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anonymous
writes: I have been with my partner for just over 18 months and we were good friends for 6 years before we got together so I guess you could say we know each other pretty well!Because we were such good friends and didn’t want to ruin the friendship we already had we made a bit of a deal that we would talk about every problem and face things together in the hope that we would make a really good go of things. As it happens it works really well and we do have a really good relationship and we really do compliment each other. The only trouble is I am struggling hard to get on with his mum and sister and as a result I have started to question if we have future together.He is very close to them and I suppose in the beginning they found it difficult to understand why I didn’t want to have a similar close relationship with them. Whilst I get on well with my family relationships are not as close as theirs so was not/am not used to it. I wanted to make an effort though but whatever I was doing was still not good enough for them and they took to criticising my every move. My partner moved into my flat quite soon after we got together so there was also that element of displeasure from his mum that I took her little boy away.About six months ago I decided to make some changes in my life by returning to university. Financially it meant that I couldn’t continue to live in my flat and would have to rent it out. We wanted to continue to live together so he suggested we move into his sister’s house as she was struggling financially and wanted to help her out. It seemed an ideal solution at the time as it was affordable and meant we could be together and I also got on relatively well with her.After 3 months I guess you could say things with her turned sour. She is single and became jealous both of the fact that her brother was happy and of the fact that she’s sharing him with me. She started to almost compete with me for his affection. This is not something I can quite understand because there is no question of the love he has for her and I don’t want to ever change that. The result of this has been that she’s sharing her unhappiness with their mum as well as her own interpretations of mine and his relationship and this has made things between me and them even worse.My partner desperately wants me to get on with them and it is something that is very important to him. We constantly talk of our future together but I am now questioning whether or not this is possible because I just can’t get on with his family and every time he sees his mum she gives him a hard time. He does defend me but they’re just not interested in changing their opinions.Even though they are convinced that I am trying to come between them that is the absolute last thing I want. I have always said that I will not give any ultimatum but if it got really bad then I would walk away – family is too important.We can’t move out together as that would just cause more problems. If anything I thought it may be better if I moved out so as to relieve the situation in the house but we both feel we would be going backwards in our relationship and don’t know if it could survive – I still have 3 years of studying to do.I am aware that there are always family issues in any relationship but because involvement with them is so important to him I don’t know what to do to resolve it. We really want to be together but would it be better for him if we just cut our losses?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005): I am strangely reminded of scripture by this problem, and I'll share it not out of deep religiousity, but because it just seems to fit so well.
Other people's families are weird and different and scary. The fact that you are sharing a house with his sister means you have probably gotten to know a part of his family in extremely intimate detail. Furthermore, even if you are a paying tenant in her home, I'm sure she still feels like you are her guest, which puts an extra pressure on you to be on your best behaviour. If everyone is worrying about money, it's likely just a big bag of crabby moods waiting to bounce off each other ON TOP OF any personal disagreements.
Given all this, my advice is to 'turn the other cheek'. If your sister and mother-in-law feel like they need to criticise you, don't reciprocate it in any way (no snappy comebacks, no matter how searing and clever they are) and no coldness on your part. If you return their pettiness with warmth and friendship, their source of ammunition will not only run dry, but it will throw into relief for them what little shrews they're being. It's good that you haven't offered up any ultimatum, keep it up. Basically, do your best to be a saint with them, and your boyfriend should always stick up for you (it sounds like he does). Unless they truly are ghouls, they will have to see how great you are, if not from the bottom of their hearts, than at least begrudgingly.
If you want to be a real hero, you could even try spending time with them when your husband isn't around. This is for extra-credit only, but if you can befriend them on terms having nothing to do with him, it could go a REALLY long way. Find common ground (your husband doesn't count!) or read up on some of their interests and spend the time with them. In fact, I'm changing that from a bonus assignment to a prerequisite. Start small, take ONE out for coffee at a time, arrange it for when your husband WON'T be available, move up from there.
Congratulations on going back to school, by the way.
Good luck.
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