A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Today was a very difficult day for me. It was the first day after my ex and I broke up. She cheated on me and for some reason I was able to forgive her. I don't know if I truly do forgive her or if it was just a desperate plea so that I wouldn't be alone. In the end though I know that our relationship was over. It had been 5 years and we were really happy, or at least I was. I know all of this will take time to heal but I can already feel trust issues starting to develop. Being cheated on is one of the worst feelings in the world and I now feel that I am to blame for this. I don't feel like a victim I feel like I am the cause of this cheating. My question is what can I do to help move on? I know time is the biggest key but at the moment all I do is sit and think about what I did wrong and keep asking why me. If anyone else has been cheated on I would love to hear from you about your experiences with moving past this.
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broke up, cheated on me, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here:
Thank you everyone for all the support. It's all still very new and each day my emotions are just crazy. The toughest time is at night. Just before bed I start to think, and there is nothing worse then feeling sad, lonely, and feeling like a broken man. But my support system has been great and I feel I'm on the right road. I just have to ride the emotional roller coaster for awhile and I'd love to just continue to talk to you people whenever I need a guiding word. Thank you so much
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): I've been cheated on before.
It was NOT MY FAULT IN ANY WAY.
He was scum for doing it. I tried to understand and 'fix' it. But it wasn't long before I realised that HE was the problem. I left him.
I haven't looked back and I couldn't be happier.
You deserve so much better. You can have so much better. It starts with saying NO to people who don't treat you well and cutting them out of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): I was in the exact same situation,but in reverse. i.e. he left after 5 years, cheated, didn't even apologise and as another poster has already identified,I do believe he used the cheating for a way out coz he was simply too much of coward to break up with me after such a long time together and so much history.I say he "left", because he did technically also leave me to be with another girl (who was aware that he had a gf). Oh,and, on being asked "Why?" (as in "Why did you do it? Why did you cheat?") do you know what the answer was?? "Coz she is younger and fitter than you." Yup. Coz that's what matters for life, I'm sure.In my case, it was very hard for me to see photos of them together etc. but actually I made myself see them. I'm glad I did. he SEEMED happy (I don't know, he might as well be),but for him to jump ship like that to me it really just meant that our time together amounted to nothing and he never really TRULY loved me.It was a hard pill to swallow. Very hard. But that's all you need to take from this- she did NOT really LOVE you. If she did, you could have found a way (together) to overcome the cheating issues (not every couple can, but some relationships and marriages do survive cheating,it's just a very long road).Since you did NOT you were not MEANT to be together.For me it was not so much about letting go of the past (though that's difficult too,especially life-changing moments like graduation etc.), but the HURT was much bigger when it came to letting go of the FUTURE.That FUTURE that we had built up together in our heads, the plans we made, the things we were going to do through the years etc. etc.That was HARD to let go of. Hard to imagine another life, without him.That's what you need to start thinking of-what will you do with YOUR life now that you no longer have to adapt them to another human being's desires? Look at it that way: it's COMPLETE freedom. Just in this one time in your life (before marriage etc) and whilst you can freely (hopefully!) provide for yourself. YOu can use what you gain to do whatever you like? Climb Kilimanjaro? Go to Peru? Mud fight? Balloon flights? Rolling cheese down a hill?Anything! YOU can do things she didn't want to do/didn't like doing,but you did! Do those!Too much freedom can be scary,but it can be good to find yourself.She did you a favour really-imagine marrying her (as you might have planned) and then she would have done this at one stage or another (as it's just a weakness of character).Now you can find someone who won't! Good luck in your recovery (be kind to yourself-it might take a while)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2015):
 What you do is, puff up your chest, and say to her:
"I'm sorry, bitch... but you seem to think that I am some sort of guy who YOU think will put up with WHATEVER sort of dimunition that you think that you can visit upon me. That is NOT SO... and so, I am kicking YOU to the curb.... and expect you will stay there forever.... Sorry"....
Isn't that easy????
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Most people who have been cheated on think it's their fault. IT ISN'T.
THE cheater CHOOSES to cheat. YOU didn't "make" her cheat.
If you were not paying as much attention to her, or too busy with your own life, MAYBE she then chose to cheat... but I will repeat this.. YOU DIDN'T MAKE her cheat.
I'd say give it a good 4-6 months to digest what happened over the last 5 years, not just the cheating. Block her, delete her number, go ABSOLUTELY no contact.
Spend time with family and friends so you don't sit at home moping and missing her.
Maybe your GF was looking for a way out but didn't have the guts to end it. So she chose to cheat instead.
DO NOT OWN her choices and actions.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 March 2015):
The things you are doing now are the things you should not be doing. Do not sit around and punish yourself. Get out and do things with your friends. Again, do not punish yourself while going out. You do not have to get wasted and you do not have to exceed the limits. Just have fun with your friends, do some out door activities and most importantly, tell yourself that you just need time to heal. I am sure you have a lot of free time now since you did spend a lot of your day doing things involving her but it does not matter now. You need to direct this time to other things and that is the point I want to make. Even if you don't "feel" like to do anything, force yourself.
Yes she messed up. You both weren't perfect. Maybe, could've, should've, perhaps, who was wrong, who was right...your mind will ponder all of these questions but there are literally no answers. There is nothing to give more and do not give her another chance. The moment you find yourself thinking to her again, slap yourself and do something else. Whatever you do, do not stay in lonesome and silence like a monk. You aren't a monk. You are a young adult so don't waste your time.
Life will be better. There are better girls out there and the love you will have after this will be greater. You want to be ready for when the next person comes, trust me. I have been there. I did not say it will be easy. I am saying, that this is what you must do to move on.
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