A
male
 ,
*eithym
writes:Hi,I have a real problem with getting a girlfriend. I'm nearly 29 and haven't had a girlfriend for over 5 years now! I'm really starting to feel that there's something wrong with me and Im starting to panic and feel desperate to meet someone. This problem is starting to make me unhappy and is taking over my life as i'm ignoring other responsibilities like work and my friends and concentrating on this problem. I feel constantly under pressure to meet someone while on a night out and am also spending a lot of time on the internet to try online dating. However the girls I have chatted to online seem to mess me around when i ask them out by making excuses that they are busy, instead of being straight with me. I'm really low in confidence and really feel like giving up all togetherDoes anyone know of any ways and places where I can meet women, as I feel I am knocking my head against a brick wall?Keith
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): You've described the solution to your problem in your own message!
It is not "Does anyone know of any ways and places where I can meet women?"
Females are, quite obviously not interested in you because you
1) feel something is wrong with you
2) feel paniced and depressed
3) its taking over my life
4) feel constantly under pressure to meet a girl
5) really low in confidence
I'd love to see you in real life just to see your overwhelming blatant uncomfortableness in social situations around women, if only I could film it I think you'd be a new man the day after!
People who "try" too hard or feel there is something wrong with them, actually, come across this way to females very quickly and they run from it. Associated with a guy with these kind of qualities also comes, insecurity, jealousy, too emotional, needy and is need of a mother, not a women. Whilst women can deal with a couple of these things if they are strong women, they also need to see strength, character, confidence in a man. He is, afterall, going to support, nourage and bring up her children.
I'm not saying you need to transform yourself in to someone you're not, the choice rather is that you need stop fixating on having a girlfriend to "prove" to youself that you are a normal functioning man because that is what is wrong. You don't feel like there is something wrong with you. Lacking some quality of man'lyness - you must be, or they'd all be flocking around you in pub you went in to?
As a teenager I went many, many, years finding no girls were ever interested in me. I really gave myself a little sob story "oh - but I'm such a nice guy why can't they see that! - oh it must be their fault!"
However, as soon as I matured as a person and realised I'd actually HATE to have random girls be interested in me and the less you kind of desire other women, the more it seems to attract them.
This problem is easily fixable. Fixable though by forgetting about women for as long as it takes and instead concentrate on YOU. Look after yourself, start a hobby, do some things to increase confidence. STOP looking at every girl as a potential partner then being destroyed when she doesn't even see you. Concentrate on you, and not what you're missing and you around going to find women start seeing you very different, I promise you =) Would be nice to hear your feedback in a few months time seeing as I took the time to write this. How's that?
A
male
reader, Zim +, writes (29 December 2006):
 Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you. I know exactly how you feel, because I used to feel that way every single day. Don't ignore or neglect responsibilities like work and friends. For a start, you will need to put on a good show at work to keep your job and perhaps get a promotion. Friends are there to support you. Have you communicated your feelings about the matter to them? They will be able to calm your fears or perhaps even be able to suggest a friend of theirs who is single and looking. Your friend can then set up a date and there you go. One of many possibilities. However don't use your friends just for that.
With regard to feeling the pressure of having to find a date. This is NOT the way to go. Believe me, i've been in your shoes. Women can immediately detect someone that is desperate and that is a big turn off for them. In my experience, I kept on thinking every day that I wanted to find someone to go out with. I was, like you desperate. That was until I found out that by doing that I would most likely be making a compromise, i.e. I would immediately go out with someone I liked initially but the next week I hated. The one relationship I had which was incredible was just after I had decided to calm down a bit and not force myself to look seriously at every single woman as a potential. Those days are long gone now. So, my advice? Relax and go with the flow. Some people are lucky to find the person they want to be with in their 20s. I hope i'll be one of those people, but some people can find that person at any time in their life. The most rewarding relationship i've ever had started when I least expected it to happen. It will happen in the same way for you. (When someone told that to me, I didn't believe them. I'm one of the most impatient people in the world, but it happened:-))
I am all for the online dating thing. For some its the perfect way to meet new people. However, you must learn to keep cool, calm and collected. You mustn't feel that the first woman that speaks to you should go out with you. If you are interested, say you are with sincerity and if she says that she isn't for whatever reason it may be, try to be okay with it. Generally people on the internet are very private and when it comes to the actual meet up, they are scared because it is the unknown. If they are afraid, let them know that all the safe things will be done, such as going to a public place and that is it and having a friend nearby or on call. Whatever, you do, don't be quick about asking them out because you are desparate. This will scare them and they won't want to move to a dating situation. I'm sure you know all this already.
I can understand that you are low in confidence. However, you shouldn't need to be. There are many places you can meet single people, such as singles bars, churches (if you're religious), friend's parties, workplace, etc.
I hope this helped! If you want to ask more questions or I haven't answered something let us know. ZIM
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