A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am I having an affair?I am a married women, I have been with my husband for the past 15 years. We are best friends, we do everything together and enjoy each other's company very much. I met a men 3 years ago, we don't work together but do a lot of business with each other. We became friends as well and talk weekly on the phone. We discuss business but not only business sometimes. We also socialize together. He is a married men but I don't think his relationship are that great. I think he has a crush on me and I don't really know how to differentiate crush from friendship. He does everything to please me. He buys expensive gifts for my b-days, invites me and my husband out to really expensive restaurants and etc. I really like him and very attached to him but just as a friend. There is nothing sexual between us but there is a deep understanding of each other. We don't even have to talk to express ourselves, we understand each other and care deeply for each other. I am trying to understand myself and wonder if I need to draw the line? Should I stop talking to him? SHould I distance myself from him? Am I hurting him by being so close to him? Any thoughts or ideas...
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male
reader, Flash33  +, writes (26 April 2012):
I think that if the shoe was on the other foot there could and would be some feelings that are not received well by you. I only suggest keeping things professional. Co-workers can and do establish friendships or bonds at work, but when you are in a relationship one must be careful to not cross the lines physically and emotionally.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): It's not an affair. But as you feel a little concerned about what your friendship is, that's the problem. If he knows you are happily married and is just enjoying a strong friendship which both your partners are aware of, then I'm sure it is ok to proceed as you are. You just have to be aware not to overstep that line that tips into more closeness, so avoid situations where that might happen. It would be a shame to spoil something that might just be a lovely thing.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I'm going to put my foot in it, mostly to confirm what YouWish has said so well.
You are not having a physical affair, you are having an emotional affair, which can be just as damaging. You show all the signs of a growing emotional attachment to the other man. It is telling to note that you worry if you are hurting him. See youwish's questions 4,5,&6. He may be trying to keep his distance but the amount of money he is spending on you seems to me to go beyond "business". I infer form your comments that you have not yet begun to fantasize about him. Please avoid that temptation. Be open and honest with your husband about your feelings and fears. You will need to work together to get past this. Yes cool things down with the other man. Become less intimate in your conversations. Stick to business. Be physically affectionate to your husband in his presence.
Make sure your heart belongs only to one man. And, make sure both men know who that one man is. You have not yet become so fogged that you can't see the danger of the affair. You are "at risk" take steps now to protect your self your family first. The other man and business are a second priority.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): You are in an emotional affair with this man.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 April 2012):
 You're not yet having an affair, but you are right to feel warning signals. If there is any confusion about whether or not your relationship and actions are remaining appropriate, let me ask a few questions:
1. Does your husband AND his wife know that he is buying you expensive gifts? Are any of these gifts things like jewelry?
2. Are you having any conversations with this guy which you wouldn't want your husband to know about, and is he talking about things that he wouldn't want his wife to know about?
3. In your friendship to this guy, is there anything going on that would bother you if your husband were having the same kind of interactions or receiving lavish gifts from another woman?
4. Do you go out of your way to find time for this guy? Do you look forward to seeing him in a special way, and going out of your way to see him when you don't really have a need to?
5. Have you started comparing him to your husband? Meaning, are you thinking things like "He is so much more understanding than my husband" or "I wish my husband did (fill in the blank) like this guy".
6. Are you finding yourself pulling away emotionally from your husband and pulling closer to this guy?
Personally, I think you are *at risk*, because while you may not think you're attracted to him and that it's just a friendship, you're really enjoying his "crushing" on you and his attention and his gifts. That is an intoxicating ego boost, and I think you feeling like you might need to pull back is a good and healthy feeling.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I wouldn't say that's an affair if you're not sexually attracted to him and you're not intending to take it past a friendship.
There's a possibility that he might have a crush on you and feel that you're leading him on, but you're just trying to be friendly by the sound of things, if he's developed feelings for you then that's not your fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): you don't know how to differentiate crush from friendship, the way I see it's pretty simple: I fancy the people I have crushes on, while that I only enjoy my friend's company and like them a lot, I don't want to have anything sexual with them. You're not having an affair as your relationship with him is platonic, I don't think you should stop seeing him unless you feel tempted to have sex with him, and act on the thought, in which case it would be a lot of trouble since you're both married, then in this case I'd advise you to draw the line and keep your relationship strictly businesslike,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): If you only have platonic (friendship) feelings for this man, it's not an affair.
The fact that he invites both you and your husband out with him makes me think you may be reading too much into this. A man whose intent is to pursue a woman would not want her partner to be present while he does so.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (25 April 2012):
 This guy seems to be in control of his emotions -you don't. You're the one that's attracted to him. Are you sure you are happy in your own relationship? He asls you and your husband out not just you that means he knows the boundaries but since you're hear asking let me assume you're getting some vibes from him. He hasn't said or done anything but you're feeling too comfortable with him. Pull back a bit. You do business together so you have to be in contact. Get more things to occupy yourself and keep your discussions and meetings limited to working hours. The way I see it, you're still in control of the situation and YES if not checked it will progress to the next level.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): I think he does like you. But that's just me. The best idea would be to ask him if he has more than just a friends feeling for you. If he says yes, well tell him that you're a happily married woman and that you feel being friends is jsut as good.
But it could simply be jsut you guys beign best friends. I mean, I'm like that with my best friend and he understands me without me having to say anything
But no, you are not having an affair. Just because a guy buys you something expensive and you talk about things other than work does not mean its an affair. Could be friendship :)
Good Luck ^^
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