A
male
age
36-40,
*enbo blujem
writes:Hi. I'm a twenty-five year old virgin man with Asperger's Syndrome. Back in middle school, something happened that left me very self-conscious. a girl had walked up to me during class and asked me to to the movies, but when she walked back to her friends, she pointed at me and laughed. I don't know if she had planned to stand me up or not, but that's what I had concluded. Since then, I've had self-image problems.I have no idea how to recognize a signal as flirting or just being nice so I would appreciate any tips on identifying flirting. I went to an all boys high school, where some people called, me a stud but I don't know if that was mocking my "nice guy" personality. I got into my only previous relationship when I was 17. It was the product of a very complex blind date that had been years in the making. She was my first kiss. Our relationship lasted about 10 months, and we went to three proms together. I find it strange that during that length of time, we only kissed twice, and when we broke up she said that we didn't have the chemistry. To this day we're very close platonically. I went to college for illustration, but only went to two parties during that period of time. With school being 6 hours from home, I tried to not get close to anyone romantically knowing that long distance relationships don't often turn out well. Now I'm out of college and still find it hard to figure out if someone is attracted to me in a romantic way. At times I wonder if I'm even bisexual.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): lil late but i'd like to add something...syndrome aside, you sound like the proverbial "nice guy". all i can add is as long as you are polite, there is nothing wrong with asking someone to share a drink and conversation...whether they gave you the wink or not...just as there's nothing wrong with the girl passing on the offer. I know how diffacult it is experiancing those feelings, as i share many myself. no one likes being told no thank you when an offer is made, but sometimes you have to hear no before you hear yes. that is not syndrome specific, thats life. its normal. it's allowed. if you can allow yourself to try, and fail, and it be ok, im sure your confidance will improve, and everybody likes confidance!Also, nobody comment on your suggestion you might be bisexual. i'd just like to point out there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. love knows no boundries. be who you are. you can be no more, no less that that, no matter how hard you try.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): My advice is that you should:1. Try to focus on just developing friendships with women without romance being the goal. As you spend time around women you will learn from them and maybe develop friendships with girls who you can rely on for advice.2. You need to start telling yourself that you are worthy of attention and love. Don't tell yourself that your syndrome is in control of your whole life. Remind yourself how sexy you are and other women will see it.3. Start with dating online- create a profile (leave out details of your syndrome). When on-line, the girls profiles normally state what they are after (eg. Just friends/boyfriend/marriage etc). You obviously have no problem expressing yourself with writing so you could have a romance 90% wrapped up before you even meet.4. Accept that every woman you meet is not going to be attracted to you, but that does not mean that you should give up on all women. When you go fishing, you catch some, lose some. Same thing. Good luck
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A
male
reader, kenbo blujem +, writes (1 December 2009):
kenbo blujem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry, just noticed reply box.
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A
male
reader, kenbo blujem +, writes (1 December 2009):
kenbo blujem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been on some autism based message boards and seem to be more neurotypical then some there. While there are some social cues that I don't pick up easily, its mostly those regarding me that I may be misinterpreting. for example, in seventh grade I girl I had a crush on since second asked me to dance. I declined thinking it was just her being nice. I found out in senior year of high school that she was attracted to me. When out in public I try to have some confidence while stilling being a gentleman (looking up to Paul Newman and the fictional Bruce Wayne). There are times when I've seen a girl look at me and smile (not sure if she's looking at someone else in the same direction), so I smile and nod my head (sort of like someone tipping their hat). I don't know if its to small of gesture or not big enough of a gesture. The last thing I'd want to do is put someone at unease.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 If you have a very close platonic female friend then ask her for help. Ask her what you should be wearing and doing and saying. Throw yourself on her mercy. I'd bet that she'd be happy to help.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 oh my, I hope the girl from middle school has the balls and guts to look back on her actions and regret and feel shame. I know from experience that a casual biting comment to a teenager can colour and affect their lives for decades after.
But, guess what, she probably doesn't and so you need to not let that incident affect you the same way it affect her, not at all!
You need to consider putting yourself out and about in the community to widen your social circle, and practice your interpersonal skills. Maybe try some night classes, short story writing or upholstery, even pottery, get involved - are there volunteer groups you could join, I know this is easier in small communities sometimes than in the larger towns and cities, but have a look around at what might be available. All these experiences will help develop your self confidence and build your self esteem. And who knows, Miss Right might be right there, pottering along beside you
good luck
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (1 December 2009):
You can tell when a woman is flirting with you is, say if you were somewhere and she keeps making eye contact with you. Not eye contact where it's on accident and she'll look away really fast, but she'll probably hold eye contact for a second or two longer than usual--then she'll look away and will probably do this several times. If you're actually talking to her, she'll probably smile a lot, laugh, try to keep the conversation going, and randomly touch you.
So go out there and try to make it happen. Things do take practice so if at first you don't succeed, keep trying.
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A
male
reader, Jumpy +, writes (1 December 2009):
dude man... you need to get out there and just... EXPLORE! You will probably not try this, but please gather up your courage and ask for girls' numbers or something. You only get to be young once, go enjoy life, and no regrets!
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