A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone I am 30 years old. I have been married to the love of my life for 6 years and we grew together since childhood. I love my wife; however, lately a close friend of ours for 6 years has been the emotional support for me. She practices a Poly lifestyle and I realize that I have wanting this lifestyle, denying myself this for so long. She and I have talked and she has given me the courage to confront my wife over the foundation of our marriage. Instead of having an affair with her friend I told my wife my feelings my desires to bring her into our marriage. It hurt because I have lied for six years. I made the decision for her six years ago when I lied and told her I wanted only her. I have been numb to my own desires. Now that I told my wife she knows I have not given her 100% committed. I told her I am willing to abandon and bury my needs for her, but she tells me she wants me to be happy and she can’t accept that I love her with a burden.What do I do? I want to do the right thing. I want to be happy. I do not want to lose my wife, her family. Is it right for me keeping my commitment to my wife and god that I will only love my wife even if it destroys my inner self? Must I carry this burden?Bluelogic
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2012):
 I wanted my current fiancé to be my second in a poly lifestyle. My husband and I were swingers and he was fine with that as long as HE was the one having sex with others but the MINUTE I wanted to add another man to the mix he decided he wanted a monogamous marriage. Interesting how that worked.
Swinging was not cutting it for me as I need an emotional attachment to someone I sleep with. So I started investigating Poly lifestyles. As Miamine has said it’s not just about sex… there are many levels of POLY lifestyle. I cared deeply for both hubby and my “friend” and would have easily found a way to make having both of them full time work…. They complement each other well. Then hubby could NOT cope with this and he left the marriage. I was ok with this as was my then second. He and I had been planning on finding him a primary so I could be his second and poof.. I’m his one and only and he’s my one and only.
IT takes very very strong mature committed people to make open marriages, swinging and poly lifestyles work In MANY cases it’s not about being truly poly or bringing others in to enrich your lives as a couple (which is what it SHOULD DO) but rather about one partner (usually the male to be honest) scratching an itch that is better off ignored.
I speak from 100% experience here I know of a few couples that are long term swingers that it works for their marriages (all couples in this case are married over 20 years and were swingers before the marriages) but in MOST cases it’s not a good idea. Swinging, open marriages and/or poly lifestyles (they are not the same thing at all) do NOT fix broken… they make it worse.
I strongly suggest you reconsider your decision to attempt a true poly lifestyle as they are difficult and there are often problems...
Think long and hard about why you want to scratch this itch.
would you want to be poly if sex was no involved? in my case the answer was yes... my wanting the other man as my second was NOT about sex at all. IN fact, my wanting my partner as my second was PURELY about intellect and brain connection... the sex was and still in very secondary in our relationship.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Sorry my earlier post was a bit unclear.
There is a bit difference between a "Poly lifestyle" and a "Open Marriage". In poly lifestyles, you are equally married to more than one woman, and that comes with a hell of a lot of headaches. Muslims can marry up to 3 women, all must be treated equally. You must have sex with all of them equally, even if you prefer woman number 2. You must show them love and affection equally, even if number 1 is getting fat and old. You can't just dump them when you want to, there is supposed to be a commitment as strong as any other type of marriage. Then the women can hate each other and fight. They can get jealous, they can fight over their kids, they can fight over you, they can fight about money, dishes, housework. All the problems of one wife, multiplied. And your duty is to calm all this down and make a happy home for everyone involved. That's why most Muslim's only have one wife. Because it's a type of "marriage form" everyone lives in the same house and shares finances, responsibilities, vacations, the whole marriage bit.
Open marriage is different. This is where you can't be faithful, so you go out and sleep with any woman who will accept you. Wear a condom, cause otherwise you will come home and infect your partner. Your "wife" gets to go out and do the same thing, and you have to hope that she doesn't come home carrying AID's, so regular STD checks are a must. The big issue here apart from disease is jealousy. What happens when she wants to keep seeing a guy regularly and doesn't move on and get a new partner. What happens when she starts coming home late or comes home with expensive gifts. Same goes for you, what happens when you fall in love with one woman and you don't want to sleep with anyone else.
Now I'm talking theoretically, because your wife is monogamous and has no intention of sleeping with anyone else. Has your poly lifestyle friend told you about any of the problems or the difficulties. Is this woman giving you only the good side because she wants you for herself?
Before you go running off to a huge mistake, I suggest you research the lifestyle very, very carefully. You might be thinking to be the 3rd husband to some woman. But what happens when she's on her period and can't have sex, and the week is booked by the other guys who are first in line. Do you get to live all together, or do you stay on your own waiting on your polywife to call? What happens if the other guys hate you and work together to get rid of you. Or wasn't you planning having anything to do with them. Was you thinking of giving up your full time wife for a part time screw?
Do your research. Right now it just sounds like this poly woman is trying to convince you to have an affair and will drop you when she's tired because she has so many other men.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2012):
Can't you have a compromise. You love your wife but your attracted to communal living. Can't you fill your house with more adults and experience some of the lifestyle without the sharing of bedrooms?
Or is the attraction you want to sleep with a whole pile of people and aren't really interested with organising who is going to do the dishes?
A Poly lifestyle or an Open Marriage, and will you allow your wife to go out and get herself some extra husbands, and you wait on the list for your time to be able to kiss her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife and I sat down and listed what we expected from each other, something we should of done six years ago. We reviewed the list and noticed that almost all was related to miscommunication that her friend was providing an outlet for. Simple things like holding hands that we didn't even knew matter to each other. We agreed to renew our vows and make each other happier.
My wife's friend recently has gone through hard times and my wife and I have been her financial and emotion support that she felt she was indebted to me. She was the one that sat down with us and told us she wanted to be my second. I realized the poly thing was my justification to wanting temptation.
Bluelogic
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): "Is it right for me keeping my commitment to my wife and god that I will only love my wife even if it destroys my inner self?"
To answer your REAL question: there's no excuse to have an extra-marital affair, ever, no matter how many qualifiers and disclaimers you can come up with to justify your intentions and/or actions.
Do the right thing and file for divorce. Stop thinking you're being noble by making everyone around you even more miserable than you are. Let your wife know the kind of person she REALLY married, in the long run she'll be ecstatic to be rid of you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 Your friend might practice a poly life style, you might want to practice a poly lifestyle, but your wife may prefer to practice a monogamous lifestyle, in which case you would be breaking the contract you made with her before God and she could, with every right in the world, take you to the cleaners.
Is your friend who practices a poly life style prepared to be there for you and support you, financially, mentally and emotionally when your legal wife kicks your sorry arse to the curb?
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A
female
reader, itcantjustbeme +, writes (4 March 2012):
 Isn't it possible to love everyone you love without sex? Or is it that you just want the sex, not the emotion? If I were your wife I'd be a bit concerned on how I had failed my husband so. You did make a commitment to your wife, and you're speaking of this friend and this sudden realization and yet it wasn't too long ago was this? You just recently decided? I think you may be going through some sort of faze. I mean, IDK I've never been married, but I know during my relationship I've gone through fazes where we 'needed' to do this or that to make both/one of us happy.
I think maybe you should sit on that thought for a bit before you make any rash choices.
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