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female
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anonymous
writes: we've been together for 5 years and have lived together most of that time. Every 6 months or so I ask him about getting hitched and it leads to an argument. I'm really traditional and it's important to me that I officially commit to this man but every time the answer is no or I don't know. He's never said never, but then he's not given any hint that he wants to. How long should we stick this out as resentment is starting to build and I feel a bit trapped. His argument is that I agreed to live with him, getting married won't change anything. I don't want to change the quality of our relationship, but marriage is important to me. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Hi, I was in a long term relationship that did not end in marriage and it went on for 11 years, and finally he asked me to marry him and I had already moved on with my life...really part of me was afraid of making that final commitment too and that is why I stayed with him for so long without being married. I suspect on some level you also are a bit afraid of marriage, at least with this particular man even though you may love him, I suspect there are some character flaws or two that you wish were not there....there was with my man, like the way he handled anger, and was a bit controlling.
I don't think ultimatums work, such as threats to leave, but actions do....and you should not have to apologize for wanting to be married, or for not wanting to give him any more time...personally, I think 5 years is too long to date if you are expecting a proposal from this man...he does not want to be married.
I would move out, get your own place and tell him that you no longer want to see him anymore unless he can give you a commitment of marriage and a timeline for when that will happen, say you understand if he can't give it to you, but that you deserve to be married, want to be married and will have to move on without him in your life....this will be very hard for both of you, but you need to break up.
If then he comes back to you with a proposal, then you can decide what to do, if he doesn't then you will be on your way to a better life that has a place for your hopes and dreams. Take care, dear.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I am in a similar situation, except my relationship has been for almost seven years. As far as I know, we both only see each other, but I want some type of commitment, at least a ring. He also gets frustrated with me when I mention this. He has a fourteen year old daugther and I have three children, ten, twelve, and fourteen. When he has her on his weekends, we have a lot of fun together as a family. The children love each other so much. But, I feel like he is using me until the right one comes along. Do you feel that way too? I do not understand why I do not have a real commitment made with him.
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A
male
reader, ilikesummer +, writes (20 December 2006):
I think you need to get your own life together. Such as a good job, where you can support yourself, and don't have to live with this guy. He thinks living with you is the same as marrying you? You're starting to feel like you're not good enough for him I bet, and that's bad for your self-esteem. What you need to do is threaten to leave, maybe even move out, and tell him why you're doing it. Then see how he reacts. I am in a similar situation, where I am pregnant w/ a guy's baby & he thinks letting me live with him is enough & he shouldn't need to do anything else for me or his baby. I am very angry as well. I would just take small steps to show him you're not going to wait around forever, and if he doesn't react the way you want him to, stop wasting your time, and find someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
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