A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:so me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and two months and I absolutely love him to bits!! But he's overly sensitive. I feel like I've become his councillor. He is so emotionally unstable and I've tried so hard to convince him to see a professional but he just says no way. Every time we have a minor argument he cried or punches a wall or disappears for hours on end and he gets really really lonely if we can't talk for a few hours. I don't have a clue what to do. I love him beyond words and he is so supportive and absolutely spoils me!! But I'm feeling really trapped, I can't break up with him I honestly don't think he could handle it and I don't really want to break up but I don't know what to do!! I can't go on being his nanny can I?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the replies! They've all been quite an eye opener
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015):
If you live with him, then you need to wait until he's out the house and pack your things and then explain to him you need to move out and have space as he emotional crippling you . Also have a third party when this takes place your dad or brother etc . If you don't live with him then call him etc . As certainly this cannot continue as a rmn ( mental health nurse ) you need to also think about you . You have done your part by encourage him to get self help . Maybe you stepping back will be the catylist to helping him
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 March 2015):
 Forgive me for pretending to read your mind, but this is how I view your post:
You say you love him to bits but you don't. Not really. You think you do. You think you SHOULD. You give EXCUSES for why you can't break up with him. You WANT out but you don't want to admit it. No one likes to think they are a failure in a relationship or that they can't cope with a partner that is more needy than they want to deal with.
What he is doing to you is not reasonable for a partner. He is acting like a child and expecting you to parent.
You are using his neediness and instability as an excuse for why you can't leave.
I know that you care deeply for him. I am not saying you don't. and I am betting when you do break up with him (and you will in time) that you will CRY as much as he does. (and he will)
BUT you are NOT responsible for him in any way shape or form and if he say "I can't handle it if you leave I will hurt myself" or something like that you say "I am going to have to notify the authorities that you have threatened self harm and they will deal with you for your own protection"
People that threaten suicide or harm to themselves as a way to keep a person with them are not going to harm themselves they are being manipulative.
People who really are going to harm themselves do not tell people. they just do it.
Stop letting him manipulate you.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (18 March 2015):
 You are not responsible for him. You're not his mother.
He has serious issues that he needs to address, but he won't do that if his relationship with you continues.
You are not trapped. You have a choice. You need to choose to end this relationship, for your well-being and his. It may be the wake-up call he needs to sort himself out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): Apologies, I meant to say "whom he must feel bonded to" not " to whom I must".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): He is emotionally unstable because he has not yet learned how to function in the world as an independent being. Thus, he is very dependent on you. You are effectively replacing his mother, whom I must, at all costs, feel bonded to. The fact that you feel trapped is a healthy sign. It's good that at least one of you is getting intuitive indications that the situation is not healthy.However, please try to understand that, as much as this will feel like love, it's an unhealthy form of it. I'm not saying you two don't love one another, but you are both becoming addicted to one another. He needs you like an addict needs their fix - he can barely go for a few hours without you. And you, in turn, are becoming addicted to the rhythm that he generates for your life - the ups and down, intensities and instabilities. It's very similar to, for example, a situation where someone is partner to an alcoholic or drug addict; you may not be the one addicted to these substances, but because the addict sets the tone for how things are to be, you become increasingly addicted to them and to the lifestyle they generate. You, without realising it, are becoming addicted to his extreme neediness, and you are mistaking his 'adoring' behaviour for a healthy form of love (and getting "off" on that), when in fact it's a form of love born of his extreme need to keep you bonded to him, like a child clinging to its mother.I'd suggest reading up, for your own sanity, on issues like why we become addicted to a person or breaking your addiction to a person or co-dependency. There is lots of information on the internet about this. There are also some good books available cheaply from sites like Amazon - co-dependency for Dummies or How To Break Your Addiction to A Person. Try to get your partner to read these books. Do NOT fall into the trap of 'educating' him yourself - this will only bond him to you even more in this unhealthy way. What I am suggesting is enlighten yourself in order to see the bigger picture here. If a man is not willing to even try to go to see a counsellor, then he is far too frightened of the world to even consider being in a relationship with. He is a child and you are playing Mum. If he refuses to grow up, then it will have to be extreme 'tough love" on your part and you have to tell him unless he sees a counsellor you are leaving him.The situation will not get better by itself, only worse. As he gets older and stays in this kind of situation, he will become increasingly resentful and angry - this is what dependent people do because sooner or later they start to despise the thing that they 'loved' because they basically feel trapped and this is because they haven't grown up properly and in a healthy way so that they are out in the world and dealing with it. For goodness sake do not marry or have children with a man in this state. It is terribly dangerous to bring children into a situation like this, they will grow up learning to be the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015):
If you live with him, then you need to wait until he's out the house and pack your things and then explain to him you need to move out and have space as he emotional crippling you . Also have a third party when this takes place your dad or brother etc . If you don't live with him then call him etc . As certainly this cannot continue as a rmn ( mental health nurse ) you need to also think about you . You have done your part by encourage him to get self help . Maybe you stepping back will be the catylist to helping him
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 March 2015):
 You are NOT his therapist. You are under no obligation to stay with him, and if he is emotionally blackmailing you to stay with him either by outright saying he'll harm or kill himself or by implying it, you need to leave.
He is responsible for his own mental health. If he won't get professional health, you need to leave. Punching a wall?? You do realize that this sort of thing can escalate to punching YOU or breaking objects, right? That's abuse.
Whether he handles a breakup or not is not your concern. You need to think about your future. Is he fit to be a life partner?? A husband or father?? You do realize that by refusing to be his enabler or codependent, you may be doing the best thing for him, right?? By staying with him and "nanny-ing" him, you're shielding him from the need to get professional help. By staying with him, you are keeping him from getting mentally healthy, because he's using you as a crutch, and he's manipulated your emotions by spoiling you when you do what he wants and going silent or violent when you don't, and holding his own self-harm over your head to keep you with him.
If you break up and he threatens self-harm, call his bluff. Tell him you are leaving, and if he was serious about hurting himself, you would call his parents/brothers/sisters/friends AND the hospital to take him into psychiatric evaluation.
Then DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES tell him you'll still be friends. When you break up, you do it all the way and break it off totally with him. If you want, tell him that if you're still available in the future and if he's under comprehensive and complete doctor's care, then you might talk with him, but not the way he is now.
When a person with mental issues like your boyfriend tries to make you his "everything" like a nanny, caregiver, therapist, and pacifier at the same time, he's draining you emotionally, like a toxic vampire. No relationship can withstand that dynamic, even one where the codependent gets off emotionally on that sort of thing, because eventually they both implode under the weight of it.
You're going to lose yourself if you don't get out of there and fast.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 March 2015):
 When you write, "....But I'm feeling really trapped, I can't break up with him I honestly don't think he could handle it ..." remember that you are NOT his Mother... nor are you his therapist or counsellor.
YOU can be "trapped" ONLY if you allow yourself to be. AND, B/F has to grow up, some day. None (no day) is better than today. Do yourself a favor and get away from him, so that YOU don't have to live with HIS shortcomings and angst...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): You are not a psychologist or a nanny and it is unfair for him to expect you to play those roles. Sometimes, it is important to put your feelings and happiness first in order to be the best person you can be.
I suggest ending things and finding an amazing person who, not only treats you right, but who is confident and emotionally mature/stable. You should not feel like you are being held hostage in a relationship. Good luck!
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