A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have quite a dilemma on my hands. I am 24 and in grad school. I have become very close to a guy, "John," in my same year in the program -- he is essentially my best friend. Over the last 6 months especially we've become extremely close; we share so many interests and we seem so compatible. We can spend hours and hours together talking. John is a wonderful person: very sweet, caring, smart, and generous. I care for him very much, and I know he cares for me. I think I might even love him. I think about him a lot, we text all the time, and I find myself wanting to spend time with him when we're apart. However, I also find myself wishing deeply that he were better-looking so that I would be physically attracted to him. I'm not and never have been very attracted to him, and this pains me. I know he is attracted to me, but he is too scared to make a move because he's terrified of rejection.We spend a lot of time together, but nothing has happened physically. I feel very ambivalent about starting a romantic relationship with him, because I am scared that I won't feel attracted to him enough in the long run. Sometimes I wish I would meet someone else to whom I'm very attracted, but then I realize the wonderful friendship I have built with John, and I'm afraid to lose that, and I'm afraid of hurting him.We will both be in this program for at least 3 more years, so no matter what happens, he'll be around. I would appreciate any suggestions about what to do in this situation! Thank you!
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 October 2011):
I understand your dilemma but this seems like a good chance to have something good that may even last forever. The thing about what I just said is that the future is uncertain and the two of you hold the key to it in your hands. Yes, maybe you will find him physically attractive, but maybe you will. Not many girls find someone to connect to on this level so i think it may be worth trying. Don't live with regrets.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2011): When I married my husband he was a very classically "beautiful" man - dark hair, tall, slim and elegant. We divorced after five years because he was basically a b****** and I was totally naive. I was 18 when we married, he 28 and he forced me to live in celibacy, so I felt totally unattractive! I did not see him for about 10 years. Our daughter did not see him in this time either (he abandoned us) but recently met up with him. She sent me a photo. He was totally - I mean totally - unrecognisable. Fat, thinning hair, face totally changed and - no exaggerating - just quite cruel looking and completely altered due to age and putting on so much weight. I was so shocked because I look pretty much the same, just a bit older and I feel far more confident now in my own looks. Conversely, I was in a very long term relationship with someone, after I married, who I was just not attracted to physically. Really, he almost repulsed me because I was so used to being with this "beautiful" man that this other younger man just felt strange in terms of what he looked like. However, I adored him and his personality and we fell in love. I was totally stunned at how amazing our sex life was-honestly this was such a surprise and came out of loving one another - and from there on I gradually began to see him as beautiful just to me. Curiously, over time, this very plain and boyish looking guy gradually matured and became really quite handsome - part of this I have to say was me gently advising about haircuts and clothing, but also his face became one of those 'interesting' faces, as if someone has and is leading a very interesting life - he has. We parted for other reasons, and now I know that he is considered quite a "catch".Your guy friend could go either way. But I honestly believe that the life that someone leads and their personality eventually shines through and shows, making the person more attractive, whatever they start out with.
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