A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have a dilema that's really troubling me. I really need some advice.I have been with my partner for 3 and a half years. He means the world to me, and I love him so much, maybe too much.He has to have a lot of contact with his ex wife because of children, and he also still works for her parents. I understand this and try not to get upset about it, although I do find it really hard sometimes. Lately I bumped into my ex at a pub. He was with his new girlfriend, and I was with my partner. I had no problem seeing my ex, and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said hello to them both. I did feel a bit uncomfortable with him being there, but thats only natural. We left a while after, and I really thought nothing of it.The next day I recieved a text from my ex, just saying how lovely it was to see us both. And he thought I was stiil Gorgeous, and really funny. I did reply, but only to say it was nice to see him as well and that it was good that we were both happy and we had moved on. He sent me another text, to which I did not reply. I thought instead I would send an email as you can say more. I typed it out but never sent it, as I felt it was deceitful towards my partner. That night I found out he is going through my phone, emails and knew I had sent an email, even though I told him I didnt, because I thought it was wrong. We had a really bad row, and he made me cry. I said "I would never do anything to hurt you". He says he knows but was really spiteful with his comments.I feel like he is punishing me now. He keeps going out without me and is really distant towards me. Its as if he wants me to think that he is having an affair now. Just to try and hurt me. He doesn't come near me in bed, and our sex life is practically nill.I have asked him to tell me if he doesnt wan't to be with me, and he always says he does. But I feel like our relationship is taking a nose dive, and I really dont know what to do. I have tried to talk to him, but he really doesnt want to know. And I feel so sad.All I have to put up with, and he doesnt trust me. Or doesnt care.Has anyone else had this happen! what did you do?. I feel so sad as he is my best friend, and I am scared it's all going wrong.Thanks XX
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affair, best friend, ex-wife, his ex, jealous, my ex, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): An afterthought - you don't say why your partner and his ex went their separate ways - but if it was because she cheated on him he may have trust issues, in which case you'll have to try to explain to him that not all women were cast from the same mould, and you're certainly not one of them.
Phil
XXXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): It seems to me that he's had some trust issues before this if he's gone through your phone and emails - unless he did so as a result of you bumping into your ex. Jealousy is the most destructive of emotions so you've somehow got to convince him there's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous. You know him better than any of us and will hopefully know best how to approach him about it.
Presumably your partner found the email in the draft folder, because if you'd sent it, it would appear in your sent items box - that being the case you could demonstrate the fact that although you wrote it, you didn't send it. You've already told him why not.
So unless there's some incriminating content to that unsent email you can demonstrate that it was all pretty innocuous stuff, and after all, it's good if one can stay on civil terms with an ex. - just as he is doing, whether that's for the sake of the children or not is irrelevant. What's the point of being at loggerheads all the time, and more to the point, what would be the point of you being jealous of him occasionally seeing his ex?
Perhaps it might have been better if you'd kept your partner fully informed from the outset about everything that was going on between you and the ex., and involved him in any texts recieved and replies sent so that he wasn't left worrying now about things he knew nothing about at the time.
You've broken his trust just a little by going behind his back, but having said that if he fully trusted you in the first place I don't think this situation would have arisen, and he would have been able to just brush it off without giving it another thought.
If I was in your shoes I'd probably tell him that you're very sorry that he's upset about all this, but that you thought he would have trusted you 100% just as you do him. Explain to him that you don't rant and rave at him for still being in touch with his ex. because you trust him implicitly, and you would expect the same courtesy in return. If you want to be really tough with him, tell him not to judge you by his standards.
Basically, I don't think you've got anything to apologise for, but if that's what it takes to get your relationship back on track then so be it. Somehow you have to pour oil on the waters and calm them down a bit. Don't make the mistake of going off on one yourself as that would only escalate the problem.
I wish I could be there to give you a hug and tell you it's all going to be alright. I'll be thinking of you.
Take care.
Phil
XXXX
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Hey babe, give him some time.. he is just thinkin the worst.. he will come round and if he doesnt, keep proving to him, you love him and would do anything for him etc =]feel free to mail me at any time xx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 You may not have send that e-mail but to some people that is the same, as you had the intentions.
He has slid down the slippery slope and he can't stop .He needs to be shaken hard to realized that he should forgive you and move on.
You will reach the lowest point and then you may have to moved out to force him to re evaluate his actions towards you.
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