A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi, im 43, divorced, 3 kids and in a relationship for 8 months now, my question is, should i be expecting long term plans and commitment??? should i be included in vacations with his family and kids after a year, or it is normal for us to be having separate vacations. im new at this, i was married for 20 years ive had casual relationships after my divorce 4 years ago, and had a pretty serious one that i ended with no regrets,im very much in love but i have lots of doubts not about my feelings but more about his, he assures me that he is in love, are doubts healthy or should i end it??? some of his actions make me feel insecure and i dont want to be wasting my time in a relationship with no future, we have great sex, we have fun together, but communication on his part is very difficult and money wise his a little apprehensive, what do you think??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): There is no relationship statute that says "after 8 months, joint holidays are expected" (unfortunately). You have to find a speed you are both comfortable with. In hollywood movies that always just happens naturally but in real life generally things go too slowly or too quickly for one or both people at various times. You have to decide if it's something you can live with in silence or whether you need to talk about it with the other person.It's not PC to say it, but generally women want things to move more quickly towards some meaningful commitment, and men are more happy to let things drift. In a healthy relationship some middle ground is found where there is some progress to satisfy one person, but not so much that it frightens the other. Often just confirming that you're both serious about it and see it going the same way is more important than setting deadlines.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answers,yes im probably rushing things and expecting more than i should, in my heart i think i know what the answer is but its hard to accept it...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 He wants to know you better before including you and your kids as family. I won't just end it yet because what he's avoiding talking now is a difficult, emotional topic. It's more common to see people blend families but that doesn't mean we can all do this without feelings of guilt of not being able to be full time parents on the other side. I believe him when he says he is in love with you. He just wants to make sure he has plenty of time to decide whether another relationship is a good idea. I think you will be happier expecting nothing, not that you don't deserve good relationship, but you have to accept that it's in our nature to want all the fun without responsibilities. If you end relationships after you see men not committing as they are supposed to then you are going to kill all potential. There is no strict guideline as to when a man should commit. They commit when they feel ready. When he loves you deeply he will love your children. It will come a time when he feels the strain of living apart. Living together will become a convenience, and not a must.
In order to lift his resistance to committing:
So, while he's not so open in answering your questions. May be you can indirectly talk about something else, like his relationship with his parents, relatives and friends. Get to know him better without making it obvious that you are pulling the truth from him. You know there are in laws who want their sons to get back with their exes and won't like whoever they are dating. This is one of the obstacles. It will also help if he can see that financially, you are willing to pitch in what he thinks it's fair. Give him the feeling that you trust him, his ability to take care of people, his judgment, etc. He may be unsure of his role of your family that's already established and he will feel like an intruder. He worries that you will argue about different parenting attitudes. When the time comes let him know that you allow him to discipline your kids. And lastly, make him feel that committing to you is fun. It will help that your children will listen to him and not defy him. Let him know that you are willing to arrange babysitters so that you and him get enough alone time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): If you can't talk about these things and get clear answers then yes, he isn't communicating well and that probably won't ever change. He doesn't seem as committed to it as you are, and you have misgivings on various levels. Maybe he is anti-committment after his own marriage ended and he doesn't want to go through it all again? He has the answers, we don't. You will have to sit him down and get to the truth.
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