A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm 23 and still a virgin. It's not that I wanted to wait till marriage; I just wanted to wait for the right person and the right loving situation. I've been going out with this guy for over a month now, who was my friend for 3 years first, and he's much, much more sexually experienced than me. He already knows I'm a virgin because I told him back when we were just friends and initially he seemed ok with it when we started dating. He didn't want to pressure me and so I thought everything was ok...it was until I started showing him that maybe I wanted to have sex with him. I just thought it seemed right. He seemed like he cared a lot about me and I felt close to him, but then last night on the phone we were talking and he tells me that he doesn't want to sound like a prick or anything, but it's a lot of pressure and stress thinking about being the first one I sleep with and he doesn't know right now if he wants to be that person or not. This was after we were joking about sex and he made a joke about it being "work" and I said it should be somewhat romantic, not work. To be honest, the whole conversation crushed me a bit and I'm sure he could tell on the phone cause I got really quiet and sniffly toward the end of the call and then he clammed up and went to bed. I don't know what to say or do..I'm just so confused. I thought it didn't bother him, and I wanted him to be the one. He said he didn't know if he could live up to my expectations and I told him that all I expected was being with someone who cared about me, which I was sure he already did...so what is the big damn deal? I feel so confused and lost about what to do right now. it just seems like my sweet, caring boyfriend who I thought I had a future with suddenly turned into this uncaring guy who doesn't want anything to do with some girl's virginity. I mean, what is so bad for him? At least I'm not trying to make him wait..it seems like that would be way worse, but now I'm wondering if it really is cause me wanting to give him sex seems to freak him out worse. It was just really hurtful to me and I don't know how to proceed or what to tell him. I don't think he wants to break up, at least I hope not, but I know I'm eventually going to have to talk to him and I feel like this issue isn't just going to go away. He's the one that needs to get over it, not me. I don't think it's having too high of standards to want to know someone who's about to have sex with you definitely cares about you and wants the experience to be good for me and far be it a little romantic for the first time. Please help me...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Be thankful he's not pressuring you.
You love him thats obvious, but does he know that?
He understands the responsibility of taking that one thing from you, that's a good thing, but you need him to see your point of view, and you need to try and see his, stay open minded. It may take a few conversations to understand everything, but listen to him about it.
You said you've been friends for three years before you got together. Maybe there is some bad sexual experiences he hasn't told you, or doesn't want. Be gentel with him, if he doesn't want to at the moment, don't pressure him, he now knows you want to, be patient and things will go they way they are ment to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): The fact he is more concerned about the pressure of taking your viriginty, than the experience and love involved in making love to you for your first time, tells me that his veiw on sex and your veiw on sex are much different from one another's. It also says that he's not seriously into you, as you seem to be into him and that prehaps this isn't the situation you've always dreamed of to lose your virginity in.
I'm glad you've decided to wait; it was a nice decision to make, but I think you should continue to do so. Just beucase you have known this guy for three years, doens't make him the right person to lose it to.
I'm sorry.
Goodluck.
~SY.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): I think you are blaming yourself and beating yourself up about this a lot more than you should be.
He's hesitating because he sees your virginity as something VALUABLE than carries emotional weight, not because it's unattractive. He doesn't wanna deal with it because he's concerned about his own worthiness and about doing the wrong thing with you.
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A
female
reader, laur2000  +, writes (15 June 2009):
Your right to want it to be a good experience and to want a bit of romance. I think he does care but the idea of being sombody's first can seem a bit scary. Its because everybody remembers their first time and its obviosly a big deal to you. Everybody has an idea of what they think it will be like and because of that has certain expectations. He's probabily afraid that he wont live up to yours and that if its not perfect you might be upset or resent him. He might feel better about it if you just remind him that you care about him, that want to be with him and that you want it to be a good experience for him and well as you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): It would crush me to because that means he's not real serious about you yet but then again, it's only been a month. He's doing the right thing though, being a decent guy, by not taking something away so special when he doesn't think he's going to stick around long. He doesn't want to hurt you and he doesn't picture you in his future at this point so he's not going to use you. You are putting way too much pressure on this guy you've only been going out with a month so I'd back off. If and when he falls in love with you and wants to make a real commitment, only then will he consider it but you can't make him or force him.
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A
female
reader, Smellyellie +, writes (15 June 2009):
 the thing is boys get funny over this sort of stuff and some boys get really nervous.. (take the first time I lost my virginity) he really struggled to get it up and blamed it on nerves...
If you really want to loose it to him then you should talk to him and make sure that he knows this is definatly what you want as that is what he is probably more unsure of as he probably thinks you will regret it and these are the things that you need to make him aware of.. Good luck and hopefully he will be the right guy for you! x
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