A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was put in an awkward position.I have a friend whom I've known for almost 10 years. About 4 years ago she got with this guy who to be honest I'm not that keen on. She has a child with him.He's very lazy - he doesn't work and doesn't help her with the kid or with the housework. She works part time and basically does everything herself.A few months ago I was in town, doing some shopping when I bumped in to him. He said he was trying to find her something for her birthday but as money was tight he didn't know what to get. He then started hinting that she saw this bracelet which she loved but he couldn't afford it. Ironically we were a few feet from the jewellers so he took me to see it and kept saying things like "she will be gutted if nobody gets her it" It was a nice bracelet but cost £65 which I can't justify unless it was a special birthday, which it wasn't. I told him that it was a bit expensive so maybe he could save up and give it to her for Christmas instead- to which he mumbled he could do. I then made my excuses and left.When I went to her party, I gave her my gift- her favourite perfume set with a bottle of wine. She seemed pleased with it but he looked really annoyed when he saw it. Shortly after he came up to me asking what happened to the bracelet as she was expecting it!!! I asked him why would she be expecting it as I never said I'd get it for her! He then admitted that he told her about when we met in town and he assumed I would get it for her.I then found my friend and explained exactly what happened and apologised and she was fine with it. Then when her sister arrived - she came much later, asked to see the bracelet which made it even more awkward as it appeared he told everyone that I was getting her it!!I'm really angry at him for assuming and for making me look like a cheapskate in front of everyone!! I don't earn a huge amount of money and I have a mortgage and bills to pay- unlike him, I don't get hand outs!! I don't want to socialise with him anymore after this but don't want to fall out with my mate about it or make it obvious.In the past when I've suggested just me and her or her and kids meet up he always tags along too!! What shall I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 What a creep.
So he tries to DICTATE what you should buy HIS wife and then run around and tell everyone what you got? Seriously? That is deranged!
I would avoid this man as much as you can, if you go visit her, go out WITH her alone. He can do his own thing. If you do run into him, make an excuse and get away. If he does tag along, pretend he isn't there.
Last but not least, DO not apologize for this. EVER again. HE should apologize for ASSUMING he had ANY say in what YOU should buy HER.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 April 2014):
That is insane! If I was in your situation I'd be blunt. Tell her that what he did made you so uncomfortable that you really don't want to see him again but you'd love it if just the two of you could hang out.
Otherwise he's just going to tag along again. He may still tag along anyways since he sucks, but at least you have a shot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): I agree with everyone, thi sisn't about the bracelet, it's about this guy trying to control her and wanting to slowly but surely isolate her so that he is the center of her world. It's not dangerous now, and he may be "right" about a lot of things, but it does NOT make it right how he is treating her. I had an ex once who refused to be dumped because he was "helping" me "feel better about myself" He also wanted to help me stop using drugs and start going to church ... he was sending me flowers and showing up to "surprise" me at work with rides home, walking me to and from class ... he made a career of making sure I didn't ahve a second of time without him unless I was doing something he felt was OK. He even sent friends and church members to "drop by" When I tried to dump him, he threatened to do everything he could to get me in trouble with the law and to call CSB on me because I had children and was living the "lifestyle" I was. He told me that the cops would find out I was doing these things and that they wouldn't take me seriously when I tried to get a TPO and that I couldn't report evangelists/church members for coming over to talk about Jesus. It worked - I stayed with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): I learned long ago not to try to come between a woman and her no-good husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend. Although I may be a loyal friend, I know that people often are estranged from their own parents, friends, and families behind partners they feel they love.
I answer posts as often as I can, encouraging people to realize the situations they are in; and what they are exchanging their love for. They declare their misery; but have no intention of leaving the source of it.
That man has learned how to make her feel he is the guy at the control-panel. She came to him with weakness and insecurities. I always advise women not to seek a partner looking for someone to "complete them." That implies you lack something; and that often is strength to take care of themselves and/or a sense of independence. Knowing their own power, and being able to make rational decisions on their own.
They look to men to have the strength and power to make them feel safe. This is not wise on any level. He will not only assume the power, he will take complete control. That is what happened to your friend. They often end up with narcissistic men, who use/abuse; and psychologically suck the life out of them.
I do not suggest that you attempt to battle him in any way. He has already poisoned her mind against her family, and anyone he perceives could come between them.
The bracelet situation was to put you on the spot. To show how your friendship could be measured. She is deprived. He built up her hopes, and he has let everyone in on the scheme to add drama to the plot. You show up, and there was no bracelet. You have no doubt tried to advise her. He is fully aware of your interference. She changes her behavior once she has been around you.
Now she feels he was right. You're not as much of a friend as she has believed. She knows this isn't true deep in her mind; but she has craved for the lovelier things for a long time, and her heart was set on it.
He made everyone think that he made a suggestion to you "as her "so-called best-friend." You know they are struggling! A good friend would have come through for you, knowing how short we are. Some friend! That would be the consensus of the group at the party. He knows how to set psychological traps. Set you up, and pull you in. He's a monster.
You should not attempt to confront him, even speak of him to her. If she wants to talk, stay in the neutral-zone.
He is on a mission to break her free, and the closer he knows you are; the higher he turns up the heat.
By giving indirect advice; I use other people as examples when I'm actually referring to a friend's situation. This plants a seed. I make sure there are similarities; so they can relate. Dance around the edge, when you give an opinion. She discusses your conversations with him, he makes sure you're not advising her against him.
Narcissistic men are like that. It's just the two of them against the world. He can't work or do anything; because he is a broken-man and he needs her to save him. So she is convinced he protects her, so no one harms her. Now he is driving a wedge between you.
I've continued to maintain my friendships with my foolish lady-friends in similar situations. I've stayed on the peripheral to be there to catch them when they fall. I do not interfere in their personal domestic situations.
I am a shoulder to cry on, a ear to vent to, and I will knock him into another dimension should any man ever get the fool-notion to lay a hand on any woman I care about. Be it a friend, or a sister, aunt or whomever. I always check for bruises and marks. I make them explain them.
I will intervene when violence becomes the issue. I will show up with the police at the door. She may not press charges, but the neighbors will take notice; and they all will be on the spot. In your friend's case, it is a matter of psychological-control. He does all the thinking.
Thus, he has succeeded in alienating anyone who may have too much influence on her thinking, thereby breaking down her support-system that could bring her to her senses regarding her situation with him. A no-count man-child, who lives on women to support his slacker-ass. She's miserable, but her mind is too poisoned to see the source of her pain. The only thing that will make her leave him, is if he cheats on her. That's usually what it takes. Nothing short of that will phase her.
Never appear to be a threat. Always show you are dependable, loving, supportive, and compassionate. Stay away from him. Be cordial and but assertive. Show no fear.
Let your loyalty be known by always being visible and accessible. Invitations cannot be extended to them as a couple. He will discourage her from attending, and punish you for it. Don't invite, he'll do the same. Best not to offer the invite. It makes her miss you all the more.
Meet her the way you always have. Here and there, now and then.
That's what I do. Eventually, women like your friend do rid themselves of these men. That is after he has worn them down and they just can't take it anymore. So people like you and me in their lives are essential. We do not interfere. We're there to put the pieces back together, and make sure they always have somebody to count on.
We do not attempt to tell grownups how to live their lives. That's none of our business.
Feel no guilt. You give her something worth hundreds of times more precious than that bracelet. You're her loving friend who stands by her through thick and thin.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 This man is a manipulator. You said so yourself, in other words. He is lazy, he gets others to do his work, he's a free-riding moocher. Of course he will now try to squeeze you for money and make you out to be the bad guy if you don't. That's what manipulators do! How do you think he gets his girlfriend, your friend, to do all this stuff for him? He emotionally blackmails her, no doubt, just like he's guilt tripping you.
The truth is that he is the one who should be feeling guilty, not you. You did nothing wrong. You did not tell him you would buy the bracelet, he forced that on you. You still did not accept to buying it, so he decided to punish you if you didn't. And how to best punish you? By punishing your friend. He started feeding her high hopes, he started feeding everyone else high hopes, when he knew perfectly well that there was no reason for you to buy that bracelet, and you most probably would NOT show up with it. Because unlike your friend, you are not that easily bullied. He hasn't had the time to "work you" properly yet, so you will still resist his manipulation. And he dislikes that, so he makes his girlfriend pay for it.
So, when you see what harm HE inflicts on your friend, he makes it out to be YOUR responsibility that HE does not inflict such pain again. This is a very dangerous man.
Why did you apologize? Did he get to you?
If I were you I would probably not have reacted differently myself, because I need a little bit of time to get the full picture before I decide on my reaction. In situation like this you have several things to keep in mind. You want to preserve the friendship, and at the same time you want this man out of your life. Because he is effectively part of your life now too. You can't have both, this is a lose-lose situation. That is what happens with manipulators. No one wins, except the manipulator.
The best way to fight a manipulator however, is to cut them out and completely ignore them. Be VERY strict about this. If you have to reply back, keep it short. Do not answer questions, avoid giving out information. This will bother them the most of all, and make them very angry. But this is precisely what you need to do, if you wish to fight this man. Dare him to get angry with you, but do not be alone with him. Always be in the company of someone else.
The dangerous part is that he will probably take it out on your friend. Just like it was she who was left feeling dumb and silly, when her boyfriend had assured her of something that was not true at all. She trusted him, he lied. She was the one to be made looking like a fool (more so than you). She will get the screaming and yelling, most probably, if you agitate him.
And, if you decide to fight him, he will most probably make it so that your friend stops the contact she has with you. Again, he hurts her to get to you.
But for goodness sake, it is NOT your job to protect a grown woman! You can't! She must protect herself! I can't say this clearly enough. If you go along with the things he does, just in order to keep the friendship with your friend, then things will steadily become worse, until he gets his way and you start paying for their expenses and more. Then you too will be caught in his web.
If your friend is so tangled in this web that she is willing to break off the friendship she has with you, just because this man tells her so, then you must know that she is NOT a friend of yours. You can be a friend to her, if she ever contacts you again, but you can not be her friend unless she also sees the value in it, and is prepared to fight for the friendship just the same way you are prepared to fight for it.
A blow out with her boyfriend might just be what she needs to see him for who he truly is.
So cut him out. When you and her meet, specifically ask that he does not come along. Excuse it with wanting some girltime, or that since the incident with the birthday gift you no longer feel comfortable around him.
He will most likely come along anyway, which is actually what you want this time around. You want him to know he is unwelcome. Then he still comes along, and my guess is he will try to be charming and a great guy... Then just freeze him out. Don't have eye contact with him, be short in answers etc.
This will get to him, I promise. Nothing gets to a manipulator as much as being frozen out. They can't stand it, because they seek attention, they crave attention. They always want everything to be about them, and then constantly dig for information to have some holding on people, to have the best cards on their hand. So cutting out the information, cutting out the attention, and making them to feel as the least important person in the room.. that is what hits them hardest.
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