that this week she had give birth I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry… I could have waited… And it hurt. Badly.?All of this brings into stark vision my current relationship. I simply don’t have the strength of feeling for it compared to the one so many years ago. Is it dishonest therefore to continue it? I have a horrible feeling I just went into something easy to avoid hard choices .I think I may have made a terrible mistake… But.. am I on the verge of actually repeating the same mistake but ending this one...Your wisdom please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): You definetly did the right thing to end your previous relationship. From my experience, whenever a man is pressured into a marriage or kids, he holds resentment. Then everyone suffers. You surely wouldn't have wanted that? But don't let your past rob you of your future either. Have you forgiven your parents and faced the emotions of your childhood? It's a grieving process, and helps you move on in life--you need to 'lay it to rest' so to speak. I really hope you can get healing from your past, and you know, some of the best dads in the world are the ones that don't 'know it all', but are willing to do their best...and love them. take care
A
female
reader, Lamb  +, writes (11 December 2008):
your decision felt right at the time. you need to have faith in yourself, therefore, that you did the best thing for both of you. maybe this current girlfriend is not your future. but that's ok. the universe is unfolding as it should. you don't need to make any decisions right now. there is no rush.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): choice repeats in life somtimes! but lead to different paths.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): It's never easy when you get a snapshot of a previous lovers life and see it all worked out rosie for them and not for you. It seems you have admitted to yourself that you have made a mistake by finishing with this woman and she, has moved on to much better things and now has a much wanted baby. The sad truth is that you will just have to live with the choice you made. There was no guarantee that even if she had stayed with you that you would have gone on to have children. What has happened with her and her new husband is a whole new life and experience for her and obviously, six years on it has left you feeling hurt.
What I would suggest is that you move on swiftly from these thoughts. If your current partner is strong and understanding, maybe ask for a little space or get some counselling to deal with your feelings. Experience them, dwell on them for a short time and accept that it's time to move on.
We all have all manner of possible outcomes for our lives. There is no set fate that we are destined to adhere to, there is no set path that we are bound to walk. We have choices and with those choices we can change our lives for the better. Switch you focus to your current partner, you seemed happy enough with her before these feelings began to surface. Maybe the knowledge that a baby had been born brought all these past hurts to the surface. It's time to deal with them and then decide what you want from your current partner. Talk to her about the future, your hopes and dreams and wants, see if they are the same as hers and see if you can move foward together.
Do not brood on the past lover, she is happy and married and gone from your life. The memory you have of her may be rose tinted, indeed you chose to leave her and you had a reason to do so. Your new partner is where your immediate future lies, even if the two of you don't work out. Don't judge future events on the past, especially where love is concerned.
Good luck x
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