A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend n i have been together for 4 years. we've never had sex. for the first year he kept puttin it off by blaming drink tiredness or not in the mood. truth was he's so nervous, he's afraid he won't be able to keep it up. after i found this out it tore me up that he couldnt tell me in first place. we've talked bout it countless times but not really anything else has happened. we do more than just kiss but nothin below the waist. if i bring up the topic of my needs and urges it upsets him that he cant satisfy me and he feels totally worthless :( problem is i dont kno how much more i can take, i love him so so much but now so much time has passed i'm even nervous and afraid to take next step in fear of bein pushed away again. he can masterbate so thats not the problem and still i've asked him to see a doctor or for us to go to councilling but he wont.he tries to reassure me he's attracted to me but i dont believe that anymore and at times feel he's onl with me for convenience coz who else would put up with this. what do i do :(
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Actions. Words. Actions. Words. Observe the difference between these... your guy has a problem with being intimate with you and doesn't appear interested in working on it.
You know where you stand after 4 years, the cold sad truth is that you are really really good friends, not lovers. I doubt you're going to get the intimacy you desire.
Now it's up to you to be brave and face the truth with compassion in your heart for yourself and for him. Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the change agent, as he seems stuck.
Personally, my guess is that he is gay. He doesn't want to be, I'm sure. But he does not find you sexually appealing enough to do anything about it. At his age (I'm assuming early 20s) he should be at his sexual peak. Sounds like a very low valley...this is as good as it's going to get.
Let us know what you decide. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): I was in a similar position. it is really hard if he is a great guy in all other regards. He might have low testosterone whcih can be addressed. I guess it is up to you how important sex is to you. Does't sound like it is going to get better. I am sure he is attracted to you but not very interested in sex. You have to decide if you can continue on like this. If not, you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you.. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Has something happened to this guy to make him think he can't do it? Has he been abused or something? Because if so he definately needs therapy to deal with this. 4 years in a relationship with no sex makes this a friendship. You are not in a relationship with this person you are in a friendship only.
I wouldn't put up with this personally. Maybe it's time for you to stand your ground. Put a date on it. No sex by this date and you are out the door.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): You clearly love him and are not a shallow person but its got be a big problem. I don't want to seed unneccesary doubt but is it possible he is gay? It could be a medical problem but more likely a deepseated psychological one. Have you tried oral sex? - most men can't resist that for arousal. Is he a virgin? Have you tried being present when he masterbates and taken it step by step from there? Have you tried showing him enourmous trust and masterbated yourself in front of him and got him involved?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Obviously he doesn't see it as a big problem, since.. you are still around...
Maybe it's time to cut your losses?
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