A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive written a few times on here but im starting to feel low. I am dating a guy and at the start we were both looking for a relationship he would do and say things that made me think he wanted more than where we were at. He has said he doesnt feel the same way as i feel about him he was honest but its really hurt, We are open enough to be able to talk about our feelings like this. He said one day he might like me the same but not right now. He suggested i join a dating site to find someone better than him but it doesnt work like that. I cant just stop my feelings for him. I dont want to lose him from my life but ill be broken if he found someone else to have a relationship with. I can honestly say ive never felt this way about someone before. I did say because he knew how strong my feelings are for him it would make things awkward but he said it hasnt. The more we spend time together the more im getting hurt knowing its all one sided. i know i cant force him to like me and i did tell him not to word things certain ways as its getting my hopes up but then he says he doesnt know what the future is going to bring. Hes said once his car is fixed hes going to come over to see me more its things like this that are mixing my head about , do i leave him alone and not bother ? do i hold on to a little bit of hope i have a chance ? do i just have a proper full clear conversation with him asking him how he feels and what he hopes for this year out of life and whats included ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2019): Thank you for your update.
The heart wants what it wants, so I wish you the best going forward with this relationship. I did want to add though... that at our age... men and women tend to be more willing to find a life partner, and the ones who really want to be with you will let you know. It won’t be a mystery. I believe him, that it’s just that he’s not in a good place right now, but please keep that in mind. The timing might be off for him, and as a result the relationship may never get to a place you want it to be. Don’t waste too much time, my dear. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019): Im the op. thought id update everyone and thank you for taking the time to give advice. we had a massive talk that went on for a few hours i said i wasnt getting messed about and if we couldnt talk about it then itd be best to part ways , hes admitted hes scared to commit. he does like me enough for a relationship and to see where things go. He didnt want to tell me about his past including his last relationship that ended really badly, but finally did and this was why he told me he didnt feel the same and to join a dating site because he thought i was too good and deserved someone a lot better than him. Another reason why he held back from sex is because he had a major operation and hes badly scared from it all over his torso and hes very embarrassed by it since it only happened a couple of month ago. Because he didnt know me that well he thought it was best to push me away because he didnt want to be hurt. we have decided to take things very slow and see where we end up
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019): Wow I just had to comment on 02duszj’s post, yes we have all been there!! For me it took me FIVE years after the break up to realize this guy was a dick to me the whole time we were together, and I had still been thinking about him! It really IS a eureka moment.
I think you just have to trust for now and believe in yourself that you deserve better and just cut him out of your life, and I hope you have your eureka moment soon.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): Even more so that he isn't interested, come on part of being in a relationship is fancying the person and sex is also part of that.
You are too young YES TOO YOUNG to be wasting your time with this man, he is not interested in a relationship with you, i am sorry but he has made that clear in every way.
It still stands move on and find someone who wants to be with you as you do them and YES that is possible, i found mine after being on my own several years, you are wasting your time with this man!!
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female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (4 January 2019):
 I did partly wonder why he would keep stringing you along "i'll visit you soon" etc. when he's told you he's not interested (other than the ego boost like someone said)
THEN you update with you haven't had sex?? Well that's the last piece of the puzzle. He KNOWS how you feel and believe us, he understands this is incredibly hard on you! Yet he STILL keeps you dangling like a rabbit after a carrot! When the DECENT thing would be to distance himself as much as possible.
Why is he giving you just enough hope to keep you around? A. the ego boost. B. 99% likely in case he needs a shag sometime. Men treat sex differently to women, they have more ability to do it WITHOUT emotional attachment.
I have also been in your situation, like every other person on the planet- no matter WHO you are, there will always be someone who rejects you at some point in your life. I was 21 and now I'm 27, honestly to date I have never been so hung up over a guy like I was then. He made it clear he didn't want to date me, I kept messaging him, it wasn't anything excessive but he behaved like a dick, was rude, nasty and told my friends to tell me to leave him alone, he was messaging my friend behind my back when we were dating..
I don't know why it hurt so much, enough for me to take an overdose over it! But one day it just came over me, it was a pure eureka moment. It was like a slap round the face from a bad dream- I realised this guy did not APPRECIATE ME and was a dickhead. And just like that I felt better, strong and like a spell had been broken.
That day of pure empowering realisation WILL come for you. You can make it come sooner by showing STRENGTH and making the effort to love yourself! He is not treating you well and you are WORTH more than this.
If a guy doesn't appreciate you for any reason, you can do so so much better. This guy really isn't all that. The sooner you start focusing on appreciating yourself the sooner you'll see him for what he is- just a guy. Who's a bit of a dick.
You can and WILL do better. I wish you well
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2019): I am the op. We havent had sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2019): If this man is having sex with you but has no desire in you as a person. What good is that?I think that's really bad behaviour and no wonder you are feeling hurt and low and confused. How cruel that he has sex with your body, lets himself inside you and then says that he doesn't Love you. It's subtle rape dear. There is nothing subtle about rape though. You must get out before he destroys your mind and your body even more more. Being marriage material is better than being someone's piece of meat.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 January 2019):
 I know you don't want to hear it, but you are WASTING your time loving/caring for someone who DOESN'T feel that way about you.
He has TOLD you that he doesn't. That maybe in time he could, perhaps... but what if he doesn't? Which IS more likely.
That little GRAIN of hope he tossed you way is what you are BUILDING on. The things is, people might grow fonder of someone but the REASONS he DOESN'T want to date you now would be valid 1-3-4-5 years from now too.
You are TRYING so desperate to fit this poor square peg into a round hole, because it's what YOU want.
I also think he being something of a dick. Telling you that he wants to spend more time with you (but not date you or care for you) and that MAYBE,PERHAPS, Could be... he might in time feel more for you... and then suggesting you go on dating sites... I feel he is stringing you along JUST in case he can't/won't find "better".
He knows FULL well that ANYTHING he says that gives YOU hope for a future with him, you will grasp and hold onto whilst ignoring the facts and the truth.
If you WANT a fulfilling relationship with someone who LOVES you back, HE isn't it.
Why put him first in your life? He certainly doesn't put YOU first....
PUT your own happiness, hopes and dreams first (for a change). CUT all contact and LET him go.
Take some time and focus on you.
You aren't DATING this guy, HE has been pretty obvious about that.
You NEED to accept that NOT every guy you meet and like, will like you back to the same degree. Which means YOU need to move on instead of wasting time "hoping" stuff will change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): It’s one thing if you aren’t sure about how he feels, but he has point blank told you that he doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do for him. So what are you waiting for? There’s no guesswork involved. You know he’s not the one for you. How do you know? Because he doesn’t want you. When you look for a guy to actually commit to, the first thing on your list of must haves is that he wants you, too.And him saying maybe in the future isn’t good enough. When people want to be with someone they know. Just like you know right now! So stop waiting around for him. If you can’t stand the idea of him being with someone else, then cut him out of your life so you don’t need to see it happen. Then spend time on a guy who is actually worth your time (loves you back).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): My feeling on what you write is that you want what you can't have. I am not saying that your feelings for him aren't real but he is out of reach, even telling you to go find someone better, sorry but is he sticking around so not to hurt you and you will do for the time being?
I think you deserve better, if he genuinely felt the same he would be saying the right things, he isn't, you are losing your self esteem clinging onto him..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): HelloYou've already asked him and he's already told you.The first sentence that you wrote in your post, tells me what I think you should do.You're feeling low. This situation is making you sad. So, the only logical to do if you want to be happy, is leave.He is not the be all and end all. And if you extract yourself from this torture, then you will start to see that. You are not gaining anything from this situation other than hope and uncertainty and sadness. He's getting a friend who he knows is into him, so he's also getting a nice big ego boost. He has no sadness in this situation, but I expect he knows how it's making you feel, but he doesn't care. He just keeps feeding you enough hope so that you hang on. Maybe he's being truthful when he says that he doesn't know how he's going to feel in the future, but it's not doing you any favours in the here and now. I would say to find the strength to stop doing this to yourself. Leave him and stop seeing him. And IF he has any feelings for you, these will probably come to the fore when he feels that he is losing you. He might carry on playing games with your feelings, but be strong and unless he wants a relationship, then you are unavailable. Then start to live and enjoy your life. Think about how happy you will feel, not having this nagging sadness all the time. You will get used to not having him around and feel the better for it. There are endless possibilities out there and you're wasting time chasing someone who doesn't feel the same way. If he doesn't feel it now, I don't know why he thinks he MIGHT feel it later. That makes no sense. Or not enough sense for you to wait around to find out. I have done myself what I am suggesting, so I'm not advising that you do something that I wouldn't or haven't done. Sometimes we have to cut things short for our own sanity. I left a man I had been with for five years, who I felt I loved and he didn't want me to go, but our relationship didn't make me happy. I left another man I had been with about 18 months, because although we had a great time together and he made a lot of effort to find the time to meet up four times a week even though he lived an hour away and had two jobs, I felt I couldn't trust him when we weren't together.I ended both for my own sanity and guess what? I'm still here and life goes on and I enjoy myself and am always excited about what's next. This man is not so great that you make yourself unhappy. Surprise him and be strong. Cut yourself loose. Go on holiday if you can afford it, or get a part time job to supplement your income and then go do exciting things. You will meet lots more people and quite possibly, someone who makes you forget about this man's existence. I bet you anything you like, as soon as you become unavailable, you become more attractive to him. But don't do it for that, do it because life IS short and unpredictable. We only have so much time here. So open up your world of possibilities. How exciting is that?Good luck x
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