A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a healthy 21 year old female, and I have been with my boyfriend, whom I love dearly, for four years. He is so wonderful, caring and I trust him more than anyone in the world. He is also very patient - he's several years older than I am, and quite a bit more experienced in the relationship/sex area. We have a wonderful relationship, and I've never been happier.However, I am a virgin. As I said, he is very patient, and has never pressured or pushed me for sex, but I know it is difficult for him, because he himself is not a virgin, and I know he misses sex. He is very supportive of me, and to be honest, I don't know why he's still with me after all this time for this reason.I was sexually abused as a child, and had a string of emotionally abusive relationships before I met my boyfriend, and every time we get close to doing "the act", I panic and get overwhelmed and emotional. I cannot even use a tampon because of this fear, which is really ridiculous, I know, but it's a seemingly impossible fear to overcome.I have fears of sex, but I also have NO sex drive, no desire for it at all whatsoever. And I am attracted to my boyfriend, do not get me wrong (I've never had any desire for sex with any person, so it isn't him).As supportive and wonderful as he is, I know this puts strain on our relationship. And he does not pressure me, as I said, but I pressure myself because I know this is abnormal for someone my age.A friend suggested I go to see a gyno, which I will, once I overcome THAT fear. The thought of anyone touching me below the belt is something that makes me panic...I'm sure I need some sort of counselling, but I do not know how to go about it.Does anyone know if there might be a physical problem on top of my mental issues? BEcause I just do not get turned on at all...and shouldn't a 21 year old body get turned on?I feel so hopeless.P.S. Sorry this is so long.
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emotionally abusive, no desire, sex drive, tampon Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I am sorry to hear of your past. I stumbled on this looking for something else about sex drive. Could it be deep rooted fear that has disabled your sexual desire? I could only assume that this issue is a result from a very disturbing incident? (just for thought -don't want answer). I had a horrific past and found that therapy and hypno-therapy helped change my life in every aspect. For myself, anxiety and fear were major factors in sex, and once I got a handle on those factors, things came around.
I recommend therapy IF you can find a good therapist. Please be careful as there are bad therapists out there.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): You sound like a classic victim of sexual abuse. The only way to deal with it is through counseling. An internet site just ain't going to do it and any further negative experiences (such as being unable to be with the guy your love, the bad relationships) are only going to re-inforce your feelings.You say you can't even use a tampon and are afraid of anyone touching you there. Text-book example of child abuse. This is NOT ridiculous, it is the normal reaction to the abuse and a LOT of people who have been abused go through this and they can only come out of it with lots of love, patience and the aid of professionals.A gynocologists is NOT the doctor you should see first. Seek aid for the child abuse, you almost certainly can't deal with it on your own. Nor should you want to. The most basic part as far as I know about dealing with abuse is first to see for yourselve that it wasn't just you. Being in a group with others shows you that it wasn't your fault, that it can happen to anyone, that you are NOT alone.You are going to need a lot of love and help to get over this BUT remember what you feel is NORMAL for a person who suffered what you did. It is sadly all too common. Remember, being turned on is a state of mind and your mind associates sex with pain and misery. Pavlov trained a dog to drool by ringing a bell by feeding him at the same time. Imagine if Pavlov had kicked his dog everytime he rang the bell, what would the dog then learn to do when a bell sounds?Talk with your guy, tell him what happened in your past and seek proffesional help, you are NOT going to solve this on your own no matter how much you love him or he loves you.As for physical, part of the horror of child abuse is that physical harm might occur. This is something you might want to talk over with when you seek help. But being turned on is NOT a matter of the body, it is a matter of the mind. If you feel fear, you are not going to be turned on. As for finding help, any doctor, priest, social worker etc should be able to get you started, you are still young enough to be in school, they should have a counseler or something.Any adult you REALLY trust can also be a help as they can keep you going when you really just want to give up and not confront this. Your partner, no matter how much he loves you is not exactly the right person for this, because he is too close. Google simply for "canada child sex abuse help" for a near endless list of places to start, that in a way should tell you, you are not alone!The only thing I can say is that it is NOT your fault, your reaction to what happened are normal and you are going to need help to cope with it. It will take time, but it is not hopeless.Strength.
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