A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can I please ask opinions….I’m a 39 year old virgin- despite being once married.I was bought up in a religious household where we weren’t allowed sex before marriage.I met a guy I fell in love with and he was happy to wait until after our wedding. Unfortunately I was so scared of it hurting and fear of getting pregnant (yes we used birth control) that psychologically and physically I couldn’t lose my virginity- I was so tense. We attempted so many times but to no avail. I got divorced this year. I don’t think I can even date anyone again as I’m scared of telling men I’m practically a 40 year old virgin. Do you think the majority of men will be put off and shall I just accept I’ll be alone forever? I know I need to get some help, I’mJust so embarrassed by the whole thing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2022): I would strongly advise you speak with a doctor or therapist. It sounds like you have a phobia of sex. This can be cured through CBT or similar, and a good therapist will have heard it all before so there is nothing to be worried about. Sex is pretty fundamental to most relationships, so it will prevent you forming intimate relationships unless you face this phobia. As someone who has been cured of a very bad phobia through CBT, I highly recommend it.
A
male
reader, Secretboyfriend00 +, writes (26 July 2022):
I think if its a problem for someone that your a virgin then they aren't the one for you. If someone truly cares about you then
they will support you no matter what the situation is. If a guy is attracted to the fact that you are a virgin then look the other way. More than likely they are douchebags
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A
male
reader, Secretboyfriend00 +, writes (26 July 2022):
I think if its a problem for someone that your a virgin then they aren't the one for you. If someone truly cares about you then
they will support you no matter what the situation is. If a guy is attracted to the fact that you are a virgin then look the other way. More than likely they are douchebags
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022): The problem is not you telling men that your a virgin; the problem is your fear of sex. You need to see a shrink and discuss your problems at length. We here can only tell you in a few words that there's nothing to be ashamed or scared of about sex but it's obviously so deeply ingrained in you that reading answers from anonymous agony aunts on the internet isn't really going to help you.
Go to a doctor. Talk to a trusted aunt or a friend. And try not to date till you're more sorted. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022): P.S.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You will not be alone forever. Give yourself a little credit, you have more power over your fate and future than you think. Seek therapy to help you deal with those fears and anxieties that are getting in your way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022): Madam, please tell me where the rule was written that you have to declare to men you may or may never have sex with that you're a virgin right off the top??? If you are Muslim, perhaps that is the case. If you're not of the strictest of theological ideologies; then it was a personal-choice. Stop trying to villainize your family faith; because you could have lost your virginity anytime you pleased, and they wouldn't have been the wiser. It's only necessary to disclose your virginity when you know sex is going to be a sure thing; and you should ask your partner to be particularly gentle.
Yes, there are moral and religious restrictions that suggest practicing celibacy until marriage; but so many people act as if it's something tragic and psychologically detrimental to be a virgin. I've been one, and it was fine. We despair and lament far too much over "what will people think?!!" What people think has put people in an early grave!
You're still a virgin at 39. You're not the only one in the world. The problem is your fear of sex, not being a virgin. You may suffer from the psychological condition known as genophobia, or erotophobia. You mention nothing of seeking therapy; you just decided it was due to your religious background. Which may be totally unrelated, or have nothing at all to do with your condition. It could happen to anybody.
Like all fears and phobias, we decide when it is the right time to face those fears and to overcome them.
Once you've met someone you trust, and feel truly ready to give all of yourself; then share with him all that only he needs to know, and take it from there. It's nobody's business otherwise; and I assure you, being a virgin isn't a crime!!! There is no law or set rule as to when you're supposed to lose your virginity. Other than religious doctrines that restrict sex to marriage; no religion says you shouldn't have sex at all!!!
The cruelties of human nature create ugly stereotypes, and stigmatize people for being different. These ostracisms inflicted by our society literally make people sick! You're scorned if you do have sex, and you're scorned if you don't!
If your fear of sex is making it impossible for you to ever be sexually-intimate; then seek therapy to help you to overcome your anxiety and unusual fear. Fear is the culprit here. If it is too painful, then you should also check with a gynecologist and determine if there is a physiological abnormality that makes sex unusually painful for you.
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