A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27 year old female and have never had a boyfriend. I have had sex only once, when I was 22 with a friend who I trusted (so I knew i felt comfortable even though I only did it to "get it over with". I don't regret this but for the most part being intimate with someone I don't trust makes me cringe and scares me, I don't like kissing either.) I date men, but i always lose interest, there is flirtation but after a week or two it usually sours and the guy stops calling and I never care because I am no longer attracted. Im pretty sure Im not gay, Ive thought about it and even gone on a few dates with women but they just dont do it for me. Ive been in love with 3 men before, but they all have one thing in common: they were unobtainable. 2 of them had a girlfriend, one was still in love with his ex (although I wanted him to get over her). But it seems to me that I'm only interested when I cannot have someone! Or, more accuratly, only when its difficult. Because with men I know 100% I cant have, I never like them. I dont know what to do because I want to meet someone, have kids, you know...but I just dont know how to make myself turn away from this and start liking guys who are able to date me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): i'm 27 and never had a girlfriend, it's more shocking to hear of a girl like this than compared to a guy
A
male
reader, Levsn  +, writes (16 May 2014):
One thing in your text bothers me, you say that you are, up until now, only interested in unobtainable men. Could it be that single men don't give you any sort of thrill? Did you ever have any conflict with men that left some kind of scar behind which never healed?
I would suggest counseling just like CMMP said, the fact that you are only interested in unobtainable men is strange. Maybe you are dating the wrong kind of guys, who you think will appeal you but ultimately won't?
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (16 May 2014):
 CMMP is voicing my thoughts. It would be good to discover why you don't connect as much as you would like.
If you keep on doing the same things then you will keep on getting the same result.
Time for a Change.
There is a reason why you shrink from real intimacy. Having sex with someone you trust is just sex. It is not genuine intimacy. Shrinking from allowing a relationship to go to the next level and then on to an even more intimate level suggests a lack of confidence within you.
You do not need to reply with answers, but the following are questions I'd like you to ponder:
1. Do you like who you are?
2. Off the top of your head could you name ten things about you that are really positive and are attributes that you value.
3. Do you believe that you are likeable.
4. Can you easily start up a conversation with a complete stranger
5. Do you actively involve yourself in at least 2 hobbies on a regular basis
6. Have you changed your hairstyle and hair colour in the last 12 months.
7. Have you revamped your wardrobe in the last 2 years and thrown out things you have not worn for 2 years or more
8. Are you adventurous about trying new recipes and new foods you have never eaten?
1 point for a NO answer
Zero points for a YES answer
I will discuss your score in a moment.
Some people unconsiously push people away. And remain uncomfortable in the company of others. They remain far too worried about what other people think of them. And whether they are ok.
So please remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. Let them worry about what concerns them.
You, instead, need to accept that you are OK and you do deserve to have good things happen to you in the future.
Now back to your score:
If you scored 5 or more you need to work on you until you can score a lovely Zero for that test of 8 questions.
If you have trouble thinking up your ten best qualities you need to work on those issues too.
When you can start to love and like you.
When you can really appreciate your unique qualities.
When you can believe that you deserve to spend money on you and on your presentation then you will be demonstrating to the world that you are certain that you do value you.
When you are involved and interested in hobbies and you seek opportunities to mix with like-minded people you will stop being concerned about how you appear to others and will instead share your pleasure in your hobby with people who will be on the same wave length and along the way you will make friends.
But DO try to choose a hobby that will attract some males or even more males than females.
What do guys like? Sport, games, fishing, physical activities, cycling, swimming.
Try to avoid pubs - not easy to hold a conversation in such a noisy place. And a drunk guy who is starting to become seriously inebriated, and who thinks it attractive to make risque comments in your direction and who then starts coming on to you - none of that behaviour from a guy is a great compliment. It undervalues you.
So Value you.
You don't have to accept just anyone.
You DO deserve a nice guy.
You do not have to accept second best.
Nor a guy who makes you cringe.
Confidence will attract others to you.
Confidence will help you to identify the persons you want to spend time with.
Confidence will help you to sustain relationships.
The sooner you can start to put you FIRST and choose to do the things you YOU want to do - this will help you.
This is not selfish.
This is taking care of you and valuing you. Things you do deserve to do.
And once you make a decision to do nice things for you - one nice thing you can do, for you, every day - will will be surprised at how much better life feels.
This positive focus will cause others to want to spend time with you - because if you look like you are enjoying life then others will be more likely to want to be with you.
And never talk about your past difficulties with guys. the past is the past. Focus on the future. You do not have to explain your past. Go forward, don't look back.
Good Luck for the future
Hope something above helps to better connect with a really nice guy.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (16 May 2014):
The counselling idea is a old one. There is something blocking you, probably something from your past. I would recommend CBT, because you will quickly uncover what causes this for you and get practical steps to change it and your thinking. In the UK it costs about £40 per session, which is expensive but you are worth the cost. Why not have one session to see if it is for you?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 May 2014):
Why not try counseling?
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